My journey

It is so hard to turn that negativity around @Former-Member Until I joined here I didn't have anyone other than my gp I could talk to about anything - I had isolated myself completely from life - I went to work and I stayed home with my fur babies - and to a certain extent I still do that. I have just started going to the pool for hydrotherapy but apart from that the ony social interactions I have are with my gp, pdoc and in DBT group. I find it very hard to trust anyone as I am sure you do - it is a tough way to live our lives but when you have had that trust broken so many times it is so difficut to believe you can ever have it with anyone again. There are several people on here that I have begun to trust but that has taken nearly 2 years of getting to know them and each of those relationships started out just like you and me - talking to and supporting each other. I know it is not always easy to chat to others but you do a great job with me and I see it as a positive relationship you have in your life - it may not be like an offline relationship but it is still very real and one that I value

Feel alone it Zoe. It definately has taken a hold on me @Zoe7

I don’t really socialise anymore. Just look after my daughter and work, when I work or move things around in the house over and over again, sounds silly. I can’t even remember the last time I danced around the house and I used to dance everywhere. I can’t really connect with anyone without having it control me

It is a hard place to be @Former-Member you don't want to connect with anyone because you are frightened how that relationship will go but without those connections you are alone. I think moving things around in the house is a way for you to take control over your environment yet you are not sure what that looks for for you therefore you are constantly changing things to try to find what works for you - I used to do that with my room when I was younger - it was my way of having control over my environment.

I was the same I used to love to dance and it didn't matter if I was alone or with others but now I don't even think about it. Things can change so suddenly!

Pretty much @Zoe7 Safer to not get hurt again

That is exactly how I feel too @Former-Member

I think I have hurt myself more though now for a while. Bit hard to not punish myself for my mistakes in life @Zoe7

You are not to blame for what has happened to you though @Former-Member - I know that doesn't always seem that way but it was done to you Hon not by you. It took me a long time to understand that I was not at fault or that I didn't make the right decisions - when it came down to it I was too scared to leave and that is not something that I could have changed at the time - fear can be all encompassing!

It was done to me but I still feel like it’s all my fault. Some times I think maybe I should have stayed now after everything within the last few years. I don’t think I will ever stop punishing myself. I know I have also abused people from the trauma of it & put them down as well which I will always be ashamed of @Zoe7

It was not your fault @Former-Member and as hard as it is to see that sometimes it is often harder to feel it You may have hurt people yourself but I believe strength lies in the capacity to know that and to ensure it doesn't happen again. Knowing what it feels like to be on both side of that should give you great insight into how others feel also and that you can work on not letting happen again.

I am going to log off shortly @Former-Member so I will say goodnight now. I hope you sleep well Hon