catching up

Jacques - I totally understand why it would be triggering.

We're here if you need a hand with it & please do close it down if you find anything about it triggering.

Don't force yourself.

Good night @NikNik

Good night my angel,

My mood is dropping fast, i am going offline so i don't upset you, sorry.

hugs and please be safe.

Jacques

Good night @Jacques, talk to you soon

Hi my angel,

It is past midnight, i am thinking of you and wondering how you are going, i have not asked you in a while and i am so sorry for that, please tell me how you are.

I feel we are drifting apart, it makes me sad, i really miss you. you have been such a positive person in my life, you give me so much, i wish i could repay what you have given me.

i hope you are safe and thiings are getting a bit better, i worry about you a lot my friend, i wish i had someone like you here to spend time with, i sometimes feel it would be nice to have a friend.

sorry i am babbling on, anyway, i just want to say hi, i miss you and you are in my thoughts everyday.

Jacques

@Jacques You just described a scene of your anger. It would have felt awful for you and your mum, but it wasnt deliberately hurting any person. @hiddenite said she understood and I believe her. She has seen a lot of life. You have a lot of self control and you ARE a gentleman. That is part of the problem, you do care about the consequences of your anger.

When I grew up I saw a lot of random people around me being angry. I was so much on the outside that I couldnt really accept my own anger, I just submitted and tried to please everyone. As time passed I found that I could get very angry and I dont want to be a hurtful person, but the more I deny it in me the harder it is to control ... hence it pops out in unexpected outbursts. Increases in anxiety and panic can be the worst times.

I dont know what the answer is ... when i look at my anger ... it feels so huge and overpowering .. I have decided the best thing is to talk about it and openly admit that I have anger. It doesnt always make me look good, but I have settled it with myself that I am not presenting a facade. It very rarely surfaces anymore, though it did in January, but I have talked that through with the people. They said it was scary seeing me in a fullblown panic anger attack, but also she owned that she didnt realise I seriously meant it when I was getting jittery. I was pretty tough on her, but she had been tough on me. Her strength and my strength. All I could do was hope and pray that the theories are right and that authentic relationships need to be able to tolerate some expressions of direct anger. It stops anger going underground and being more subtle and unltimately more damaging.

Anyway thats me babbling on about the anger topic. I hope you cleaned up your mess. When you have kids you see how important normal expression of anger is. I dont want to say its ok to go around smashing things, but I dont see that as the essence of you. I called my self a monster for a while. I am not and nor are you. Read up a bit more on anger. Your territory and boundaries are changing and things are a bit outside of your control.

No its not helpful to be like that around old ladies, but they care about you, so I hope will forgive you. Maybe your skills will see you creating more places of refuge for you in the long run, so you wont feel so invaded. That cabin in the woods somewhere may become a reality ... there are ways.

yes, maybe you are right @Appleblossom, i just need to find a non destructive way of releasing my emotion.

i have always struggled with anger and frustration. i wish i was like everyone else and had a life, from the age of 5 i have been to scared to leave my parents side, even now i can't bring myself to spend 1 night away from mum, it is so frustrating, i have wasted my entire life through fear, i wish i was not here anymore, i wish i never existed.