Living with Ourselves

@outlander

ouch ..neck head and ear pain?..is this part of continuing tests?

I am assuming that you have had blood tests for your glands..

your gp should be able to advise you of a psychologist that you can go to..

the other option..have you been through carers Australia? They have psychologists they can give you contracts for...

otherwise you can google in your area...I am quite sure that you know all of this..

I have psychotherapist appointment tomorrow and pool for an hour...tomorrow..

sense and sensibility is days of carriages drawn by horses..estates...gentry...Was a film ages ago..my younger son used to laugh at me watching it as opposed to the terminator..genre..

I loved Jane Eyre..Beauty and the Beast..Downton Abbey ..all of those as well as dramas..

well bedtime..

night night..sleep tight..💜

Hi @Sophia1 I stress, because I'm not used to having visitors much anymore.

I'm getting better at preparing & hosting, getting more practice again.

A cup of tea, ginger wine, cheese, crackers, olives & hommus dips - she was very happy with that.

A common interest in plants (particularly flowers), & in managing cat behaviour problems - because we both seem to have cat issues.

I haven't had a holiday since that last one, when I spent most of it ill - then was ill when back at work.

So tired, sorry can't write anymore.

Thanks for asking.

Adge

Hello @Adge

Thanks for response...

pleased to hear that you enjoyed your shared evening....love olives...hommus...different cheeses...grapes...strawberries..yum..

I think that people who do not entertain very often and have high expectations of themselves are anxious that the evening will go well....without having the mind struggles added to the equation..

You did well...keep on enjoying having shared interests and something to talk about..

cats problems made me smile....We only have two cats now who are so different in character....they have gone from despising one another to tolerating...often blurred visions of a rush of fur in and out of rooms as they test one another...

respond when and if you feel well enough...I do understand...not feeling like writing when very tired...

rest up....rest adge....

take care

a big hug and a heart just to let you know that you are valued ...

I hope your appnt went well, & your swim at the pool @Sophia1

I'm actually a non-swimmer, can't swim strongly enough to save myself.

I still have to take clients in the pool to swim on a semi regular basis.

Yes you're right about pre-visitor anxiety, suddenly becoming aware of every cobweb (& dust)...

Not knowing what to prepare, because I virtually never get to share a meal with anyone (for years).

Tuesdays (fortnightly) MH lunch has been a good opportunity for me to sit at a table & have a meal with people - it's just a bun & salad, & most of them are not conversational (don't talk). It's still a social & shared meal opportunity.

My Disability job is socially demanding, especially for an introvert. Which partly explains how I have no energy left to pursue personal social opportunities in my own time.

I do pursue group activities, but find it very hard to keep it up (promptly run out of energy).

That said, my 2 yoga classes every week amounts to over 5 hours a week (with travel), & I've kept that up for 6 & 1/2 years.

You have cat issues too! Minx puss never accepted Jelly cat, but Jelly has been on her own now for most of a year.

How are your pain levels & healing? Still not able to sit for long?

Adge

hello @Adge

Great that you are still attending MH support group lunch....

Sometimes conversation not happening....just being with a regular group of people sharing a meal is supportive too...Certainly good that you maintain the connection..

yoga for all of that time you have done very well...

That has been one of the hardest things for me for years....pulling out of things...

My goodness Adge....You are a stayer! You seriously must start listening to all of us when we tell you that you have much to be proud of...

I can hear your response already...not listening to you talking your way out of the compliment...so please accept graciously...laugh

I love swimming...am nowhere near the stage in recovery for that though...I do exercises prepared by a physiotherapist....am worn out when I eventually get home...love it though...

the exercise bike is boring which I overcome by having music full blast...this could be an issue when we eventually move as we will have neighbours on one side....

Love the names you chose for your cats...Difficult time when they move on....

My cats are quite distinctive in appearance....character definitely unusual..names also...Reluctantly I can't share their names...They have to remain incognito..

I shall just refer to them as miss cat and mister cat...

pain levels definitely improved....managing them now without pain killers...

after exercising is harder...heat pack and sometimes 2 x paracetamol...

