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Depression Dementia Dad

Unknown userMember31 Jan 2018, 10:01 pm AEDT

Depression Dementia Dad

Is Dementia Mental Illness? It's a disease of the mind so i'm hoping i still belong here. If not for that - today at the DR he was asked if he gets depression - dad answered "yes I do get depressed" It's hard to read with dad's early vascular dementia.

Around Christmas i moved in with my parents as mum was unable to manage hersef let alone continue as dad's carer. She was end stage cancer and died in hospital palliative care only 19 days after i arrived 😞 I was shocked how sick she became in the 2months since my last three week trip.. My goodness - what a fighter she was. My two younger brothers were dropping in a couple of times a day & helped with transport, bills & shopping - but could not stay in the house.longer than 30min - becoming restless... (probably the MI-Sz / drug related) and they were wearing thin. getting angry.. Mum was so difficult / hurtful during my last stay to help, i was reluctant to come again unless she asked me to. It was hard for her but necessary. The first attempt to drive the 1200km i ran off the road & badly crashed my car - a 'Write Off' Sore bones & shellshot - I had to rest a few days before flew down.

I hit the floor running - household duties, neals & loads of patient reassurance for mum. Even giving her a bell. Wasnt easy looking them both, clearly dad had been neglected for sone time.

I was still in the bad books for reporting him as a medically 'unfit' driver during my last stay. They fought it and gad x2 doctors confer ( why not done before is beyond me).

So here i am, feeling alone with 'toxic family' threatened by my presence, the loss of my mum, a dad in grief, with early vascular dementia, diabetes, heart disease, spinal injury - poor mobility, bad incontinence. Its full on some days. Not just the cleaning up but all the medical appointments. Especially since mum had understandablly got behind on things like optometrist, pidiatrist... even the GP...

Just looking for support as feeling somewhat shattered after only x5 weeks. Big day today.

lapses

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In response to: Depression Dementia Dad

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor12 Mar 2018, 11:30 am AEDT

Re: Depression Dementia Dad

Love the link @Former-Member ..... it’s spot on ❣️

💜 @Former-Member

In response to: Depression Dementia Dad

OwlunarSenior Contributor12 Mar 2018, 1:48 pm AEDT

Re: Depression Dementia Dad

@Former-Memberwrote:
Hi @soul, @Former-Member, @Shaz51, @Faith&Hope...

Yesterday was hard internally - next to no sleep, anxiety Bro3 was gonna come & 'go off'... & my aunt coming over for lunch... ... BUT fortunately lunch went well, Bro's3&4 didn't turn up (intimidate / harrass) further. Not a relaxing 'day off' really (especially with lawn mowers, hovering noisy garbage collection trucks... that seem to go on forever, some low flying air craft... & did i mention lawn mowers 😕 Friday is officially the noisiest day of the week here...
I miss my quiet country town...
I miss mum nagging me2 lol
I miss dad's intellect
I miss my girl.

BUT, guess lunch went well, dad got to his Vetaran's day & i even made it to the Psychologist where i just blarblarred... Oh, and a friend back home rang (that feels like a different life now, a dream).

Ad for cleaning, i've left the services in place that mum had = dads showers, lawn mowing, cleaner 1.5hrs f/n (to vac & mop). It helps a little. Oh, i have also engaged a subsidised Linen service - they provide & wash the bedding & pick up & replace twice a week. It all helps.

Slipped on the step to my room this morning 😞 hurt my ankle & jarred my back 😞 & have i mentioned me shoulder - rotator cuff injury last year 😞 Pain is annoying. Thinking of poor @Owlunar & @Kurra & you Soul. Isn't it amaxing we keep going even in pain.

"ALL THINGS PASS
EVEN GREAT PAIN"

Hi @Former-Member

I'm glad I caught up with you here - I have read the posts since this one and wow - you are going through hard yards - ouchie - you have so much pain!!!! I know pain differs from person to person but your pain is your pain and it's the pain you have to deal with

So you have done your back and ankle and rotator cuff - oh my - that makes it tough to walk the dog - I had a look - I don't think there is a dog now - but that is enough places to ache and have nagging and tugging everytime you do something - and rotator cuff pain is really bad - it is of a different order - I know

You could do without your sibs - right - you are bloody outnumbered by them

Fridays sound terrible where you are - here with have the garbos on Wednesday and if you put your bins out the night before they come at respectable times but if you forget they are really early - before sun-rise. Does that happen where you are?

We have a gardener who comes on Mondays - not today I guess it's a public holiday - but he does come when I have a headache - and I live near a small airport too and I used to take joy-flights back in the day - I would like to do that again and maybe I should write it in my diary

You have a lot to miss - yes - the peace and quiet of your own home in the country - the time to please yourself and not have the infrastructure being so obvious - and even arguing with your Mum - yes - I do understand that in a way - and your Dad losing the plot - that has to be hard and then your girl - I gotcha on that one - all the time - everyday - I really do

Thinking of you Lapses - understand the noise problem but I am not planning to move but a few days in a sound-proofed room in a luxury hotel was wonderful

I do withdraw when my life feels difficult - I am sorry - I just don't feel I can be of much use at times but we are nearly half-way through March - I do love the autumn but the tough time of the year is coming up - it doesn't bother me yet and okay - it was great last year because I had the forum and this made a huge difference

But do I miss him? It's well over thirty years now and hardly the case I could miss someone who has been gone so long and I certainly have never missed his BDP and other stuff - but I am sorry that a teenager who had the intellect to do whatever he chose - even if it was a labourer - is now well into middle age - that is hard to focus on

Thinking of all of these things my sweet friend - we do have a lot in common

Dec

In response to: Re: Depression Dementia Dad

Unknown userMember12 Mar 2018, 4:59 pm AEDT

Re: Depression Dementia Dad

hello @Owlunar

I don't believe personally that time makes any difference as to whether we miss someone or not....

it is also a good thing to miss someone ...not saying this very well.....

a reminder of how much you both loved each other....regardless of the experiences..

having memories of that love is wonderful...

