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Daughter won't seek help for mental illness.

HummingbirdContributor23 Nov 2015, 10:50 pm AEDT

Daughter won't seek help for mental illness.

Hi, I'm new to this forum and I'm desperate for some insight on how others might handle my current situation... I have my 30 yr old daughter and 1 year old child living with me and my partner of 17 years. She is a former drug addict and came to live with me 4 years ago while still addicted to ice after a few hospitalisations as result of psychosis. Her partner told her to leave.

I paid off all her debts and set out to get her clean and back to a normal life. She got pregnant during a short term relationship, and ceased using during this time.
Her mental health is greatly affected as a result of drug use and I'm sure from all my research that she has symptoms of schizophrenia. She has a very aggressive nature and if challenged will scream and threaten. The worst she has actually done in the last 6 months, is put her foot through my wall and grabbed her biological dads throat. So basically no one will challenge her behaviour for fear of displays of aggression in the presence of her child.

I come home from work to a messy house, clean it , prepare and feed my granddaughter and my daughter to ensure they have some nutritious food at least once a day. She eats and leaves her dirty plate on the sink. I play with my granddaughter for at least 1-3 hours a night to give her a break and the baby some stimulation, then lock myself in my room around 8-9 pm exhausted.

We don't really speak as I have found it is better not to speak as nearly everything I say has a smart remark following.she is a heavy smoker and goes in and out the front door at least 20-30 times a day, starting many days at 6am and ending around 10 pm. My bedroom is next to the front door. I am mentally and emotionally exhausted.. There have been occasions where I should have called the police or mental health, however I'm so worried as her screaming and threats can be quite verbally violent and I am certain they will seperate her from her child.

I have never witnessed aggression towards her child however she will scream accusations with the baby in her arms. Hence why we do not challenge her deluded thoughts and increase her aggression. She constantly talks to herself as if she is talking to someone, including body gestures. She can be quite calm and act somewhat normal when in the company of others eg: shopping.

She accuses people of events that have not occurred. I used to ask what she was talking about, but don't anymore as it normally ends in argument. She takes the baby in and out all day driving to the shop or wherever at all hours. I went out a few weeks ago and returned at 1 am and she was not home.
She said she went for a drive... Baby was with her... It is currently 9 pm and she is driving around with the baby as I write..

My partner has been working away for months but is due to return at xmas time and I'm so worried as she hates him and I know he will not put up with her aggression towards me or himself. ( she got on very well with him prior to her drug addiction.)
She has no friends at all as her nasty texts and accusations have driven them all away, other family members avoid her as all efforts to help her have been exhausted.

I know my relationship with her is not helping as I don't feel at all close to her which is adding to her social isolation. As it is so stressful at home I will not go out with her as it is the only me time I get. We did have a normal mother daughter relationship prior to her living with us.
I am sad for her but whenever I try to talk to her it ends badly. She refuses to get any help as she believes she is fine and that I am COOKED for suggesting it.

I could go on for hours with stories that have taken place over the previous years, but my whole intention is to gather thoughts of others who may have experienced similar situations and ultimately to steer her in the direction of help without involuntary interventions.

She has applied for housing trust, but that could take years. I am 55 and I don't think my mental health can endure her behaviour for much longer. I think if she had something to do and or people her own age to interact with, it may help her and encourage her to get some medical help.

I do apologise for the novel but wanted to give a good insight to my current situation.

Any suggestions are appreciated.

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In response to: Daughter won't seek help for mental illness.

NorthPoleCasual Contributor29 Aug 2018, 3:11 am AEST

Re: Daughter won't seek help for mental illness.

Thank you all for sharing your stories. I've discovered it is very necessary to know you are not alone. Especially love the north pole references, which is why I chose it for my user name 🙂

Everyone seems to be in the same position. I see many similarities - mentally ill adult child returns home with child/ren and are financially dependant, violent and demanding, messy, irresponsible, passes blame, and most have a drug abuse history. And, it seems, all of them deny mental health problems and refuse therapy and/or meds. Most carers have sympathy for grandchildren and allow them to return home.

