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Daughter won't seek help for mental illness.

HummingbirdContributor23 Nov 2015, 10:50 pm AEDT

Daughter won't seek help for mental illness.

Hi, I'm new to this forum and I'm desperate for some insight on how others might handle my current situation... I have my 30 yr old daughter and 1 year old child living with me and my partner of 17 years. She is a former drug addict and came to live with me 4 years ago while still addicted to ice after a few hospitalisations as result of psychosis. Her partner told her to leave.

I paid off all her debts and set out to get her clean and back to a normal life. She got pregnant during a short term relationship, and ceased using during this time.
Her mental health is greatly affected as a result of drug use and I'm sure from all my research that she has symptoms of schizophrenia. She has a very aggressive nature and if challenged will scream and threaten. The worst she has actually done in the last 6 months, is put her foot through my wall and grabbed her biological dads throat. So basically no one will challenge her behaviour for fear of displays of aggression in the presence of her child.

I come home from work to a messy house, clean it , prepare and feed my granddaughter and my daughter to ensure they have some nutritious food at least once a day. She eats and leaves her dirty plate on the sink. I play with my granddaughter for at least 1-3 hours a night to give her a break and the baby some stimulation, then lock myself in my room around 8-9 pm exhausted.

We don't really speak as I have found it is better not to speak as nearly everything I say has a smart remark following.she is a heavy smoker and goes in and out the front door at least 20-30 times a day, starting many days at 6am and ending around 10 pm. My bedroom is next to the front door. I am mentally and emotionally exhausted.. There have been occasions where I should have called the police or mental health, however I'm so worried as her screaming and threats can be quite verbally violent and I am certain they will seperate her from her child.

I have never witnessed aggression towards her child however she will scream accusations with the baby in her arms. Hence why we do not challenge her deluded thoughts and increase her aggression. She constantly talks to herself as if she is talking to someone, including body gestures. She can be quite calm and act somewhat normal when in the company of others eg: shopping.

She accuses people of events that have not occurred. I used to ask what she was talking about, but don't anymore as it normally ends in argument. She takes the baby in and out all day driving to the shop or wherever at all hours. I went out a few weeks ago and returned at 1 am and she was not home.
She said she went for a drive... Baby was with her... It is currently 9 pm and she is driving around with the baby as I write..

My partner has been working away for months but is due to return at xmas time and I'm so worried as she hates him and I know he will not put up with her aggression towards me or himself. ( she got on very well with him prior to her drug addiction.)
She has no friends at all as her nasty texts and accusations have driven them all away, other family members avoid her as all efforts to help her have been exhausted.

I know my relationship with her is not helping as I don't feel at all close to her which is adding to her social isolation. As it is so stressful at home I will not go out with her as it is the only me time I get. We did have a normal mother daughter relationship prior to her living with us.
I am sad for her but whenever I try to talk to her it ends badly. She refuses to get any help as she believes she is fine and that I am COOKED for suggesting it.

I could go on for hours with stories that have taken place over the previous years, but my whole intention is to gather thoughts of others who may have experienced similar situations and ultimately to steer her in the direction of help without involuntary interventions.

She has applied for housing trust, but that could take years. I am 55 and I don't think my mental health can endure her behaviour for much longer. I think if she had something to do and or people her own age to interact with, it may help her and encourage her to get some medical help.

I do apologise for the novel but wanted to give a good insight to my current situation.

Any suggestions are appreciated.

33 replies

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In response to: Daughter won't seek help for mental illness.

HummingbirdContributor12 Dec 2015, 11:37 pm AEDT

Re: Daughter won't seek help for mental illness.

Hi Leigh,

Im sorry to hear that you too are having to endure such a stressful situation at an age where you should be enjoying a peaceful life.

He may well be on Ice at present but it may also be the after effects that some people have after using for long periods as my daughter has.

As as small child she was a naughty child that threw tantrums when she didn't get her own way, but nothing that would be classified unordinary. As a teenager she was very defiant and was always in some sort of trouble and never accepted blame for anything, but again I thought it was just a passing phase. At 18 she left home to move in with her boyfriend and was good for about 6 years. She was now 24 yrs old. I thought life was finally settling down to normality.

Then I got the call....I went to her home and she was in a state of psychosis. I had her sectioned, but it was the most heart wrenching experience, I foolishly convinced the psychiatrists to release her into my care. Things have gone downhill since then... She is clean now but still suffers very similar traits to drug use. The only difference is that she now sleeps through the night, eats regular meals, and the delusions of grandure have ceased to some degree.

She is much more volatile now that she is clean, she still has severe paranoia, is very manipulative, lies, accuses and always shifts the blame to someone else, usually me! any suggestion of mental health intervention creates a situation of unknown outcome, I have at times hidden all knives and scissors in my home and lock my bedroom door at night. I doubt very much that she would use them, however there is always an element of doubt as to how far she will go.

After an altercation with police when high, she avoided a jail term and was ordered to attend sessions with a psych who diagnosed her with a form of scitzophrenia exacerbated by drug use. Mental health professionals have advised me that she probably has always had an underlying mental health issue which surfaced with long term drug use. When I think back over the last 30 years raising my daughter, I now do believe that the Mental HPs were right.

I am sorry it is having a negative impact on your marriage, this is a time you should have someone close to lean on, especially your husband. It also makes it so much harder when there is a child involved.

The only advise to anyone in a similar situation, would be to make a room in your home a safe and private place to allow you to retreat when things are too stressful. Sounds crazy I know, but I have a lock on my bedroom door and when I'm beside myself I retreat to my room, put my headphones on, and play some silly games on my iPad. It refocuses my thoughts to a different challenge... It works for me..

I know exactly how you feel. I'm in the same carriage as you and many others on the train to god knows where..

