@Snowie- it makes perfect sense sweetie. Nothing wrong with what you wrote.
How do you keep going when you don't want? The way I looked at it previously and now was to remain curious about what is next, what the next change will be. Where will this journey take you too.
I hear your frustrations around medication. You are either doped up or dumbed down by damn depression. Remember though, you won't be on these levels forever ok? And perhaps think of them as a temporary reprieve from all the other crappy stuff that didn't let you sleep, your anxiety levels were really high and you had constant frightening flashbacks. They're a little better aren't they?
I hear that self loathing and hatred. That was so very strong for me some time ago, and it hasn't gone away completely either. But why do you hate yourself so much? Can you answer me that? Is it because you blame yourself for what happened, or because you hate the person you have become, or something else?
Although you didn't know me that well until about mid year last year, I actually wasn't doing that badly. I had occasional SA and SH episodes . But after I was stopped from working, and had very little professional support, everything ramped up a huge amount. I still don't understand why it was so bad. So yeah, my depression got so much worse. Even now, I am more regulated in my emotions, and I do bounce back easier, but it doesn't take much to slip back. Like I am now.
It's rolling with the punches, without punching yourself, so to speak. It is trying to understand why you react the way you do, and understanding that much of what you are going through is like a train journey. Sometimes there are some bumpy bits where the nails perhaps are a little loose. So it feels really scary, like you are going to derail. Then just when you think you are going in one direction, the track switches left. or right. Now where? There are nights on the train where you are lulled to sleep, yet other nights the click clack is irritating as fk.
When you start to understand yourself a little better, it does get easier. I promise you that. The DBT will help if you use it regulary. It has helped me a lot. But sometimes nothing works, and you have to hunker down under the covers and hide. From the world. From yourself. And from your SH.
Try not to worry about Work Cover. Just for tonight, ok? You can't do anything about it tonight. Perhaps make some phone calls this week. I hardly think you are ready for work yet.
@outlanderand I will sit here with you. Can you go splash your face right now with some cold water. And where you want to hurt yourself, draw on there. It doesn't matter how good or bad it is. Just draw something there. And then you can't do anything to the drawing because you will destroy it.
for @Phoenix_Rising as I know how much you don't like love hearts!!!
