catching up

hi my angel,

I know how scared you are, I know it really upset you the police getting involved, but if they had not have been involved you would not have been here, I would have lost my best friend, could you go to the ER yourself? that way no police would be involved?

Karen, i know he power of anxiety and depression, i am trying so hard to fight it right now, I know they are only thoughts and I know they will pass, so I am distracting anyway I can. Karen, if it comes down to your safety, i would rather the police, hospital or anyone be involved than you not being here, you a worthy of being here, you have the right to be here, you have a bright future ahead, and you have many friends who care deeply for you. you are my princess Karen, you are so special to me, I don't know how to describe it, it is like being as close to someone without being married, if that makes any sense? you are like my mother and big sister all rolled into one.

I really look up to you and respect you enormously, your caring nature, you kind heart, you deserve so much more from life, and you can have it if you can fight your way through the dark times.

Karen it can never rain forever, the sun will shine sometime.

Hugs my angel, i am home now, I will be here for whatever you need me for.

Jacques

Karen, my sweet angel, put your arms around me and squeeze tight, i promise it will pass, you just need to stay strong, please Karen, i beg of you go to the ER or at least go to your doctor tomorrow morning, can you at least do that?

my angel, i am really trying, all I can offer Is to break you night down into hours and do whatever you can to distract, maybe even get the girls to sleep with you so you can cuddle them all night.

I know my angel,

I know how much you atruggle and how much you fight to stay safe, i know the feeling of wanting to let go, i was their late last night, but you must fight my angel, i know i have to fight too.

just squeeze me tighter if it brings you comfort, curl up in my arms, and let me comfort you.

my angel, how is your breathing, what are you doing to distract?

please promise me you will go to the doctor tomorrow

hugs

Jacques

My angel, thank you for being honest, i understand how scared you are, i know how frightened you are fo going into the MHU, if you are not willing to ask for help you must do all you can to stay safe, can you at least promise me that?

angel, if you can't distract, just talk to me, i will talk until you can go to sleep. ok my angel 🙂

I wish i could tell you about my day, but i slept most of it away, i was so depressed this morning, i just felt horrible.

well this afternoon iwhen mum and i where having dinner in town, we sat at our usual park, the cockatoos and the mag pies where fighting over a twig, yes that is right a twig, my goodness you would think that 1 twig was a gold necklace the way they where chasing each other to get it, i was mesmerised by it, i love animals so much and dislike humans so much. i don't know why.

Last night was so distressing to me, i can't handle conversations with people anymore, my thought process does not match the way people think anymore, i feel like a freak, like someone looking into an alien world, or maybe i am the alien.

anyway, sorry for the rant.

Jacques

Well my angel, i start by removing anything i can use to harm myself, then i do anything i can to distract, music, movies, youtube, reading, mandala, pacing, ringing my hands, try to rationalise my thoughts, think of my friends, you @Former-Member, @PeppiPatty, @Appleblossom, @Mazarita & others, and focus on why i am still alive, to care for mum in her old age, my life means nothing to me, but my aim is to make sure mum has a good life, if that means i have to fight i do it.

you play a great part in keeping me safe too Karen, you are one of the reasons i get up every morning, believe it or not, from the moment i wake till the second i go to sleep my thoughts are of you, i imagine you holding my hand beside my bed when i can't sleep or am having a pnaic attack in the middle of the night, when i am scared i think of you rubbing my back and shoulder. when i am feeling ok i think of you celebrating my good days.

that is how i make it through each day Karen, that is what keeps me safe. 🙂

please try Karen, i would be so devistated to lose you, the world would be that much more horrible for me if you where not here.