LTS mentioned escape to the North Pole... I'm in, and your welcome to join us.

Stay safe.

In response to: Daughter won't seek help for mental illness.

HummingbirdContributor12 Dec 2015, 11:48 pm AEDT

Re: Daughter won't seek help for mental illness.

God...What I wouldn't do for just one day of complete silence..
But your right, silence harbours fear. Speaking out and sharing the load gives us more strength to take back some* control of our own sanity..

In response to: Daughter won't seek help for mental illness.

HummingbirdContributor13 Dec 2015, 8:59 am AEDT

Re: Daughter won't seek help for mental illness.

Hi BeHappy,
Sorry I thought I had answered your post but must have forgot to press post!
No my daughter is not still using, other family members think she is but I have lived through the effects of her when on ice. She now sleeps through the night, eats regular meals, has normal energy levels, and the delusions of grandure have ceased somewhat.. Although she still has similar traits of using, I don't believe she is.
Walking on eggshells is an understatement, and I know things will not get better if I continue to allow her behaviour to rule our home. I have contacted the Mental Health team and they have provided me with an emergency number that I will use next time things get out of control.
Boundaries I have set, however she is beyond boundaries.. If she wants something, no boundaries will stop her from fulfilling her wants...not needs...as most of her demands are not a necessity. If she decides she wants something...she wants it now, right now and without compromise.
Kicking her out, I have thought of many times, as I know I'm am providing her with total lack of incentive to take control over her own life, pay her own bills, cook for herself and baby, clean her own mess, but I cannot bring myself to put the baby in a situation where her basic needs are compromised. I'm sure I would have found her alternative living arrangements if there was not a baby involved...
I do feel threatened by her behaviour at times and although I know it is not ok, my instant thoughts goes to the baby so I stand silent and walk away so as not to prolong or provoke her behaviour.

This forum is extremely helpful, knowing others are in similar or the same situation as my own has pushed me to make that dreaded call to Mental Health.. One thing I knew for months that I had to do.. I still haven't given them the nod to engage with her as yet but as mentioned before, I will if things become out of control.. Something I predict will occur over xmas, when the attention is focussed on others and not just her.... (The previous 3 Xmas days have been a nightmare)

My writings make her sound as though she is the devils sporn. She does have some good qualities, and that's the thread I hang onto when making my decisions on handling the ever present turmoil in my home.

In response to: Daughter won't seek help for mental illness.

HummingbirdContributor13 Dec 2015, 10:01 pm AEDT

Re: : Re: Daughter won't seek help for mental illness.

Definitely not only you. Is funny you should mention personality disorder as I had always likened my daughters behaviour to schizophrenia. however I was reading a site just the other night on personality disorder and yes she too fits the criteria.

Narcissistic she is, at any event whether it be a birthday,Easter or Xmas celebration she has managed to destroy the day with her nasty remarks or tantrums..last year was a nightmare. It was almost as if she had premeditated a plan to destroy the day and once everyone was upset, she was content, and proceeded to act as if nothing had happened.

I have prempted a scene on Xmas day this year, so I will not be having Xmas dinner at home. My other daughter is preparing lunch at her house so if the behaviour starts and depending on the severity, I will either send her home, or call the Mental Health Team.

Dont be silent, I know how much it affects you when you hold everything in, for years I was too embarrassed or scared to speak the truth about my situation,always making febel excuses why I couldn't attend an event or couldn't hold an event in my home, holding on to the hope that it will go away before anyone would find out... But now I share with whoever will listen.

I'm not out for sympathy ( well maybe just a little " poor me") I just found that sharing and gathering others thoughts helps to release that knot in my belly and gives a little courage to stand up to the abusive behaviour, and take back a bit of control of my life...not much but a little...

Stand tall, let them judge you and not believe you, really, at the end of the day, who cares what others think. I know that some must think I make some things up or over exaggerate, but unless they have lived a life like ours, I understand how it may seem unrealistic to those who have a "Normal life"

I wholeheartedly agree that if you lose friends over the truth, then tuff.. They clearly were not true friends to begin with..

Does your daughter live with you? Maybe both yours and mine could share a house, at least THEY will understand each other's behaviour!

Keep your polar boots handy, I can borrow my partners!

In response to: Daughter won't seek help for mental illness.

LeighSenior Contributor20 Dec 2015, 10:50 am AEDT

Re: Daughter won't seek help for mental illness.

Another horror weekend. My son has been suicidal for weeks and could hardly get out of the chair. My husband and I have been trying to get him to accept help but he has refused and his behaviour escalated this week.Every day he was accusing us of not supporting him and telling us he was unwell.
Finally we contacted the CAT team, They tried several times to contact him but he would not answer their calls.
He was furious we had made contact and verbally threatening. We left the house, we had planned previously to stay in Melbourne for the night and shop.
All night we received threatening calls and texts. after a while we did not respond.They started again yesterday morning and when we arrived home he was waiting. I attempted to go straight to our bedroom and put a wedge under the door but he came in and started on at me for money. He worked a year ago for a few weeks and took some of the money and the rest gave to us for his bills for his house.He said if we did not give him money we would never see our granddaughter again.She was supposed to come for Christmas this year. While he did not hit me I was frightened as his emotional and verbal abuse was intense. In the end my husband went to the ATM and took money out to get rid of him.He took my car which he had borrowed a few days earlier but I had asked for it back.
When he had left we found he had smashed a small table,taken all the photos of himself and his daughter and left his dog with us saying he did not want her any more. I know we should not have caved in to his demands but there was no way to call police and the CAT team were not available after hours in our region.I feel sick with anxiety today and shaky. Will contact the CAT tomorrow for advice but if her refuses to cooperate they can't do much.