My special place

I think I will just be in bed early @Jynx and force myself to sleep

I'm scared of me, I figure I can't do anything if I'm asleep.

I know tomorrow is another day but I don't want to face it.

Have ECT in the morning, thinking is it really worth it. Will the pdoc see through me

@Snowie perhaps 'throwing things off for a while' is enough? At least for now? I've found that throughout my recovery, I've definitely had big dips, engaged in unhealthy behaviours I thought I was long past. If self-care does protect, then even if the cycle isn't fully broken, isn't it still worth doing if the times in between get bigger and the internalised shame is lessened?

And if the pdoc does 'see through you' @Snowie what is bad about that? Genuinely curious, not trying to nitpick or be rude just trying to understand.

Honestly sometimes sleep is the best self-care in the world hey. I'll be here till you drift off if you like. If I could sing you a lullaby I would 😋💜

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@creative_writer wrote:
@Jynx how can one know if there are overreacting? I can’t help but wonder if other people’s emotional pain after them experiencing SA is more valid than mine, because it wasn’t as bad for me. Am I minimising it? Or are these thoughts really accurate? I’m so confused

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How do we define 'overreacting'? Is there a single definition that ought to be universally applied? I bloody hope not. A person experiencing a 'severe' instance of SA might have a much smaller reaction to someone experiencing a 'milder' instance of SA because of all sorts of factors - not the least of which is how well a person is taught/modelled emotional regulation in their early years.

You've already mentioned how your emotions have had to be suppressed since you were little. But suppressed emotions don't just go away, they bottle up and explode. So perhaps your reactivity isn't just you reacting to this one instance of trauma, but is also including many years of unexpressed pain and rage.

I used to absolutely berate myself for my own emotional reactivity. I have gotten a lot of social feedback in the past (comments, reactions, as well as ideas portrayed in the media) that said that crying as hard and as often as I do is a sign of weakness. But my individual circumstances (undiagnosed ADHD, emotional neglect as a child, lack of healthy emotional regulation skills, etc.) mean that me crying the way I do makes perfect sense.

So for yourself, do you think that the experiences you've had might help to contextualise why you're responding this way? Do you think that anyone's SA is more, or less, valid than anyone else's, regardless of the nature of the experience?

Also, curious about the line about 'minimising' it - do you mean minimising the impact of it? Is it a bad thing or a good thing to do so?

It feels like those unhealthy behavious are wining at the moment @Jynx

Yes I know it will pass, yes I understand that those gaps are increasing, yes I acknowledge the difference within myself. I know that everyone has these dips, it doesn't mean I cannot rise above it.

Yet it feels like they have hold of me, that they voice their opinion and there is nothing I can do about it. They want to win, they need to win. It fuels them and makes them believable. My behaviours mean that they have the upper hand.

It feels like two different people are trying to get my attention. Can they really coexist? Does there have to be a winner?

The pdoc at ECT is not my regular pdoc so I am hoping he doesn't ask. I guess I am afraid that if he knows what I am thinking he won't let me go. That he will see what I've done.

Sorry just rambling now.

No sorry needed @Snowie, I asked and you responded. Also you know me, I am constantly rambling! It helps me to better understand what is going on for you.

"They want to win, they need to win" - I mean... these kinds of things are often habits that develop because they help our systems deal with incredibly overwhelming emotional states. It all comes back to survival right? So I'm thinking, of course this part of you needs to win, because it feels that if it doesn't, you could die.

I've spoken a bit about IFS to creative_writer before too, and I reckon it applies here. There's parts of you that have been deeply wounded in the past, and found relief from that pain through these external sources of regulation (I'm guessing we're talking about SH here, pls correct me if I'm wrong). These wounded parts are really just trying to protect you from pain, from a threat - even if that threat is no longer there.

I think that's why the idea of suppressing, eliminating, or 'winning' against these parts probably isn't gonna work - cos they're still part of you, and they're still trying to do a good thing in protecting you, even though their methods are no longer relevant and have in fact become harmful. This is what IFS is all about - nurturing and healing those wounded parts so that they can become more cooperative with our other parts and our overarching 'self'.

