My special place

Hi @NatureLover

It is taking some time to adjust to being home after 5 weeks of being in hospital.

Just the normal tasks are a bit daunting, but I feel like I am slowly getting back into the role of mum/wife.

The most unsettling part is having to be around people again. In hospital I kept very much to myself and there were really no questions asked as to why I was in there. The only people I communicated with really were the nurses and doctors. Even just going to the supermarket yesterday was really anxiety provoking.

Just being around people again makes my anxiety rise quite a lot. Even though no one has asked me why I was in hospital, I just dread the question being asked. Then again, some people are keeping a bit distant from me. I think being in a Mental hospital is a lot different to being just in a normal one.

I also find myself scared about being put back in there. I didn't go in there because I asked too, it was a combination of my psych and pdoc who persuaded me.

Gee that was a long explanation to a short question!! Hope I haven't bored you.

I just need to get this out.

My mum broke the news to me last night that she has been diagnosed with an incurable illness. Stupidly, I have spent the morning researching it. She will eventually end up in a nursing home with 24 hour care needed. It also means a short life expectancy. At the moment I am the only one who knows about it. She has an appt. with the doctor on Friday and has asked me to go with her. Of course I said yes. She is my mother and I would do anything for her.

I don't know how to deal with this, with everything else I am going through with. Just because I am out of hospital doesn't mean that I am 100% cured. I know my mental illness will be a part of my life forever, I am just not sure if others realise it. I fill like I am being very selfish at the moment. I don't know what to do. I just want to run away, to leave forever, to not exist anymore.

I'm sorry that I have dumped this all on here. I don't expect a reply, I just needed a space to get it out.

Hi @Snowie,

That's a lot to sit with. I'm really sorry to read about your mum. I've gone down the rabbit hole of reading things on the internet that just fed into my concerns and my anxiety. I really try to avoid that at all costs now because I have never found it to do anything except make me feel worse.

A few years ago my dad was diagnosed with an incurable illness that saw him eventually go to a nursing home. I remember when I first heard from the doctor what was wrong with him I went into a sort of free fall emotionally. My thoughts were racing and my emotions were all over the place. I can only offer you my lived experience but it does take time to process something like this. I also found it took a while for me to accept what was happening. In hindsight I feel once I did accept it (even though I didn't like it and it did take time to really accept it) things were a little easier. It's never easy to go through something like this but please be kind to yourself and know that whatever you are feeling is okay and just a part of processing and digesting what you just found out about. This is all very new and it's going to take a bit to comprehend it all.

Your feelings about wanting to run away and leave forever is something that sounds familiar to me. I don't think you are being selfish at all - maybe it has something to do with the fight or flight response but when I first found out about my dad I wanted to hide under my doona and wait to wake up and find out it was just a really bad dream.

And please don't be sorry - dump away. That's what the Forums are here for. We are here for you anytime.

Warm wishes,

FloatingFeather

I am sorry to read this @Snowie but your health has to come first. Just do what you can do each day hon.

I’m here for you anytime you need a hug and a cuppa.

💜💜💜

@Snowie sitting with you and sending understanding hugs my friend

I remember when the specialist said that my mum could not be able to go back to her own house as it was not suitable for her anymore and had to go into an aged care home

i am here for you , please talk to me anytime xxxx

I’m sorry to hear about your mum @Snowie.

Im sitting with you and sending you lots of love.

You need to look after yourself. You have only just gotten home and trying to settle back in. Your MH journey is for life and you don’t want to go backwards. Please take time for self care, through this.

Vent all you like. That’s what we are here for.

Thank you @Shaz51 @Captain24 @Eve7 @FloatingFeather for the support.

I have spoken to H about this, I can't do this by myself. I just won't tell mum that I have spoken to him at the moment. I know I need to go Friday with her. She needs my support.

Have tried to take some time for myself this afternoon.

On top of this have got ECT tomorrow morning as an outpatient.

I’m glad you’ve got H to help support you @Snowie. Good on you for taking some time this afternoon. I hope ECT goes ok. I’ll be thinking of you.

I’ll be thinking of you tomorrow @Snowie and it’s good that you shared this with h.

Big hugs 🤗💜

Thanks all.

Home now trying to get my shit together.