Topic Tuesday**closed** // 24 Nov, 7pm AEDT // Taking control of anger, and not letting anger control you

@Loopy - You're back! Hooray!!

From what most of you have said @Chilli @Loopy @chookmojo @Mazarita it seems that while some of us live mainly peaceful lives, once anger starts, it's like it takes over it hard to take control of. From what @Chilli wrote, it seems like once your son is angry, it's also hard to bring him back to a calm state.

Any ideas on why this is @Former-Member? I understand that anger functions in a certain part of our brain...

Looking back I can see that the times I have gotten really angry it has been because I am trying to either defend my boundaries or protect myself in some way. Or someone I care about.

i believe that managing our anger is a practiced art and we need to find the underlying emotion which was mentioned before- emabarrasment, sadness, frustration etc so many emotions contribute to the anger and voila an outburst occurs. if we can find the trigger then we can begin the minefield journey. For my son we know the trigger but cant seem to find the underlying emotion or how we can support these outbursts of pure rage.I think it is all about how we see ourselves and what value we put on ourselves. i suspect that teenagers go through a huge identity crisis coupled with raging hormones- not such a good combo!

hi @chookmojo i totally agree what u mean , I do that in the middle of the night

Some great insights emerging so far @Shaz51 @chookmojo @Chilli!

I agree, anger often occurs when emotions or situations haven't met our needs and this has not been resolved. It can usually happen over time, though there are certainly instances where there is something that trigger the last straw on the camel's back.

I think anger, as a secondary emotion, is letting us know what our needs are. But @Former-Member has mentioned, it's how we respond to feeling angry.

Your right @CherryBomb – anger is a very primal part of who we are as human beings. The part of our brain that controls anger is the amygdala (part of the limbic system) and it is distinctly different to the part of our brain involved in logical reasoning (the frontal lobe). When we become angry, the emotional centre of our brain (the amygdala drives the logical part offline. That’s why we often find it difficult to think clearly and rationally when we are upset or angry. In some ways, this serves an adaptive function for us, as certain situations require us to override our logic and careful judgement in order to respond to our immediate environment. Of course, this functionality can also sometimes get us into trouble and lead to problems in our lives.

I have been encouraged to explore and express my anger by a therapist .. which at first I thought was weird and put on ... ie hitting with baseball bat ... but later read more and I tried to do it "appropriately". The first few times where it was just natural expression .. was a roar of rage on hearing about a death ... one death was an ex "father-in-law and one death was a therapist with whom I had made a break through in talking about how I felt at the time. Neither time was it directed at anybody ... it was just a release.... but it was not poised hitting with a bat against a beanbag because I had been told to do so ... it was pure rage... and hurt my throat for days.

So... @Former-Member if anger can be hard to control once it starts, what can be done, as@Mazarita has asked, to tap into our underlying emotions and prevent us from snapping?

Hi @chookmojo my husband has just joined in and totalyy agrees with u ---

I can see that the times I have gotten really angry it has been because I am trying to either defend my boundaries or protect myself in some way. Or someone I care about.

Hi @Mazarita - it can be really tricky to sense those underlying emotions when you’re feeling angry. It can be easier sometimes to wait until you have cooled off before you can investigate how you really feel, or what is actually driving your anger.

If you sense are becoming angry and losing control, it can be helpful to give yourself some space. If you’re with others, perhaps arrange a time to talk about the situation later when everyone involved has calmed down. Then, step out of the room or go for a walk. As you take this time for yourself, you may find it easier to connect with some of those underlying feelings.