Topic Tuesday**closed** // 24 Nov, 7pm AEDT // Taking control of anger, and not letting anger control you

@Former-Member do you have some practical advice about how we can practice being assertive?

hi @Jacques Yes, my husband get angry with me for being so calm and in control , some of my comments gets to him

@Former-Member With assertiveness, sometimes in relationships this just doesn't seem to work. For example, when we have to bring up issues that are of concern but which have already been brought up many times in the past with no resolution or improvement occurring. Over a long relationship, this has led to some degree of passive aggression in both my partner and I in the way we relate to each other. That's not everything about our relationship by any means, but it does trouble us both at times I think.

Oohh my, time has flown by tonight. We have 30 minutes left, so now is the time to ask any questions so we have time to address them.

Learning how to be assertive can be difficult, especially if you have operated in either a passive or aggressive mode for a long time. However, practise makes progress!

It can be helpful to dedicate some time to visualise or role-play constructive anger management strategies. Perhaps consider a scenario that ordinarily would make you angry and imagine resolving the situation without anger. Try rehearsing this scenario with a friend, or practice saying things out loud in an assertive (rather than aggressive or passive-aggressive) way in front of the mirror.

Practice assertive communication using 'I' statements that clearly express how you feel, or what you need. Try to avoid using language that conveys blame, judgement or criticism towards others. Be prepared to negotiate with those around you and think "win, win". When we are being assertive, we aim to show equal respect both to ourselves and to those around us.

Just squeezing in one more question but it's okay if we run out of time before it's answered. How does everyone feel about the idea that depression may sometimes be an expression of unexpressed anger? I wonder about this theory that I've seen quite a few times, how valid it might or might not be, and what that might say about my long term struggle with depression as part of bipolar.

Hi @Jacques welcome to the conversation 🙂 It sounds like you have a lot of insight into how you're feeling when you are angry. That insight is an incredible gift and skill to have, and it's something we can all work on.

In terms of figuring out how to more constructively channel our anger, it is also important to consider ahead of time what situations that might trigger our anger. It can be helpful to recognise and make a list of situations or circumstances that make you angry (eg., noticing happy people around you). Knowing your triggers ahead of time can help you feel better prepared to handle them and stay in control when they do arise.

Also it can be helpful to recognise what is happening in your body when your anger starts to rise (e.g., pounding heart, grinding teeth, tightness in the chest). Acknowledging those physical warning signs will give you a better opportunity to calm down and de-escalate the situation before things get out of hand.

Great question @Billamba. I look forward to hearing @Former-Member and other people's thoughts on this.

One thing @Former-Member that we haven't yet addressed is prevention. I think this can be really helpful in terms of stopping frustration before it turns into rage. @Former-Member can you tell us about triggers and warning signs of anger?

Hahaha @Former-Member, it seems with just had a psychic moment where you posted just as I did. You answered my question just before I posted!