@SnowieYou don't have to say anything you don't want to . But I so, so get what you are saying in that first paragraph. My logical side of my brain says I was just a kid, how did I know better? In some of the situations I did. In others, I did not. For example, I was the constant frustation of my mother. Everything I did annoyed her. She made sure I knew it. So I would push her buttons a little more because my young self couldn't make sense why my mother was never happy. And I was so angry with her for disrupting my life. Constantly I would just settle, and she would take me out of the care home. So I must of thought, she must really hate and I must be such a bad kid for her to not keep me. So if I can't please her, I will make her mad. And I did.
That's a fairly simplistic example of one situation, and there are many, many more. But I don't want to hurt anyone here or trigger them too much. But as a child, and into adulthood I hated who I was. I believed I was a really bad child because my mother didn't want me. And my work environments weren't much better. Before I was a nurse, I was often getting fired. And when I became a nurse, I was often in trouble for the way I spoke, and other things.
Now I understand that as a child, I had no stability. I had a mother who didn't know how to mother. Who lacked love and who suffered horrid traumas herself. I know I am not really so bad, just a bit flawed, and that is not my fault. I had little socialisation, and I wasn't given proper guidance how to deal with conflict. I had to fight for everything @Snowie as a kid. Even down to my clothes. These were constantly stolen by other kids. And people chastise me now for having to much 'stuff'.
Anyway, this has become more about me. But I am trying to show you that when you are ready, there needs to be a period of deep self relfection. And there needs to be a time to put things in their place, put the responsibility back to those who were supposed to protect us, nuture and care for us. Those are the ones who failed to do that. Sometimes it is deliberate; sometimes not. Everyone had wounds inside that have never healed. But they can be.
I understand you feel your causing your family hurt. But it is NOT you. It is the darkness inside. And I believe that they love you enough to see this through with you. They know this isn't really you. You didn't ask for your life to be like this. Sometimes it just happens, and there is nothing else we can do but go though it.
The DBT is not the promised land. But it is proven to work. I am not saying it will always work. Perhaps it won't. Initially for me, it didn't. But I didn't have a therapist to guide me through it. It wasn't until later that I could try out some of the principles and practices. Like I said in my last post, sometimes it doesn't work. So you go to plan B, C, D or whatever. You try to go through the pain, instead of stopping it or punishing yourself. It is hard because you have to practice it constantly to remind yourself of the skills.
You are so right. Without hope there is nothing. Whatever tiny shred of that you can hold onto, no matter how small, hold it tight. Don't let go. Nothing, absolutely nothing last forever.
for @Phoenix_Rising as I know how much you don't like love hearts!!!
The pharmisist said are you sure you are meant to be on this much. I said yes but she said she had to speak to my pdoc first b/c it is such a high dosage. I told her it needs to be today because after today I run out and I don't think that would be good for me. 
