catching up

Karen, i live my life in a daze, nothing really registers, Karen i am not strong, i am just to weak to let go. this has never been my house, it is mums, so i live by her rules. i am just here to care for her, nothing else. i don't know how i go on, i wish i did not have to.

sorry my angel, my mood is slipping, if i get to dark for you, let me know and i will stop posting.

hugs my angel, you are the only light in my life.

Yes my angel, that would be nice, please come closer, and hug me, i could really use one right now.

Yes i know the burden well of others suffering, mum has suffered greatly for my MI, i feel guilty every day for what i have done to her.

Karen, we have all made mistakes in the past, i have made really big ones myself, ones i am still paying for, Karen, please never be ashamed of who you are, bad things have been done to you as well, things that have made you into the person you are, thing that where out of your control, you are not an awful person, you are a lost soul, trying to find your way after being abuse and violated so horendusly, Karen, i wish i could show you all the good in your life.

Maybe try to allow things to take their course Karen, i will be with you holding your hand every step of the way. i know you are doing the same for me.

I realyl don't know Karen, i have never hugged a person before, my parents did not hug me and because of my anxiety i can't touch others. you are so lucky to have to girls to hug all the time, it is those small things that mean the most. some sort of affection.

I have damaged the relationship between mum and her sister last christmas, when i was on that holliday, i did so much damage to the both of them, i suppose this is how to repay them both for my actions. who knows maybe i will not be needed anymore, i never want mum to have to choose, it is her family and i ncever want to come btween her and her family.

hugs to you too my friend, we are both fragile tonight, what is the temp their tonight? it is really hot and stuffy here tonight. 31 degrees. i wish it would rain.

Jacques

Karen, have you heard of a band called deep forest? their music is based on tribes around the world, very relaxing music. i have bee nlistening to it today.

I know, you are right my angel, you are a mum so you know.

Karen, can you see all the good qualities you have.

You love the girls unconditionally.

You make sure they are well fed.

you make sure they are well dressed.

you make sure they have plenty of toys.

You show them you love them every day.

you protect them.

you nurture them.

you educate them.

you help them find their moral compass.

Karen, you are their mum, no one will ove them and care for them like you do. you are lucky to have them in your life and they are lucky to have you in theirs. you are a wonderful mum Karen, you are just going through a tough time at the moment. get the help you need, get better and make a new life for you and the girls.

hugs my sweet princess. thank you for being you, you are a wonderful friend and a great support.