My special place

I need to clean my house anyway @AuntGlow for Christmas Day so I might as well do it to try and distract myself.

This afternoon cleaning hasn't helped. Haven't had the energy to do so.

It takes a lot to get through Chrissy Day. When the kids were younger, it was easy to connect to their joy. Now they are young adults, it feels different. Yes I still want to make happy memories for them, but there are periods too where I wish I wasn't here, didn't have to face it.

Yes the outcome of a tattoo is exciting. I don't feel a lot of pain getting them done. But when I got my ears pierced earlier this year, I had to have H old my hand!!

I don't think I am capable of exploring it at the moment. Perhaps in time I will be.

I wouldn't even know where to begin, where to find those people. What to say to them.

If they knew my past, would they go running in the other direction?

Unfortunately I don't think you can avoid Christmas. It is everywhere.

They say you've been through it before, you can do it again

I'm told that there is a rainbow after every storm. What happens when the storms never pass

The constant set backs of life is so tiring

Being set free from what torments me is all I need, yet it never comes

Different standards

Just putting it out there, don't expect a response

That's okay. What is your body asking for most right now? @Snowie

I understand, and it's really hard to connect to genuine joy from that place... what about H? Does it feel joyful to celebrate in his presence?

Awww!! SO cute that he was there for you. 🥹

Hmm, maybe we can brainstorm? When it feels okay, of course.

In my experience, your people will still love you and embrace you, no matter what you share. 🥰

@AuntGlow my body is asking for comfort yet I can't give it that. All it feels is tension and anxiety.

It's all about pretending. Pretend that everything is ok, pretend like I'm enjoying myself, pretend with a smile on my face.

I doubt people would embrace me when I can't even embrace myself. How can others like me when I don't even like myself.

Sorry, it's all negative

@Snowie Because others don't see us how we see ourselves. Maybe all they see is the mask... but the mask is still you, in a way. I've known you for many moons, and have seen I think the more vulnerable parts of you that you don't always show to the world. Your view of yourself does not change the fact that I see a really incredible person, passionate and caring and kind, who is having a rough time of it, yes. But that doesn't mean you're not deserving of comfort and kindness too 💜

Gentle hugs 🫂 @Snowie 💜

It sounds like your body is really holding on and trying its absolute best to keep you safe, so it makes sense why it would feel really hard to soften into comforting yourself. I wonder if H can provide that space for you right now? @Snowie

This sense of pretending must feel so exhausting for you. 😔

You know, sometimes we don't love all parts of ourselves, but often, people can see more of our nuances than we are able to when we feel vulnerable. And I really do get the sense that people appreciate and love you more than you realise. 💛

Hello @Eve7,

How are you, lovely? 🥰

Thanks @Jynx They do only see my mask. The only person I let in is hubby, and even he doesn't see all of me. We are always harder on ourselves than others, I think it's just who we are.

I've been hurt enough that I don't want to go through it again. I know that that might not be the case, I might not get hurt but it's hard to allow ourselves that chance.

I once did have a really good friend. I think we both ran away from that friendship.

@AuntGlow I just ended up taking my meds and going to sleep last night. Sometimes no good will come from staying up.

I think anyone would agree that 'pretending' is exhausting. I'm sure I am not the only one doing this through the holiday period.

I think the most critical person out there is ourselves. We are harder on us than anyone else.

I can see others, even on here, and see the positives. How caring they are, how loving they are, how accepting they are. Yet to see those qualities in ourselves can be so hard.

I don't know if thats just me or just all humans. Maybe a mixture of both.

This morning I took mum up to the shops. It actually wasn't that busy which was good. She was in a good mood for a change.