Living with Ourselves

Hello again @Jacques

How is your mum feeling today?

I do hope that she has not incurred any serious injuries.

Often when older people fall...not sure how old your mum is....they are frightened and in shock of course...

This can lead to them losing confidence within themselves...their capabilities in the future..

Also leaving them feeling very vulnerable ...

I your mum affiliated with age care...my gov.....

Wondering if she does not have any current support whether or not she might be eligible for some or more..

Hopefully you were given some advice at the hospital..

A check up with her doctor at some time for further assessment...

Not sure how this works in each state with lockdowns either...

How are you managing?.. it would also have been a shock for you and possibly raised your anxiety levels....

I read on the friday feast thread that you love gardening as well....

You mentioned pig face flowers...I had some last summer which flowered for quite some time....I cut off the old flowers and have chopped back the stems as they looked unsightly...I am hoping that they will come back to life at some stage in spring or summer.

Roses are beautiful....I love climbing roses...I had a beautiful banksia yellow version where we lived before..

My garden is not ready yet to include climbing plants.

Other roses aside from rock roses need quite a bit of attention or at least mine did until established...

Prone to aphids and leaf discolouration also..

Hope that you are managing with all that is going on for you..

As far as unanswered questions from the past....I have years worth like you mentioned....I now believe that they were important at that time...unanswered and best left back then..Especially the personal ones about our parents..

You are spot on with your comment about growing up in their era...

This is why I try and for give my mum for most things as her life was very hard and she had to grow up very quickly..

I still love my mum, even though I can no longer see her....

I hope that you have some sunshine today and can get out in your garden..

Speak when you can

hugs and sunshine my friend 💛

Oohhhh shucks @Sophia1 @your message is so kind and nice it has made by day Thankyou from the bottom of my heart ❤️ love from your Clawde😍

hi @Sophia1 ,

mum is feeling ok today, a bit sore and sorry for herself and she has hurt her knee badly.no broken bones thankfully, just a few scrapes and bruises, she will be ok, i really hope it does not upset her confidence.

my mum is 72 she said she will ge tback on the walking machine, i think she will take her jumper off first now though 🙂

the nurse saw her today, i was not able to talk to the doctors or nurses because my town is in complete lockdown only she was allowed in. i will make sure i ask next time i go to my doctor.

yes i got a big shock and it has triggered my seperation anxiety, since the age of 3 i have been terrified to be away from my parents, i only have my mum left and i don't know how i will manage to cope when she is gone. i don't know if i will be able to cope.

yes i do enjoy gardening, your pigs faces should come back better than ever, they get woody if you let them go to far.

oh wow, i love roses too, i had a glen mcgrath rose which was pink, a deep red one and a peach one, i have a lot of red robins and gardenia's

i hope you and your mum can make peace and find a way forward, we never stop loving our parents, good or bad they are all we have, family can be so complicated, i try to push most of mine away so i don't cause my mum issues.

we had a big storm last night and today, but that is ok, we don't get rain much out here, so my rain water tank is happy and so is my lawn and plants 🙂

just chilling out tonight, i have been busy, i hope you had a good day today.

Hello @Clawde

Thank you for your kind words..

A lovely feeling to visit this thread and find such a beautiful thank you...

Reading that I made your day warmed my heart also...

Thank you from the bottom of my heart in return...

That is a lovely saying....

deep like me....🥰

I hope that you have some sunshine to feel today...it is very wet here.

💛

@Sophia1 🤗💛🌄💐🙏

Hello @Jacques

Thank you for your reply...

That is a great relief that she did not break any bones...will certainly help with her confidence.

She would have been thankful hearing that news also..

Laughed when I read about her wanting to get back on the walking machine.

She sounds like me...

walking is like breathing for me...I walk inside when I cannot get out..

I was outside in the garden yesterday even whilst it rained on and off...very invigorating.

I also have a cross trainer which has not been connected for a while..

I intend to start on that again...

So I think that your mum is very much in charge of her own recovery...guided by the gps...best way to be...

she sounds delightful..

Your anxiety around losing someone with whom you have lived for so long is a natural human emotion...

That is one of the problems with having anxiety....something that I work hard at now...

Separating natural responses of feeling anxious about something which is an innate human response to the fear/flight theory..

We tend to feel that every time we feel anxious...our anxiety is taking hold..which increases our anxiety level...

Do you want to try and think about separating the two types of anxiety with me each day...

It takes practice...

Will be confusing at first...that is okay though..

remember every time you learn something new...there can be confusion..

if you are sensitive like I am and overthink things...I also am very hard on myself...self critical..

next time the bubble of anxiety starts to rise....mine is as I am typing....

I am now telling myself that this is the everybody anxious feeling not anxiety as a whole..

anxiety as a whole being too many anxious feelings triggered from past all bundled up together..

I am not explaining this very well...

so perhaps start by thinking about two different kinds of feeling anxious only...that is a big start..

1. anxious as a human reaction that everyone has

2. feeling anxious due to thoughts around what might happen..coming from programmed thinking in our brain long term..for some of us like myself and you since childhood..

My relationship with my mum has for some time now...(since sister created situation of mum taking sides)....

been about my carefully keeping the conversation brief...generalised...not about her home in the nursing home which she has become very defensive about (fuelled by my sister)..

I cannot talk or visit her unless organised by my sister...to allow my sister to feel better and allay some of her guilt..all set up on her terms..

I write cards to my mum...which I believe that my sister reads to her...not sure if she reads everything or anything..I receive a short cold text from sister stating mum thanks you for the card...

So I tell myself that is as much as I can do...I have made peace with mum a few years ago after she was horrible to me when I was going into major surgery...

I understand everything that you say...

I hope that you can spend more time enjoying the time with her that you have now and might still have for another 20 years....my mum is 95...

anxiety around losing our loved ones robs us of the time that we can have with them..

