Living with Ourselves

Dear @eudemonism

I am shocked and saddened to hear of your loss of a family member.

You are possibly feeling grief in so many forms ...

shock....questioning the reality and yourself.

yes anger is always in there...some people never find that or recognise that feeling..

You are as I have mentioned before, in touch with many of your inner feelings...you express your feelings and question them which is a unique way for each of us to understand more how we are as a person...this is good..

it can be very painful though..

seeking help from a counsellor is a very wise and sensible move...

These feelings of grief and questioning will become muddled with your pre-existing feelings...this will be a struggle and again wise to have professional support..

You are showing great strength of character again Eude..

It becomes difficult when we need time out....I know this only too well myself...at the same time we want that connection with those to whom we feel close to and safe with on here...

so one day at a time my dear friend...

many of your friends on the forums might not realise what you are going through...

that is the way the forum works....know that they would show their support if they were aware..

You are respected and well thought of...

We care about you Eude..

Now is time for Eude though...Eude needs to continue to allow himself to feel and know that all emotions are ok as long as you are safe...

keep up the counselling

my arms are outstretched to give you a massive hug and hold you should you feel the need to be held.

silence is healing also

your dear friend Sophia 💜

dear @Exoplanet

Thank you for your supportive words..

I blanked stuff out or dissociated or whatever term from a very young age...

Noone really knows as I can only speak of feelings that emerge during therapy where I feel like a child..

Your brain not allowing you to think about the pain is your body's way of helping you through the ordeal that you are facing leading up to the surgery.

The surgery itself you will not feel at all as you will be monitored by an anaethetist throughout the whole operation..that is their job to make sure that you are pain free ...

when you come out of surgery ...some time in care unit...you will have a drip attached administering pain relief...

all of this will be explained to you..they will let you know how to manage pain relief...

Being with your sister will be different to when you are together and well...do not concern yourself with that..

remember you can always say that you do not feel like talking..you just want to rest or distract..

take some of your dog's toys or a blanket with their smell and leave them some of your clothing or shoes where they normally sleep..

you can pre-arrange with whoever will be minding them that once able to you would like to ring and have them put the phone on speaker so that your puppies can hear your voice....I did that with my cats...they turned their heads. they knew my voice..

I do understand the wanting to come home already.

I can remember telling anyone who asked that I just want to be at two weeks after not two weeks before..

You will get through this...one day at a time..

each day look back at the day before...

if you feel more uncomfortable might be a sign that you are doing too much too soon. step it back..

an occupational health therapist or physiotherapist will visit you after your operation I imagine to give you some encouragement to get up and move as soon as able..

You already have such great strength in going through what you have....organising so much...

You are still an inspiration dear exoplanet...

believe in you.. (I am still working on this...actually just reminded me when I wrote it to you..so thank you , you are helping me xx)

ps. I have kept hospital at bay...(hospital for mind not physical) am all over the place..just taking each hour at a time on some days ..it is working ..

big hug to you also

love Sophia 💜

thank you @eudemonism @outlander @Maggie @Former-Member @eth and all others..

I will be back another time..

thinking of you all though

take care

@Sophia1 yea just taking one day at a time. It's very difficult to comprehend everything I'm faced with each day. Being heavily medicated makes it especially difficult because I'm never my true or normal self .everything is a huge effort and a big anticlimax and just another attempt to cope with the moment.

@eudemonism You sound like a very deep thinker. I pass many thoughts like you are having past my social worker. She often tells me I think on a deeper level than many people do. It can make things difficult because it’s crystal clear to you, but mud to many.

i too struggle with any kind of connection irl. Most don’t get me, or don’t want to. People often just want to say what they think, but not listen to others thoughts, that’s my experience anyway. 💜💕💜

@Sophia1 Take care. You are doing your best. That’s good enough. 💕💜💕

You speak of me being an inspiration & helping you, I'm very glad.
You are an inspiration & you are helping me! Thank you
It's good you've kept hospital at bay . . . & you talk about me having strength!
Let's believe in each other, as well as ourselves
Love & friendship to you @Sophia1

@Maggie just yesterday i was saying if it's not one problem it's another. Plus I'm thinking that i really like sleeping and relaxing and being sedated / being horizontal. Because it's easier then trying to get on with life and achieve things. As soon as I'm vertical the stress and problems kick in. i think i deserve plenty of down time after considering what I've been through over the last few years.

Spot on @Maggie @eudemonism

I too feel that you are a deep thinker Eude.

I recognise that in you also.. @Maggie

I am very deep...My mother and sister have never been able to cope with this...which caused so much confusion and pain growing up...even in adult years up to now..

My husband has told me that he has never met anyone who thinks as deeply as I do and he has been on many committees, organisations, clubs..

My psychiatrist has admitted to me that he too is a deep thinker as I kept on apologising would you believe.

He too has said well you are an extremely deep person...have not met anyone who thinks as deeply..

all codswollup to me...

what is deep thinking when it is us who are thinking...being ourselves...

why do others get upset..threatened..intimidated?

So what if we are in the minority...we are who we are.,.

beyond me...I don't waste any more time trying to work it out now...has taken up far too many years of my life...

Society mostly does not understand people who think differently...talk about ideas...do not follow the sheep..in my experience the vast number of people talk about themselves..are not good listeners...

I think that I am finally accepting this and learning to smile inside..

Would be lovely if we three could meet and have a wonderful, indepth conversation...

wow imagine where our minds would take us...

I don't have many words of encouragement at the moment because I am a babbling mess, stuck in the deep abyss, behaving like a sloth and internalising all of the horrible feelings ...blaming self...

the old patterned thinking...

a little voice in my head speaking so very very softly I can hear every now and again.

move your body..

focus your eyes on something

notice the colours..the light...the sound...movement..

temporarily I am dissociated from the abyss.

so hour by hour I am surviving..

you are survivors too Eude and Maggie

big group hug

💛💚💙💜🧡

ps

apologies that this is so depressing...I know that you get it...please do not let it affect your moods though..

The storm does pass...

@Sophia1

@Maggie

I feel there is something missing or something that is not quite right... it's a physical sensation ... it's usually always with me... and indeed it drives me a little crazy...

Eude

@eudemonism Is it like dissociation, or something completely different.?