My special place

So took mum up the street this morning. It was super busy of course. Weekend and not long to go before Christmas. Normally the time I avoid. But it HAD to be this morning. Couldn't wait until tomorrow when it would be quieter.

So of course bumped into someone I used to work with. Well 10 mins later, after hearing all about her perfect life, I could escape. She got this, went there, did this, blah, blah, blah

Surviving on about 3 hours sleep last night. My nightmares seem to be becoming more frequent. I know why, I just can't seem to stop them. Tried to do what my psych suggested, but just failed.

Spent this afternoon hiding in bed. Said I had a headache so I had an excuse. Is just my safe space. Been trying to read to keep my mind occupied.

MIL home from hospital with a list of instructions. Hopefully this is the last of it, but doubt it very much. Not that I wanted her to stay in, but they seem to discharge them even before everything is ok.

Good afternoon, @Snowie!

Is your support button working at the moment? 🤔

I think ackowledging the ever-changing nature of your strategies and state shows a real awareness of self.

What do you think you might need to utilise coping-wise at the moment?

I hear you, that still must be so tough...

And re: your tattoos - what one do you love the most and why? 🤩

I understand that, sometimes it's really vulnerable to get close to others... what makes it uncomfortable for you, do you think?

I am so glad you have H. 🥰

Hi @AuntGlow

Yes my support button is working at the moment.

What do you think you might need to utilise coping-wise at the moment?

This period coming up is an extremely hard time. I have quite a few 'trauma anniversaries' coming up. I get triggered quite easily. I have a number of cards with 'statements' on them. I carry them around plus have photos of them. They say things like 'I am not a child anymore', 'I am in control', 'I have the power', etc. They help in keeping me grounded and sometimes help not dissociating. My psych and I made them together to help.

Whilst it doesn't take away the pain or the flashbacks, it does help.

I also use my safety plan quite a bit too.

Ohh which tattoo do I love the most. Thats a really hard question.

I have one that honours my Dad (he died 10 years ago) or a matching one with D or even one from the day H and I were married. I think it's too hard to pick just one.

I think I don't let others too close in the chance that I will get hurt or rejected. I know it's probably more to do with me and my insecurities. I 'run' before they can judge me.

I know I am very lucky to have H. Even through all of this he is my rock. I don't take him for granted, I tell myself everyday how lucky I am to have him.

Sorry for the long response! Do you celebrate Christmas?

Another day of sh*t

Mum not good. I don't know how to help her, I don't think I can. So much forgotten, so many things that she's unable to do

MIL at gp. Has to go back tomorrow. If no better than back to hospital.

Non existent brother messaging me. Meant to see mum on weekend but was too tired. Doesn't matter that I deal with her daily. Doesn't matter how tired I am.

Psych on holidays.

Reach out for help they say. Tried that, didn't help

Just want to hide again

Sending lots of love @Snowie and always here for you.

🩵💙🩵

Good afternoon, lovely! @Snowie

How are you feeling today?

Your cards sound really helpful and I am sure they will act as a very grounding anchor for you through this period. I am so sorry to hear you have trauma anniversaries coming up... that would be hard to hold.

Awww you have so many meaningful tattoos! I love that. I only have one, but maybe one day I will have many too (when I have the money and the bravery to commit to something for life hahaha).

I completely get that actually. Have you ever explored delaying how soon you run? To see how it feels? I am just thinking this could be helpful... I can imagine some positive experiences in connection might help to create more safety in the body around closeness. 🥰

He is lucky to have you too.

I do! My mum loves it, bless.

Hi @AuntGlow

Thanks for replying, I do appreciate it

Today has been another day of cleaning/scrubbing/washing. There are some things I have to deal with but I'm not in the right place to do so. Cleaning keeps my mind and hands busy. I guess I can put a positive spin on it, at least I will have a clean house when I have family over for Christmas Day.

The cards are helpful. It helps to remember that it's not happening again.

It's hard with the anniversaries. Although it is a period of extreme pain, at the same time it holds some memorable times, especially watching my children enjoy this time. Watching the joy that it holds for them.

It's strange that I can be happy and sad at the same time.

Tattoos can be expensive. It's funny, I almost faint when getting a needle but can sit there and watch myself getting a tottoo!!

I've never thought about how soon I run from friendships. For me it has always been very early on. It certainly is something that I could explore.

On here however, I find that I can make those connections. Perhaps it has something to do with being more understood on the forum.

We always grew up with Christmas being a big part of us. I guess it's something I've carried on with my family.

Hi @Snowie

lots of love to you

💙💜💙💜💙

Thanks @Eve7

My support button isn't wokring

Of course! @Snowie 💛

It sounds like cleaning really helps to focus and ground you. 🧚

Mmm, feeling sadness and joy is really strange, isn't it? It's probably one of the most human experiences we can have. How does it feel to connect to their joy now?

I have heard that tattoos can stir a bravery towards needles, for sure!! Maybe because the outcome is so exciting?

I think exploring it could be really helpful - when you're ready of course. ☺️ Mutual understanding and that feeling of being truly seen is so important for feeling safe in a friendship. Those people are definitely out there... it just takes some work to build that sense of trust (and that's okay).

Christmas definitely is a special time of the year. It sounds quite nostalgic for you, which is lovely. 🥰