My 30 year old daughter returned to our home 2 years ago with two children. We said yes on the condition that she seeks out therapy and treatment when it is needed. She will pacify us and go once or twice, but make excuses to not repeat. I can't force her - she's an adult. We will again demand she get therapy, or she must find other living arrangements. She goes to therapy, but only once or twice. She says she doesn't like therapy because it doesn't help and she's wasting her time. We thought maybe she's not discussing the 'real' problem. So recently, her stepdad and I said we should attend a session with her to 'improve our horrible communication skills'. Once with the pshychologist, her stepdad and I rattled off each and every problem we've encountered with her over the past two years. Too dependent, lacks parenting skills, sleeps too much, argumentative, will not 'own' problems, very messy, disorganized, accuses us of poisoning her and stealing her things (she came to our house with clothes, toys and a baby bed), she hears voices and talks about a man that has been with her since she was little, says we are preventing her from working by telling every business owner in town her story. Ugh! We have tried the loving and supportive approach, she didn't believe we wanted success for her. We tried the controlling approach, she just did what she wanted. We tried the Silent but Present approach. We clean up after her, watch her kids while she naps (often), never demand anything from her and do everything for her. This is a temporary fix. I get that. This does not make her healthy, and it actually makes it worse in the end, but I cannot live in the environment she creates when we insist she handle her responsibilities. We have tried to let her raise her kids her way, but it is hard to be silent. The most positive thing I can say for her is she is home when she is not working her part time job. She has no social life. She will not make friends because she thinks they are out to get her; she is afraid of people in a way. She also has no empathy -- EXCEPT for drug addicts. Her 9 yo daughter is beginning to have social problems, and this is due to her. I am also grateful she is not violent - yet! However, she was with her ex, which resulted in her living with us.

This daughter is the oldest of my 5 children. I have been parenting for 30 years. The youngest is still home, but will go to college in a year. As much as I enjoyed it, I am ready for the next phase of life. I was soooo looking forward to having an empty nest, less kid stress, downsizing, having my husband to myself, traveling, grandkid visits, a clean organized house. I resent my daughter for taking this away from me. I resent her for not trying to improve her mental health. I resent her for not taking care of my house that I meticulously took care of for so long. I resent her for having to dip into our nestegg to pay for her car, insurance, repairs, kids activities, daycare, etc etc etc. I love her and it hurts to see her like this, but it is very hard to share space with her.

My questions to other carers:

1) Why do they refuse mental health care? Do they truly not see the psych problems? (My daughter tells me I need a shrink, I'm the one with the problems).

2) When establishing boundaries, which ones truly work?

In response to: Daughter won't seek help for mental illness.

VictorbreCasual Contributor21 Oct 2018, 10:44 pm AEDT

Re: Daughter won't seek help for mental illness.

Just want you to know that you are not alone! My son is 40 and I can identify with everything you said .., I am 60 and wish I didn’t have to deal w these things during this phase of my life as well. God bless you w strength, wisdom and endurance! I have no answers ... all I can do is trust in God to show me/you the way!

In response to: Daughter won't seek help for mental illness.

JanieeSenior Contributor12 Nov 2018, 9:34 am AEDT

Re: Daughter won't seek help for mental illness.

Hi @Hummingbird, I'm feeling your pain. My 20 year old doesn't live with me, and won't tell me where she is. She rings or texts everyday but 9 times out of 10 it is abusive or degenerates into abusive quickly. She got on fine with my husband until he heard how she was speaking at me and he said something, now she won't talk to him. I can't get her back to see a dr, she thinks nothing works.

I wish I had some advice for you, but all I have at the moment is that you aren't alone in your struggles. Sometimes its reassuring to know its not just you going through this. And you aren't the worlds worse Mother (which I used to feel daily).

Boundries are hard, especially when you've been just trying to keep the peace (me too). Sending you positive thoughts xx

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