Alone

youve done the best you can in taking care of your sister, you cant help those who dont want it though which makes it really hard but im glad shes getting help now. i think speaking to your psychologist again would be a big help for you. itll give you that one-on-one support as well.

hmm im not sure of many other services for that age group but your gp might or a psych... @Kitten

Hello @Kitten and welcome to Forum Land. Thank you for the tag @Appleblossom

@Kitten I hear you, I understand that feeling of helping others, sometimes even before they realise they needed the help you provided, and then not getting any help in return. It's really quite devastating, more especially so when no one wants to listen to you, but you seem to always be able to be there for them.

I'd like to write more but I have to go get brekkie (yep, late schedule today) I will come back as soon as I can though.

One thing I used to do was try to find one small thing that I could do for myself that didn't involve the others in the family to find a sense of peace in my day. A few minutes that were truly only mine. Watching a sunset with a cuppa and no one else with me was one of those things.

Look after you @Kitten there are lots of people here who know just how you feel and will help you manage.

Thanks for the tag @outlander ....

Hi @Kitten and welcome to the forums ..... 👋

You have just experienced two of the vital functions of this forum .... being heard, and connecting with peers ..... other people who are struggling with mental health issues, whether as carers or having lived experience.

I am so sorry to hear that you have family who don’t show either love or respect for you, and aren’t managing their own life skills very well, so out of love for them you have stepped up to a carer role to support them ..... all without acknowledgement or gratitude. @outlander is one of our forumites in the same sort of situation, and there are others .... many others .....

Its a shame, and it is really hard going. We all need validation and acceptance, and you will at least find some of that here, albeit in the virtual realm. I assure you, we are all real people behind the screens.

What @outlander is talking about is creating some emotional distance between yourself and family members who ar3 not nurturing in their relationship with you ..... like a bit of a shield. It helps to prevent you from suffering as much at their hands, but you are still close enough to interact and share household resources. If the relationships are not nurturing and respectful, then the only thing you owe them is politeness .... nothing more ..... and the more you try to win love, appreciation and affection from people who don’t know how to give it, or don’t have it to give, the more it brings you down.

Seek love, appreciation and respect / affection elsewhere .... perhaps in community groups or volunteer roles, and treat your interactions with family as a duty only. Changing the way you approach your circumstances can help you to cope better with them, moving forwards.

You will also need to develop a bank of self-care products and activities, because caring for people wh9 are “takers” is very draining. Carer’s burnout is a real thing, so I would certainly recommend you continue with the psychologist in support of your own mental health.

💐💕

@Kitten there's lots of good information here, and you can always ask for clarity if you need something explained too.

In my younger years, when I didn't know it wasn't okay to be treated like I was being treated, I facilitated much of the bad behaviours others were exhibiting. The husband (long ago ex) drank too much and behaved very poorly, not only to me, but also to others. In my mortification, I covered up his misdeeds and lateness to work and other much worse activities.

I made excuses for the other family members whose poor behaviours, what I thought were ill chosen words, and ignorance of how to be kind and considerate, hurt me over and over and over again. I forgave them for far, far too many years. It did take me many years to see there was a different way of being.

At every party, organised 'do', family gathering, when it came to clean up time the phrase that went around the room whenever someone who was not family, offered to help was, "Oh, don't worry about that, SunShower will do all of that. She enjoys it." Ummm, no.

So, yes, I hear you. I withdrew gradually from being amenable and helpful.

Oh, my, goodness, you've reminded me of a time I truly put my foot down and refused to take responsibilty for tasks not mine.

One holiday, we'd (2 adults, 1 child at this time) be away interstate for about 8 weeks, so it had to be planned well. I stated a month before that I would not be packing their things, they would have to make their own lists, and when it came the day to pack, pack it themselves in the cases provided. Instructions were repeated. The child checked their list with me and we collaborated on what would and would not fit in. Packing was done and 2 days into the holiday, ex-h discovered he'd only brought the socks he was wearing and 2 pairs of underwear! Not my responsibility. I would not and did not feel bad.

Assess things and what you can make a different with. Know you cannot change anyone else, you can only change yourself and how you react or respond to any given situation. Don't start a war, teensy tiny steps to being stronger in yourself. Start small, very small, make a change that you can keep to and allow yourself to sometimes not want to make even that stand.

If I may suggest, if you perhaps read, a book that really helped me to see I wasnt' helping either myself or the others by being responsible for things that weren't my responsibility was The Road Less Travelled by M. Scott Peck. He is a christian psychologist (something I had to get past before i coud read his works) but he has significant insight into how society trains people to behave certain ways.

Whatever you decide to do, it's your decision, it takes time to find one's own feet and there are many people here who will help you.

Hi @Kitten ..... that sounds like something to do with the way he was raised. It might help to get a counsellor to speak to him and explain to him what it is you need at times like that. Especially coming from a male counsellor, or family doctor (if that’s okay for you) because it’s also likely to do with his self-image as a man, and not losing face.