Do you have any therapy or counselling Jacques to talk about your concerns?

Therapy for me has saved me...Finding the best fit for therapist means sometimes not staying with the ones we first try....I am with my third effort and have been for 7 years... Worth working hard at...Helps break down that programmed thinking since childhood that I referred to earlier..

If this is all too serious to write about and read for you...please let me know...I will not continue along this line...I am wanting to respect your feelings as well as your own space...your boundaries..

Thank you for reassurance around pig face.. my gardenia is in a pot still in my garden house.. I am frightened to put it in the ground...

I have lost them before when living elsewhere..

We do have light frost here....strong winds and dry spells..

What would you suggest as to where to plant...type of soil....full sun?

I do love the rain ...we have had a lot this winter which is great for the soil and plants and me ...

Pleased to hear that your rain water tank is happy along with lawn and plants.

Hope you have some time to get out into the garden today which I know will make you feel good inside...

Am enjoying this friendship ...

Write when you can and I will reply when I can

take care my friend Jacques

💛💚

Thank you @Anastasia

I hope that you are well...managing with family as well as lockdown which I believe that you are still in..

Sophia

💛

Thank you @Sophia1

Yes deep in lockdown where we are 😔

Take care 💕

Hi @Sophia1

yes the doctors and nurses got a good laugh out of mums mishap, now mum is on the mend she sees the funny side of it, she said she will treat the treadmill like her enemy when she is walking on it from now on 🙂

im glad you are going to start on your cros trainer, they are great when the weather is bad.

hmm seperating anxiety, it is difficult for me because i have had it for so long it intermingles and is hard to seperate, sometimes i get anxious about being anxious, it might sound silly.

yes, i have been trying mindfullness to bring myself back to the present when im worrying about what might be, which i do often. i sometimes do silly things and ruminate about it for weeks.

im so sorry things are so difficult for you with your family, it sounds like your sister wants all your mums attention, it is hard when people prevent others from spending time with loved ones, when my dads mum was terminally ill a lady known to the hospital came in and got my grandmother to stop contact with dad and i, by the time she realised that she was being manipulated it was too late, she died before her and dad could make things right. the lady stole all the documents and photo's and threw my grandmothers ashes out to the tip. it hurts not having the photo's and somewhere to morne, people can be so cruel sometimes.

no i don't have anyone i talk to , in m,y small town there is only 1 mental health professional and when i saw him he said i was faking anxiety to get the dole, so i only went once.

as for your pigs faces, they like well draining soil in full sun, don't worry too much if you forget to water them as they are drought tollerent. i have them running down my foot path and in the back yeard, they seem to like being in pots, well mine do.

i have not tried planting gardenia's in the ground all mine are in pots, im growing them into a canopy over my gazibo

yes, i did get out today, i fixed my washing machine and did some more tidying up in my shed, i watered all my pot plants yesterday, some got a little frost bite on the leaves but nothing too serious. if you get bad frosts you can put a thing called frost blanket around your gardenia's they sell it at all hardware stores.

im enjoying chatting too my friend, i hope today is treating you well.

Jacques

Oh so good to hear from you my friend @Jacques

I am very similar to you in worrying about worrying...

I have to have some stern talks to myself...

I worry about what I write to people even when I am supporting and reassuring them...

I noted also that you used the phrase ...anxious about being anxious ..silly ruminating about it for weeks.

This I believe is more common than rare.

Anxiety is nasty and we really do have to work hard at stopping ourselves from sending the negative messages to our brain...

Something to do everyday that we have the anxiety...

"That is not the truth..that is the negative mind speaking..ignore"...I am using this one at the moment..

My anxiety has definitely increased...

I have been standing up for myself with a few people who push my boundaries and invade my space..

This I have been putting into practice within the last 5 or so years after being advised to by my therapist..

I have always been a person to place more concern around how others are feeling even when they are not respecting me. I went into automatically finding reasons justifying their behaviour and the way they spoke to me or treated me..

This is a hard one to work on ...I am trying...

It is increasing my anxiety though...

I did not realise that your mum fell over the treadmill...was that the relevance of taking off her jumper next time?

Lovely that she has a sense of humour...

Do you have many humourous moments together?

I miss that with my mum and twin the three of us used to laugh when we were out ; all having a very dry sense of humour....

Then my sister had physical illness and loss of partner which brought on her extreme anxiety...

I felt so much for her and was there for her even though we live quite a way from each other...

She appreciated my help in the early stages...

She had asked mum to move in with her prior to the loss of her partner which mum did.

My sister changed and became bitter....suffocating my mother ...taking away her independence...Sister did not grieve and mum became her next person to nurture and suffocate...

We can't change what happens to people..

Families are usually the worst...I have been told there is usually at least one troublesome person in every family..

That mental health person saying that to you was breaking the code of conduct within their professional role...or should I say not professional at all...

That is dreadful making an appointment for help and being spoken to like that..

Please know that person was an idiot..

Faking anxiety obviously he is not knowledgeable about the condition and the fact that symptoms are different for everyone...

Erase that person and experience from your mind if you can..

I love the sound of your garden...

are your gardenias in pots in full sun?

I was thinking about growing a banksia rose over my garden shed wall and roof as climbing roses like heat..

Had not thought about gardenias...

Although my husband would not want the pots there.....next to the garden shed...

Food for thought...or plants for thought...

I did not get outside yesterday..Too much rain..

Also building a new house next door on empty block...noisy and dusty..

I also cancelled a carers lunch today just not wanting to be around other people..

Feeling very vulnerable at the moment..

Will look up more about gardenias...

Thank you again for writing..

Look forward to hearing from you again soon when you are able to..

Find some sun 💛 your friend Sophia