Depressed partner pushed me out of his life

Hi all,

My experience has been very similar to those in this chain, which is comforting. I dated my ex for three years, living together for the last year. he’s had a very traumatic upbringing with abandonment and no modeling of healthy relationships. He let his depression and anxiety go untreated for a while, and last year I finally pushed him into counseling and medicine. It’s been a really rocky road and this past year he just hasn’t been happy.

He went behind my back and secured an apartment without telling me ab a month ago. once I found out, he said he needed space and needs to work on himself. Literally follows every behavior seen in this thread. It’s been almost a month and we’ve barely spoken. In the small conversations we have, he’s very emotional and expresses so much sadness and confusion in his life. He said he couldn’t commit or wasn’t sure..and felt guilty, like he couldn’t “work” on himself having that pressure. He really pushed me away. We’ve barely spoken and I just don’t get how he can continue on as if we had no history. He seems fine, except when we talk he’s emotional and cries. But those are fewer and farther between. I think I am just moving on. As hard as this is, I did everything I could to help him. I know he’s depressed but why push me out? I’m so frustrated.

I learnt the hard way that you have to move on. Their behaviour is bizarre and will only bring you down too. I am seeing a psych who said that my ex used his mental illness as an excuse. He said that they need support too. I am now going through depression and anxiety and I have built up a support network to help me. I know everybody is different but it is more that they are running from their problems. They can’t be in a relationship if they are going to do that.

i am actually quite angry at my ex now. I think he emotionally manipulated me. I have a letter I’ve been working on for quite a while that I will be sending to him. I walked on eggshells when we broke up because of his mental health. So much that I didn’t say because of it and I have bottled it up. I know they say not to do that but I feel like I wasn’t allowed to voice my opinion.

I think it is also important to look at a persons actions. Words can be worth nothing when their actions speak volumes. I am sorry that he found an apartment behind your back. He really should have spoken to you. They really don’t seem to know how to handle things when they are going through these things.

I agree. I’m just heart broken by his actions. He doesn’t seem to understand why it was so “wrong” or selfish. I feel he was only thinking about himself. During our relationship, I helped him open up ab his past and try to heal but it seems I turned into someone he blamed during the process. I can tell you sincerely, I was SO good to him. Always gave him an out when he didn’t want to socialize or go out. Was always there encouraging him along the way. Never made him feel pressure. It just crumbled when I started asking about next steps in our relationship. I know he suffers from anxiety and depression but I don’t think he did/does enough to help himself. I can’t help but think it’s me, and he fell out of love with me. He’s not knocking down my door to talk, and he seems to be fine the space. I am just so frustrated and confused. I want more answers,but I think it’s useless. Every day is hard. I feel like i’ll Never get over this hurt. How did you emotionally move on? Any advice?

I also feel like I should feel angry. But the anger just won’t come yet. I couldn’t agree more with you about walking on eggshells. maybe I should just draft a letter to get my thoughts out.

Truthfully, I haven't moved on. It's been almost 3 months for me and I am struggling. I have good support around me that allow me to vent when I want to. I don't believe I will ever get answers. I have my sister, mum and a friend who support me in the idea of sending him an email. He was really giving me mixed signals over this time and then just dropped off the radar. Blocked me on all social media. It has been a real mess with my mind.

I did a lot for my boyfriend as well. Maybe a bit too much. I looked after his dog for 6 months. Dropped keys off for his rental property, put bins out for him, tried to save his job, made sure he got paid his outstanding money from work (we worked together before the relationship). Really supported him when he wasn't well. He did little things for me too and was a gentleman up to his downward spiral.

Letter writing does help a lot. I have started painting. Just keep talking on forums too. I see a psych. I stopped working but that made me worse so I now have a role that is less pressure but keeps me occupied. I am on anti-depressants because of it all. I try and line up stuff to do on the weekends as that is when I am at my worse.

Hey Sofrustrated and Sosad,

its actually so scary how our stories are so similar.

My ex also had a rough childhood with no support network, he was homeless and victimised and abused by his dad. I also treated him sooo well.

Talking to a close friend, and reading your posts, i also realise my ex didn’t always treat me 100% as he should have, such as blaming me for silly things, shouting and snapping really badly for simple things - such as me holding a fork wrong when i eat!

i always forgave him and talked to him about it. Sent him to see someone for help.

i still too cry a lot, and every single day think about him, what he’s doing. I also question how I can move on too. It’s only been a month for me. I seem to be okay for about 3 days then I come crashing down again- to a really low and dark place.

i think how can he just drop me and be fine? He hasn’t contacted me since our meeting (as he said he would), which is heart breaking- as every hour of the day I have the urge to contact him.

i dream about him a lot, about us being back together or about the breakup replaying again. So the dreams aren’t good.

Theres not a day goes by where I don’t feel low.

Although i wish this never happened to me and him, I can’t see us getting back together again- I just can’t see him commiting to me.

I’m hurting so much right now, and I know you girls are too. This is going to be difficult, i’ve accepted that. One day we will all wake up and be in a much happier place than where we are right now. Right now im just trying to trodge through

Also im in the same boat as you girls.

My jobs changed and ive dropped my hours a lot. Seen a psychologist too.

anything to help my mental health

Oh no! I was hoping he would contact you. Sounds like how my ex left it too. I had to make contact after the last time I saw him. I am now 2 weeks with no contact. It’s really disheartening hey.

I deactivated my Facebook after my ex blocked me. I let everybody know that I wasn’t doing well and was just going to take some time to focus on myself. His dad commented on my post and wished me luck and told me to hang in there. His dad always likes my posts. So my ex must not be saying bad things about me lol.

I don’t see my ex and I getting back together either, which makes it even harder. I just don’t know if anything has happened with this other woman or not. He should start to be feeling better by now and he hasn’t reached out.

I do think they think about us. It’s their loss though 🙂

Same. It is very disheartening.

i wish i knew what was going through his head.

That’s a good idea. I deleted the apps on my phone for Instagram too, I was getting more down just constantly staring at my phone.

yeah exactly, i feel the same in terms of what has he been doing in this time apart. Is his emotions feeling better and is he moving on from me? While im still stuck here thinking about him?

I think they do think about us too, but i dont think mine would be missing me, i think he would be relieved 😞