The Virtual Village - a space for parenting 'stuff'

Hi @utopia

Feel guilty - no - I think you need not. You cared for your son alone for a long time and during the time I have known you - there was a lot of time for you in hospital and your son lived with your mother - that was okay then I think and now - he is 17 - nearly of legal age - and he can make that choice

My son was only 12 when he went into foster care - I couldn't manage him anymore and it was not just my decision - a lot of people were involved - I remember the first morning - standing in my kitchen feeling this incredible relief - and although those years were hard I didn't feel guilty - I stuck by him as much as I could which was a lot considering the circumstances

So now your house is tidy, quiet - no dishes left around - no wet towels - the floor is clear.

Feel guilty - no - I don't think that's necessary - I think I've been there and I'm with you

Dec

@CheerBear Thanks, Unicorn glitter that gave me a laugh.

Hi @Sweet_cheeks

Some of my five kids are gamers .... primarily the boys, but the girls are too. It worried me for a while how much time they spend on gaming, but it’s only one who is really struggling who is sort-of overdoing it, and I can clearly see that they are using it as a coping mechanism. The others have moderated their use, pretty much, and are achieving, some at “high potential” careers (they are all adult now).

I hope this helps.

The wall punching I would take to be frustration. My kids would have registered as oppositional-defiant, probably. If you look that up, as I did, it might help you, as it did for me, to see what these kids need to be able to manage their frustrations.

Generally it’s about control. They need to feel in control of their choices and their environment, so as much as you can enable their choices , I found anyway that it helped to reduce the baby-dragonfire behaviour and produce some calm communications.

Rather than trying to control their technology use, I would call “family meetings”, asking for us all to sit around a table for 20mins (with chips or ice cream) and have a chat about things. I would provide pamphlets and things that talked about boundaries on internet use, screen time, etc, and ask them what they thought about it, and did “we” need to put some structure into our household tech use.

Of course they didn’t want any restraints, but we ended up making deals about things, reaching general agreements, and having made those general agreements, they retained a sense of responsibility and control over their own choices.

Occasionally when things turned a bit problematic, I would ask casually whether we needed to revisit boundaries, but that was enough for them to revisit how they were conducting themselves for themselves.

Incidentally we have also talked about perfectionism and other things at a more adult level, and they are pretty good at recognising and managing their own pitfalls.

👋💕🌈 ..... @CheerBear

@Faith-and-Hope Thanks for that advice. I think having a family meeting is a good idea. It sounds like the Brady Bunch.

. My husband plays board games with them which is more social. My son doesn't really want to but ends up enjoying himself. Anyway I'll look up anger oppositional defiant and see what I can do to help him. He's a great kid.

We have family games nights too @Sweet_cheeks and the kids love them.

All the best with it.

Hi @CheerBear

Challenges - yes - although I didn't get fazed with the hard work that came with the babies their individual early life issues were totally unexpected. And I was unable to breast-feed - my son being adopted meant it was impossible but my daughter just refused the breast - and the bottle - and I was frantic - but she's okay now - she always has been the rose of my life

And guilt - totally useless and a huge problem - we feel that anyway but it's amazing how people can gather around and heap that on us

Let's dispose of guilt - easier said than done - but it is useless - we only need helpful emotions

All the best CheerBear

Dec