catching up

The source of your anger can also be the source of your strength which enables us all to go on. Its part of maturation. Just keep chipping away doing all the positive creative things that you do.

I hope your mum gets better. The health scares do get more common.

The main way I dont feel alone has been through this forum, where I have been totally out there with all the shameful stuff. It helps me balance my skeleton social life in choirs and the arts.

I just had a visit from a lovely German lady who was picking up tickets for the Matthaus Passion. I met her a few years ago in a recorder group, which I was asked to leave. We kept loose contact, and she phoned me told me I was genius, and wanted tickets. I was surprised but felt a bit vindicated, I tried hard to fit into that recorder group and was very hurt by the lady-minister's approach to me. Anyway this lady understood the issues. She brought her own score and we talked about her time as a young singer when she was back in Germany and taught by a Thomaner ... from St Thomas Leipzig. She loved my Kathe Kollwitz black and white pics on the wall.

She is just a friendly lady, I wouldnt want to burden her with the details of my story. She is old, but it helps to have many little experiences that are positive and understanding that people reject me maybe for the wrong reasons.

Just babbling on. Take care @Jacques

@hiddenite you are in a state of extreme stress ... dont label yourself as to what you have become ... we all have our moments. I m not driving at the moment either. I ponder the weirdness how in one generation women are scoffed at for not knowing much about cars and then the next they are constant 24/7 chauffeurs. Maybe try and get rest.

Hi my angel,

I just got home, i am so exhausted and low, mum is home, the medical thing is ongoing, she has to see the doctor on monday, i am struggling to cope with all this.

Karen, it is both our faults, i have not been a good friend this year, i have said many things to you i should not have, reguaring your family, yourself and my own daemons. i would totally understand if you wanted to walk away from our friendship, it upsets me to even say it, but i would much rather we had no contact than for me to hurt you, you are my best friend and i will be on here as long as i live supporting you, i will always be here for you.

The past 2 years have bee nso wonderful for me, you have given me a reason to be happy, you have given me a reason to live and a reason to care for people again. you are a wonderful woman Karen, an excellent mother and an awesome friend, i aspire to be as kind as you are.

Karen, i will never leave your side, if you want to not speak to me that is ok, i would understand, you are in my thoughts always and you have a special place in my heart.

Gentle hugs my sweet princess, i am sorry for hurting you.

Jacques

He @Appleblossom, Anger it the only thing that has kept me going for the past 15 years, without it i would not be here, but i am tired of being angry, i am so tired of the person i am, i wish i could have been someone else, someone who loves and cares for people, it is a skill i am yet to learn and master.

I feel as though i am living a lie, i feel like a clown smiles on the outside, dead on the inside. i wish i did not feel alone but i do, i know my life will always be filled with lonlyness. the forums do keep me alive though.

I am so glad you are still keeping lose contacts, it is so important, i burned all my contacts because of my MI i pushed everyone away i know so i would not hurt them. that is why i have been alone for almost 2 decades.

You have had a lot of life experiances @Appleblossom, some i wish you never had to experiance, but life is what it is and you have made the best out of the situation you where given, that is all you can do, i hope you see you have done so much good in your life, a wonderful son, who is growing into a well adjusted man and a home, what more do we need in life. it is all about the simple things.

I spent 2 years washing, feeding and showering my father, i can see mum going down hill fast, it is partly old age and partly because of the stress i have caused her. she deserved so much better than me, she deserved so much better.

i hope yor night goes well @Appleblossom, please keep your chin up.

Jacques

Hi @Jacques

I'm sorry to hear about your mum. It sounds like you take good care of her - she's lucky to have you. Many elderly people have to live by themselves.

I can see that you're low at the moment, you've have mentioned that yourself. However, the main thing that indicates to me that you're feeling that way is that you're exceptionally tough on yourself.

To say that you're not a good friend to Karen, or any of us for that matter, is simply untrue. Reading over your posts, even the words you just said to @Appleblossom about wishing she hadn't had certain experiences in her life, shows your compassion.

MI is a sneaky thing that distorts our thoughts. I hope you believe what we're all saying, because it sounds like you're listening to the MI.

We're around tonight - hope you keep chatting with us tonight.

Hi @NikNik,

You are right, the MI has control over me, i am too exhausted to fight it, i have not slept for more than 2 hours at a time for over a month now, my views, mental stability and emotions are out of control.

I am so tired of fighting this, mentally, physically and emotionally. just so tired.

I do care deeply for everyone here, i just feel like i am failing everyone by being the way i am, i feel like i bring eveyrone down with me. it is not fair what i am doing to everyone.

Karen, it is ok to focus on you, you have every right to, i am so glad you slept today, you so needed good rest, when you are tired it is so hard to fight, i know my angel, i am exhausted too, please always care for yourself first, i am finding i am getting seperation anxiety when you are not around, I feel like i am so close to you, like you are part of my close family, i miss you so much when yo uare not around, i know it is part of this stupid anxiety, but i am so happy i care about you so much.

I would really like it if you want to chat to me, i don't want to pressure you though, if you are not up to it, that is ok.

I just want you to be safe, happy and healthy. you are a wonderful person Karen, please always remember that. i am so lucky to have met you, you are the light of my pathetic existance.

@Jacques and @hiddenite - are either of you up for a mini holiday tonight?

Beach, forest, mountains - your choice 🙂