My special place

Hey sweetheart. I am okay. How are you? ...probably a stupid question @Snowie Here with you though Hon.

Hope you haven't overdone it today @Zoe7 and been able to have some me time.

I am struggling a bit tonight. H cracked it at me last night. He has been out all day today and now on the drinks.

I know it was my fault that he cracked it, but I find it so hard to open up to him.

It doesn't help you open up to him when he cracks it either @Snowie - so it is a catch-22 ...so hard Wouldn't it be nice if you could be out all day and then do something for yourself tonight too. Feeling for you Hon Can you do something nice for yourself tonight?

I haven't done a lot today - painted the ceiling but had a couple more spots that bubbled so have had to scrpe it back and plaster it - hopin that stops the paint underneath reacting with the new paint. I'll sand back the spot by hand tonight then paint over it so I can do another coat tomorrow morning. This is becoming a much bigger and longer job than I anticipated but getting cloer to the finish line now.

I know he needs the me time @Zoe7 I would too after having to deal with me. Just wish I could take a time out from myself.

Seems to me you have done a lot today hon. They always seem to start of little jobs and somehow always get bigger!

I don't see it like that @Snowie You both need me time and it needs to be equally divided. If he has been out all day then he could give you some time for yourself tonight ....unless that would not be good for you. Have you done anything for yourself today Hon or has it all been family related. I was going to make a cake but haven't gotten around to it - might be a late night bake here

I haven't done much at all today. Did some washing and had a shower. That was an accomplishment in itself!!

The kids pretty much look after themselves so I have had some me time today. I would rather be alone anyway, least I don't have to pretend...

What kind of cake @Zoe7 ?

I hear you about being alone @Snowie I have found it interesting listening to people's accounts of what it is like being in isolation - not being able to access the things they once could. We as a society rely so much on external factors to sustain us both physically and mentally - and having to rely more on just ourselves is a foreign concept to so many. Validation comes from others but it is truly ourselves that we have to live with. acknowledge and like. You and I know how hard this is personally and I very much hear you about not having to pretend.

I want to make a chocolate cake. My intention was to take some to my parents but I have to put off that visit until the loungeroom is done. They like my chocolate cake and we didn't have Easter together so thought this would be a mini Easter treat.

I don't mind staying at home @Zoe7 , would rather that then going out. However, I think not seeing my supports is having a negative effect on me. I can feel that downward slide happening and feel powerless to stop it. Yes talking to them on the phone helps a little but it does not compare with that face to face contact.

Chocolate cake sounds yummy hon 😊

We made some banana bread the other day and D made some cookies. Both have been devoured!

I can't eat banana in anything @Snowie Hate the taste and it makes me feel sick ...but I can eat bananas on their own - go figure! I also thought about making some Anzac biscuits but I would eat them before I got to my parents'

I get what you mean with your supports - I cancelled my last pdoc appoinment for the same reason - not the same as in person ...having that physical connection and face-to-face interaction. I am not sure what I will do with the next one but that is a few weeks away so I will see closer to the time. It also depends on how things at work are going.

I know that sense of heading for the downward spiral - it brings on a whole new set of anxiety and stress. Can we do anything here to help you Hon?

I cheated and brought some Anzac Biscuits @Zoe7 😁

It does depend on how things are going. I find that in person contact needed. I also find talking on the phone harder then in real life.

I don't think anyone can help hon, I think I need to try and help myself. I can feel that dark cloud lingering and starting to consume me. I know you know what that feels like. It certainly does increase your anxiety and make that onset of depression more real. The thoughts are a loud whisper at the moment. It is trying to rear its head and I am trying to calm the storm.

I talk to my psychologist on Monday so will see what she suggests I can do.