In response to: Depression Dementia Dad

Unknown userMember12 Mar 2018, 7:46 pm AEDT

Re: Depression Dementia Dad

Maybe @Former-Member, but :
- sis wont reply to any of my calls, tx,..
- sis has no time or energy for me for mamy years
- obviosly I'm here to help, drr however, sis can't work WITH ppl, she wants control as its easier than working WITH ppl, valuing opinions of others.. Should have seen the horriblw picture on the front of mums funeral leaflet 😞 i never had a say in that
- sis can't drive herself this far (1hr) as has panic attacks driving...
- i calles her out, loudly, on her court crap & lies so now she tells everyone i abuse her & that's why she can't visit dad - cause I'm here 😕
- she slanders me to others, not one of her acquaintences or close family show an ounce of kindness or respect toward me.
- i give up, its her move
- thinking i could be better off without the likes of her stabbing holes in my lifeboat behind my back.
- but i apprexiate your theory, might work with a less damaged family

In response to: Depression Dementia Dad

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor12 Mar 2018, 8:00 pm AEDT

Re: Depression Dementia Dad

I have had family that I have had to shield myself from @Former-Member ..... some people won’t bend, won’t communicate nicely, don’t want a relationship, need to control etc ...,,, and there is not much that can be done with it for them, unfortunately, and there is contant re-injuring in trying.

The defender and communication principles in the link are very sound though ..... it’s likely they will help to support you with the relationships that are wonky sometimes, but are functional nonetheless @Former-Member.

I used a lot of them in working out how to deal with wonky family members who I needed to retain in my life, but not closely, because they weren’t able to function easily without trying to manipulate and control everybody, and put others down when they were feeling hurt, whether they deserved it or not. They were the arms-length relationships ......

It’s all very tiring, and you have been away from it for some time. You are noticing pros and cons though, like appr coating this local church more than the ones where you were living.

💜

In response to: Depression Dementia Dad

Unknown userMember12 Mar 2018, 8:02 pm AEDT

Re: Depression Dementia Dad

Like the link @Former-Member, thank you 🙂

10 Way to Build and Preserve Better Boundaries
1. Name your limits
2. Tune into your feelings.
3. Be direct
4. Give yourself permission.
5. Practice self-awareness.
6. Consider your past and present.
7. Make self-care a priority.
8. Seek support
9. Be assertive
10. Start small

In response to: Depression Dementia Dad

Unknown userMember12 Mar 2018, 9:04 pm AEDT

Re: Depression Dementia Dad

Thanks @Faith-and-Hope, i tjink you 'get it' so does Darcy & Dec (coming back to you Dec) & probably everyone... think I'm a little retarted lol anyway, i'm just so tired, had a big day today. You must be the same, so much on for your beautiful big family...

In response to: Re: Depression Dementia Dad

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor12 Mar 2018, 9:19 pm AEDT

Re: Depression Dementia Dad

Yeah ..... took time out for self-care today and dozed for a bit.

@Former-Member

In response to: Depression Dementia Dad

Unknown userMember12 Mar 2018, 9:45 pm AEDT

Re: Depression Dementia Dad

Hi @Owlunar, so good ro see you!
We do have much in common, thats why i miss you when you withdraw. But i understand the need to pull back. Even Jesus Christ had to. You do ok but think you put a great deal of yourself in posts - you know just a hello works too. I use pictures a lot when feeling speechless here - you're good with pictures too.

NOISE: Thats funny what u sayDec, "if you forget the bins they garbage truck comes really early" Havent missed binhnight here butpup northp- yep, i've raced out in my PJ's many times lol. Living near an airport must be horrible - are thy big or small planes? And yes, ya gotta goTdo that joyflighto:) But noise - bad our ears dont have an off switch. As a child i loved being underwater 'cause it was so silent.

When is your bad time? Easter? (apologies for forgetting.I have a birthday in 2wks, S.A.D. kicks in soon after - usually May but maybe coincidence. A friend of mine took her life in may.& this year mum .is gone 😞 Poo, dont wanna think of it 😞 face it when it comes. Lets make sure we're here for each other Dec, dont let me forget!

I love Autumn. Went for a drive with dad out to Windsor, grabbed a cold beer & lunch & pushed his wheel chair through the mall. Talkin about planes, tbe Richmand Air Base had large aircraft exercises over head, not too loud but liw. Dad enjoyed that, and the cold beer. I'z a cheap drunk lol - one scooner had me high for 1/2hr. Love the old buildings in Windsor - and the River. Feels like home there. I think dad enjoyed it too. We fed pigeons...
Love Autum days like this - so glad he agreed to go out for a drive.

In response to: Re: Depression Dementia Dad

AppleblossomSenior Contributor13 Mar 2018, 7:22 am AEDT

Re: Depression Dementia Dad

@Former-Member That is a lovely story about your father and the air base.

I liked that you noted the main points of @Former-Member boundaries article.

I have been working on them since I first heard about god boundaries on this forum. It is not natural for me at all, but I am seeing some of the value. I think the self care aspect is a good one to expand so that then I have an idea what being good feels like. Just making it a slight focus in thoughts and conversations. I cant take any of it for granted. I also really liked that they discussed resentment as due to being taken advantage of and poor boundaries. Grist for my mill.

Take care ALL

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