Hey @Former-Member sorry I'm not really able to offer much advice or help here, just to say I'm thinking of you and hoping you can find a way through these shadows you're experiencing.
I get it, I've been in a dark place recently myself, still dodging around the edges of it which is why I've not been on here much. I'm trying to engage myself with the things that provide me the teensiest tiniest bit of brightness to help myself.
It was when I was at my lowest point, actioning anything was too much effort, that I came to a realisation that I do want to stay in this life and experience more of the 'stuff' I want to. That knowledge/ realisation has made a huge difference in how interact with my environment, it's making it easier to be me, with all my quirks and foibles.
The frustration at others and how they try to influence me to their agendas, and how the helping professions give lip service to all this stuff but don't actually carry through doesn't go away, it's still there along with the down feelings, but I now I know now that that isn't all there is for me, because I'm making sure each day I have something a little lighter for myself.
I have to make it happen and that's sometimes a downer in itself. I have one person I trust and we help each other out with in a variety of ways. I don't have shiny happy expectations anymore, those are the lies I believe we're sold to keep us buying stuff and so forth.
Please understand I'm not trying to tell you (or anyone else) what you should/need/ ought to do, not at all, I accept that you are feeling as awful as you say you are, probably worse. 
I'm hoping that somewhere in my befuddled explanation of how I came to my own conclusions that you might find something that will work for you.
Try to look after you, hun.
