On the capacity to be alone

I found it very helpful to make sense of general history and our specific pasts.I used to grump about the ironies of pride in convict royalty ...

I saw small plays that gave me understanding ..eg about a woman's grief in losing children due to lack of doctors.

recently 2 different ladies I met from choirs are distant relatives of my father ... as my dad did not know his relatives it is quite amazing ... I was given a newspaper article which tells the story of how the family came here ... 3 convict brothers ... and a few rellies who followed them and settled.

One of dad's forbears spoke at Eureka. My dad would have been proud to know that but didnt.

When I think about the harshness of the climate and living conditions it helps me understand some of the harshness in attitudes I come across and not take it personally.

That is extraordinary that you were able to connect the two women in the choirs as distant relatives of your father. One of your forbears speaking at Eureka, that is convict royalty. One of the female ancestors I was drawn to was a very young single mum whose child was given to her older married sister to raise. She ended up in the bush with a huge brood after she eventually married, acting as the community midwife, including for some aboriginal births in the area. Yes, the climate and living conditions were very harsh. I'm sure it has had an impact on the character of many of us.

The first time was in a conducting workshop and an older lady approached me because of my name .. after divorce I went back to my maiden name... and she gave me the article about the convict story.

Then when I started in my current choir I was formally introduced ... and as I sat down a young woman said she was married into the family and later introduced me as family to her daughter ... I occasionally see the first lady in interchoir dos.

Bit by bit we piece a story together ... and I do think we need to keep telling our stories ... like the ABC and SBS suggest.

Last week online .. I found out the name of the ship the convicts came out on ... it was quite weird ... but I still havent made all the links as not sure which one or if it was another rellie that I am descended from ... but I somehow think of Australian history a little differently now that I can position myself within it.

It could be good to tell your story too @Mazarita ... helps put things in perspective for others ... maybe help break down some barriers with the indigenous people.

My dad only introduced me to aboriginals or ship's officers at Garden island and took me to an ALP meeting once ... he was very alone after 16 years in orphanage ... so you can understand why I can now put his so-called schizophrenia in a broader social perspective ... along with the fact that he was better educated and gentler than mother's rellies and many Aussie males I have met since. Part of my insight has been getting the same treatment that he got ... hmmm. he died at age 45 ... of pneumonia .. in a hospital ... hmmm .. not suicide ..

I could not have controlled or anticipated the 2 women who approached me ... it was just luck or fate ... as both of them had different surnames now as they had married ... so it required them to come out of themselves and tell me and make the connection. We can do a lot alone but its lovely when there are social surprises that are good.

The way you talk about your dad being gentle and educated touches me. Are there any other good memories you have of him? I often look back at my father's life with sorrow and yet there were good times for him and with him too, and wonderful things about him. I still love him and feel close to him though he passed away over a decade ago. You've written before about your dad but I don't remember everything. The broader social context has a role to play in MI, without doubt.

It does sound a bit fated that you met those two women. It's great that they approached you about the connection, and then referred to you as family...

We had 2 years together after my stint in the orphanages ... when I was the sole child... the others were still in welfare ... I was 8-10 so my memories are pretty clear and I have a fair idea of his general character ... then my brother came home and mum used him to change the locks on dad and then dad got locked up in psych ward ... he was dead when I was 11 .. I generally reconstruct from solid evidence .. like dates of death etc ... which meant that my brother only knew him for about 6 months ... so when brother started to research into his dad and attempt to develop his own sense of manhood ... schizophrenia is a pretty scary word ... for kids to read and integrate without proper supprt and we had none from mum ... just paranoia and her rage and fear of being found out ... silly woman .. we did love her too ...I valued brother's sharing as he started the document research before me ... I have just continued the work that my 2 dead siblings started ... my dead sister never knew dad ... but she started therapy and youth work training ... so had better understanding of psychology than my religious zealot of a mother ... the youngest one was 3 months old when he died.

Yes and then when I put 2 + 2 together I realised that not all Australian males are obnoxious drunks ... what a surprise ...

I do want to write and publish my story to give better insight into words and labels and context.

If it isn't too raw for you to write about, it's a good plan to publish your family story. It can be painful though revisiting the past over and over in the writing process. I gave up a big writing project because I felt it was traumatising me to keep revisiting those experiences. These things depend on the person though. For some people these things are said to be cathartic.

I am not sure how I will manage it but it is on my list for next year.

As there are good memories entwined with the bad, it is one of the ways I get to access the positive. Keeping my music going is a way I handle the writing so that I dont get to lost in my head.

I also needed to wait and process enough to reduce my rage.