@creative_writer yeah invalidation will absolutely do that. It's truly awful to experience, and I am sorry it has had such great impact on you. The way others respond to us when we experience something traumatic can have just as much impact on our recovery as the trauma itself. Even if two people experience the exact same (or highly similar) event, the person who is given care and compassion will have a much easier time than the person who is told to 'get over it'.
"at least you weren’t a child"
Even if you were a child, the same sort of logic applies - your resources, resilience, and the after care provided make a much bigger impact than your age. Something I learned early on in working in mental health is that the phrase 'at least' is like...the opposite of empathy. It's so invalidating, and deeply unfair.
"you should’ve managed it better."
How? With what resources? It's not like they teach us 'how to manage after SA' in high school. It's such a taboo topic too, so we're discouraged from even considering the notion that it happens all the time. Nothing we do could prepare us, and there's no reason that anyone should somehow just 'be okay' with something so horrendous.
"At least you weren’t betrayed by someone who was close to you."
There's that 'at least' again. If it was someone close to you, what's to stop your brain from saying 'at least it wasn't family'. If it was family, your brain might say 'at least they only did it once'. If they did it multiple times, your brain might say 'at least they didn't use excess violence'. It doesn't end. There's always going to be ways it could be worse. That doesn't mean that the trauma you did experience should have been less painful, or that you are somehow weak for having a strong reaction to something that no one should have to endure.
"you should’ve seen it coming, and yet you ignored the warning signs."
I'm so sorry that this kind of awful, victim-blaming mentality has seeped into your psyche. You are not to blame. Even if you had seen some kind of warning signs and done things differently, it's entirely possible that the perpetrator would have found another way to enact the violence. We cannot know. All of us are only ever doing the best we can with the knowledge and experience we've got. Maybe you ignored the warning signs because at the time, they didn't feel like warning signs, just wary signs. I get it, I do - sometimes someone gives us an ick feeling but out of politeness or social pressures, we ignore this feeling. It's also part of the fawn response - knowing as we do that most often, men can easily overpower women. So even though we might be getting ick feelings, we'll suppress them because we know that if we are rude, we might anger them and they'll hurt us. Hun, whatever you did do in this situation, even if it was to do nothing, it was the correct choice because you are still alive.
"maybe you enjoyed it."
We've touched on this a bit already - about physiological responses outside our control. I will also say this - even if you did enjoy it, so f**king what. That doesn't mean it was okay. It doesn't mean that it wasn't a violation. Consent, not enjoyment, is the most important thing here. Again, I think this is leaning into victim-blaming territory, to say that the victim's enjoyment nullifies the horrendous act of the perpetrator. No. If consent was not freely and enthusiastically given, it doesn't matter whether you enjoyed it. What matters is the fact that it still hurt you, is still hurting you, and that this person exerted power over you for their own gain.
I'm glad you and your psych are able to pick up on these patterns and start to untangle from them. As for masking and not wanting to be ND... sounds like internalised stigma. Not your fault either, and could definitely be worth unpacking with your psych. I'd also be happy to chat to you more in depth about it, perhaps another night? Up to you💜
for @Phoenix_Rising as I know how much you don't like love hearts!!!
