My special place

what a lovely photo @Snowie

Wonderful photo @Snowie Looks so calm and peaceful. I could guess where it is but probably best not to here hey. Very, very happy to have you home and back here with us

I so sincerely thank you for your kindness, empathy & understanding.

Tonight I am again raining on my keyboard. I continue to see him on his shelf, with his head hanging down. Unforgivably he was in pain. I cannot clean the shelf. I cannot place anything on it.

The 16 days he survived, whilst I fought to keep him alive is so raw. He needed to be warm, some days he would eat a little egg & cheese, others when he rallied it would be chicken, salmon or sardines. At times he would turn up for meals so much as usual.

Hope is an incredible experience as is hopelessness. I watched my beautiful boy die fluctuating between both.

He was born in a shed at my home unbeknowst to me. His mother was feral & had lived hard. She arrived 16 years ago heavily pregnant. She would not tolerate any interaction, she was so young, I gave her food every morning & evening. Eventually, she had clearly birthed her babies, she was named Hissy.

Ongoing food for Hissy, she was so hungy.

And then, as I hung out the washing, Hissy paraded her 4 children before me. The image is mine forever, a mother & children all in line.

My beautiful cat was the last in the line: ginger & white with the blue eyes of a 4 week old. I commenced the introduction to people. A little one, sharp claws & teeth, held & supported. Loved as we moved forward, snuggled to sleep in my clothes. I will always know how important he was.

He was named poorly as he was not going to stay, however he did, I need to be heartenend by this.

My cat was extraordinary throughout his time with me. Described as special: so often observed to be seeing beyond our human capacity, a purr that sounded like a chirrup, a sound I will never hear again.

He was buried on the same day, wrapped in a beautiful shroud, a flowering plant & statue to mark his grave.

I so struggle with this, I cannot cope with his grave, and yet I water his plant knowing what lies beneath.

I know I tried

I am just so sad - how hard it is to know that I could have given him better.

The loss of anyone or anything in our lives can cause us so much pain @Bast and that special relationship we have with our fur babies is exactly the same. They provide us with unconditional love, happiness and hope - just because they are there. We think they will be with us forever whilst knowing also they won't be - it is so very hard to say goodbye to them - to all the joy they have brought us and all the special moments we have shared with them. Your grief for your little boy is natural and I would not expect any less from what you have described your relationship with this little bundle of joy was. It is little consolation but he is at peace now - no longer suffering. That does not however fill the massive void his death has left in your life, nor the heartache you feel with not having him around. Grief takes it's own form and everyone works through that in different ways and in their own time. Right now it is very raw and everything around you reminds you of him - and you don't have to place anything on the shelf or clean it at all - if that is a reminder of him for you then let it get dirty and be vacant. We cope how we can with what we have. I still have reminders everywhere of my baby that I lost 11 years ago - so time has lessened the grief but not the memories - hold onto those Bast and knwo within yourself how much you loved your little boy and how much he loved you back ....that you will hold forever.

Hi Zoe7 my sincere thanks for your understanding, so few people do.

I am also saddened for you & your loss

The shelf that was his will be OK just as it is - maybe, all I know is I can't touch it, although I tried.

I worry that I am not allowing him to go where he needs to be.I spoke to him about Cat Nirvana throughout the 16 days.I understand that I am grieving, the loss is just too hard.

I think about what the bushfires has done to all of the animals: domestic & wildlife, I cannot cope with cruelty ever.

Cat Nirvana is such a wonderful place. It has 2 storey houses with multiple nooks, crannies & fun boxes to play in. It has so many special cat beds to choose from, multiple friends are there & his brother. There are wonderful pasturelands to play in, an entire array of cat joys, although they are not actually real. Mice, bugs & butterflies to chase & capture.

I am certain that he understood, when we talked about it. I just cannot envisage him there, there is so much pain in trying to hold on & knowing he is rotting in his grave.

I don't know how to reconcile this, maybe tonight is the right time to allow the pain. Hence, I continue to write, this helps, although the need to run is so strong. Run & keep on running until things finish.

I am ashamed this is about my beautiful cat & now it is becoming about me. So lost as a result, soggy keyboard again & so needing support.

The reality @Bast is that those left behind are the ones that suffer when we lose someone or something precious to us. ...and it is about you becuse you are the one grieving - so do not feel selfish about it being about you because you are hurting.

Like you I cannot let my mind go to all those millions of animals in the bushfires that have lost their lives - the devastation of that is unthinkable - so I choose to bury my head in the sand and block it out - sometimes we need to protect ourselves in whatever way we can.

I love the idea of cat nirvana - I would like to think my baby went to such a place where she could be free to wander, play and sleep where she wanted. Lke you I could not bear any reminders of my little girl but dragged myself to the local cat centre a couple of weeks after I lost her ...and surprisingly to me as much as everyone else ...I came home with a kitten - who I still have today. I did not expect nor plan for that but she followed me around everywhere and purred as soon as I picked her up - so much like your little boy it was meant to be. She in no way replaced my other cat but did fill that space a little. I am certainly not suggesting you do the same but more highlightimg that in time there will be things that can fill that hole in your heart just a little. Right now though it is incredibly hard but you are allowed to grieve and miss your baby

Zoe7 - Thank you, your understanding has helped so much. Acknowledging the intensity of the grief I feel for such a special furr baby matters. I again am saddened for your loss, however appreciative that you were able to rescue another.

Tonight it has been so lovely to communicate with you & rain upon my keyboard, perhaps cat nirvana will welcome me also. Thank you

It was no trouble at all to be here with you @Bast I completely understand that special relationship we have with our fur babies and therefore how very hard it is to lose one.The pain will ease with time but right now you are grieving your loss - and that is more than okay. Do what you need to do to get through this - and if I can help in any way then happy to be here for you. Much love and some tender hugs coming your way