My journey

You are her mum @Former-Member and she needs her mum! You have told me a lot of things you do for your daughter and everything I have read says to me you are a good mum - you feed, clothe and house her, you try to explain right from wrong and you are teaching her boundaries and personal safety - all those things say you are doing the best you can with what you have got. Your change in physical appearance does not mean you are not looking after yourself - it just means that you are prioritising your daughter and that is a good thing Hon.

I keep believing I am a s**t mum.

From physiological stuff said & now because of circumstances and my mental health. It just doesn’t teach my daughter about self care though & self respect when I am going through the trauma. I feel so self destructive. I feel like everyone looks me and thinks poor kid and that’s how I honestly have felt for so long.

I end up hating myself even more from mistakes and choices with what’s wrong with me & it turns inward or outward. Everytime I step out I feel so far behind everyone else and then get angry because I am so depressed @Zoe7 I feel guilt all the time for my daughter.

When it comes down to it @Former-Member you are doing the best you can for your daughter. Your mental health issues are not your fault and you should not be judged for being unwell. Your daughter knows that you love her and you provide for her - that is all she cares about - that you are there and she has what she needs. If she is safe, housed, clothed, fed and looked after then it doesn't matter what others think - you are her mum and that means everything to her.

Have you seen your gp lately - maybe it is time to have another visit and chat about your mental health and what can be done to help you right now because trying to do this all on your own is really affecting you Hon and I hate seeing you like this

I am messed up @Zoe7

You are not messed up Hon - you are not well - there is a big difference @Former-Member

You are struggling with so much right now - the place you are living in, the hassles you had at work, the people around you - none of that on it's own would be enough to handle but put it all together and it makes it so hard. Your priority is and always has been your daughter and you do whatever you can to look after her. You need some more support right now - do you have someone you could talk to? Is it time to see you gp and ask for some extra help?

I don’t. Have just pushed everyone away. I honestly don’t think I am going to through this @Zoe7 I keep thinking backwards no matter what. I have no idea who I am anymore. I barely even crack a smile in public. It’s been so long. I keep lashing out all the time

How about your Mum @Former-Member? I know you missed her while you were away.

Even with Mum. I took the trauma out on Mum too and still do. I am weak because I can’t handle what’s going on with me. I’ve never felt anything like it to be honest the last few years. Mum has her own stuff too. I really am like a shell of a person now. I always struggled with low self esteem but never this bad. I don’t like the person I look at the mirror anymore. I can’t take a photo of myself & Bub without thinking there is something wrong with me. I am crying as i write this. It’s been the darkest hell of my life @Zoe7 just even when I look back when I was in the refuge I see constant changes within myself, that’s what makes me feel lost. I carry on the way I do because I don’t want anyone to break me down but I do feel broken down & broken. I pushed myself so much. At the moment I can’t even work out why I fake being ok. I remember most and then have memory loss with my reactions

I went crazy and I feel unstable

I look like an addict I look homeless @Zoe7

I haven’t worn a dress in like a year maybe even longer. Just keep thinking how much you’re life can change and fall apart.

I am ashamed of some actions I made with the trauma and worst thing is I know I will get triggered again or my behaviour might be bad again and that’s what scares me. I wasn’t always this messed up. I really don’t trust anyone and everyone walks on egg shells with me now @Zoe7 I literally hate it and can understand why so many don’t make it

You are really down at the moment @Former-Memberand although I am more than happy to chat to you here I also think you need some added support irl. Can you see your gp and ask for a referral to a psychologist. I really think you need to find someone you can talk all this stuff through with and find some strategies to help you work through some of it a bit easier than you are doing now. I hate seeing you so down on yourself and your life Hon and I honestly believe that you need this added support. Think about it @Former-Member - it may really help you to be able to talk this out with someone irl. In the meantime I am more than haooy to listen and support you here

I think the stress has taken its toll @Zoe7 I am out today and do feel a bit better than last night. I think I just need a big change.

I just can see how much the depression is taking over my life and I want it to stop.

I know we have a home but it’s not a home if that makes sense.

I honestly can’t believe how much I have changed sometimes. That unit does my head in... it’s sort of weird when I look back at the same time. It’s like everyone had this knowing of how I was going to end up...

it’s so weird. Really can’t believe all the hate and stuff. A lot of the financial stress has definately made me lose myself too. Just feel so unstable it’s not funny. I will book myself in next week