Should not be sitting for long...computer is infamous with me for sitting...am mindful how long I do though...

On that note must get up and move...

Take care....

Graciously accept compliments, Yes definitely @Sophia1Thanks.

Low self-esteem, & low self-value lead to feeling uncomfortable with acknowledging achievements etc.

Yes, pulling out of things. It's more often the case that I put off starting them (or don't start), in the first place.

I tend to stick with groups & people who don't let me speak, talk over the top of me, or ignore what I've said - long after I realise that I'm not being taken seriously, & not being listened to.

Then when I finally give up on it, it's become a really bad experience...

That's okay to call them Mr & Mrs Cat, I called several Budgies Mr & Mrs Budgie - too many birds to give them all names, & if I cannot tell who is who (as with finches)...

Yes, swimming is supposed to be very good exercise, it's great that you enjoy swimming. I understand that it would be exhausting.

I never overcame my nearly drowning 3 times, when about 10 (& being rescued each time), I think.

I can still remember the sunlight shining through the surface of the water, as I went down for the last time - thankfully someone swam out & grabbed me.

I had lots of swimming lessons, but don't have virtually any arm strength (to propel myself). I'm happy to walk along the beach, but don't want to go in the ocean.

Yes, exercise bikes are boring. I have one, which I haven't used in years (what a shame).

Heat pack, now there's a thought. I keep forgetting that they exist. My back pain has rebounded over the last few weeks.

Have a good rest & night, sounds like you've done a lot today. A lot more than me, I think.

Adge

Hello @eudemonism

Thinking of you knowing how hard life has become lately for you....

I don't want to intrude on your privacy...

so I will just leave a big hug and a heart....we all need to know that we are important to others...

I am letting you know...

@Sophia1

Ah. Life will go on... I'll deal with whatever life throws at me and move forward as best I can.

Eude

I am back here in what feels for me a safer place still..

I have been through a whirlwind these last number of years at a great cost to my physical health..

so many crises with family members....loss of life...so much more loss continuing..the latest my mum still refusing to see or talk to me in her stoic manner..despite a nurse suggesting that it might be time for her to bury the hatchet..

feeling it particularly more..Mother's Day passed and now in two days time her birthday...

what about all of those times where I mediated between sister mum and self? We must accept our differences and keep family together...relief on their part...why has that changed..?.yes mum aged now ...harder for her to take on anymore.. I am not wishing that..I am only seeking my mum's love..unconditional love..love that does not stop because a child has challenges of mind...how can parental love disappear?

Only one daughter means something to her now...the one daughter she was able to control..the one daughter who had so much physical illness...this mum could acknowledge..was real for her.....my tumour and major operation did not matter ..she has received updates from my sister..would not respond to my call..she has not spoken to me since the day I went into hospital.....

that is beyond my comprehension..

how can controlling someone be love? How can I be measured as unloveable because I will not ever be controlled again by another human being..

love is supporting..listening...encouraging..giving...

even after everything I still love my mum..I do not like her behaviour....I feel hurt..abandoned..angry..unloved..judged by her...

If word came that she wanted to see me..I would still go to her...I would go with my own knowledge that I am forgiving her....I am learning to accept my feelings about our relationship for what they are..I am learning that I cannot change her as she cannot change me....I also know that I will not accept any judgemental comments..I am being strong...I don't know when her last birthday will be...

I am progressing very slowly now...rehabilitation starting in two weeks..

operation 10 weeks ago today...

I just need to release all of this emotion.....

My husband has been doing so much and I keep on telling him how thankful I am..

Sometimes he forgets because he sees me smiling and because I don't talk about my physical pain..he forgets how little I can do at times..

The pain has increased again as in is not masked by painkillers therefore is felt more in last couple of weeks..Also increasing exercise in pool has stirred up pain..have cut back on bike for now..

woken up several times last night by his snoring...so am in bed earlier tonight ...will read for a short while now then sleep..

hopefully venting all of this will help me sleep...had awful nightmares last night..