Mm I see why you're worried, esp with the bit of convo I caught before re: having agency over whether you will have an admission or not. Perhaps have a think on whether it might help to revisit/revise a safety plan that you could bring along? So if the pdoc asks you about it, you can talk about the plan and what you can do to keep safe, as well as maybe examine for yourself as to what your biggest warning signs are and whether they are becoming more intense atm.

@creative_writer I think that's the point - it doesn't matter if it is bigger or smaller because... how can we possibly quantify that? What is big to person A may be smaller to person B.

Hmm... I can very much relate to the idea of 'other people have it worse'. It was a huge part of my narrative, so much so that it meant I minimised a LOT of my pain and trauma and refused to go to therapy because I thought I shoud just be able to deal with what I was going through. So whilst we obviously have had very different experiences, it is interesting where there's overlap in our patterns of thinking.

I think it is very much a shame response. Perhaps one born of expectations that we or others have placed on ourselves over the years, so much so that they just become part of our internal concept of ourselves, as opposed to some conscious/active choice we make to think of ourselves that way. Even something as simple as being called a 'gifted kid' (like I was) can have an enormous impact -> "I'm supposed to be gifted, smart, successful, but I can't stop crying over the tiniest things, and I keep turning to SH, and the SI won't stop. Other people have been through worse and they still end up successful, so what the frick is wrong with me?"

My hot take? Any emotional reaction, be it big or small, is 'appropriate' if it allows sufficient expression and processing of the event. Anyone who tells you you're overreacting is probably not particularly in tune with their own emotions, and in fact I reckon it's far more likely they're projecting their own repressed emotions onto the situation because if they're not supposed or allowed to be that emotional, no one is. Toxic af aspect of our modern society, I swear. I'm gonna stop myself now or I'll get into a big angry rant 😅

Thanks for taking the time to respond @Jynx with all that info. It really does help and I really appreciate it.

It does come back to survival. I know that it is in my hands, I think that's what makes it scary at times.

I'll be interested to look into IFS, I haven't heard of that before. Yes I am talking about SH. I think the pain and the 'spacing out' stops me from taking that next step. Even though I know it is wrong, at the same time it can 'save' me.

You are right, they are always going to be a part of me. I think it is something I have to accept and learn how to deal with better then I am. Instead of just thinking they are wrong and be ashamed of them, realising that they can help in their own unique way.

I have got my safety plan printed out and next to my bed, which I can take with me.

I also see my regular pdoc tomorrow afternoon so I am hoping that if I tell the pdoc this then he will be some what lenient towards me. I am going to try and let my pdoc know what is happening. I have it written down so if I can't say it at least I might be able to show it.

There are some warning signs I am worried about. They are not all there, but it feels like the beginning of that downward spiral. I just need to stop it. To even let them be and realise that just because something starts doesn't mean it has to end.

You're so welcome @Snowie I'm really glad it helps.

I just wanna say that as I read your post, I really got this sense of just how much wisdom you have. I couldn't put my finger on which part of your post in particular, it was just the overall sense I got. I dunno, I just thought I should share 💜

I think for me the most helpful part of learning IFS was in terms of being more accepting, forgiving, and empathetic towards my various parts, even the parts of me that I had spent so many years hating and criticising, or that had caused me pain and turmoil. Sometimes, we really do just need to treat ourselves like wounded children, and be gentle, warm, and reassuring. I love that you're already able to recognise that these parts, despite the pain and strife they may have caused, can also have their own strengths and benefits. Aha! There, see? Wisdom.

I'm glad you got the lil note to help you express your concerns hun. And yeah the appearance of the warning signs can be scary, but that's the whole point of it being a 'warning' - it's the signal to act. We don't have 'doom' signs or 'inevitable failure' signs, cos what would be the point? And that means you still got plenty of time and opportunity to do things differently. I believe in you my dear, you got this 💪💜