Broken beyond repair

@Teej Firstly, congratulations on arranging the interview for Monday. I know it will be scary. I hope sincerely it works out for you.

Regarding the believe in me thingie, well I had a talk to my counsellor and after hashing through a few throw outs, we came up with, acceptance. She accepts me as I am. That felt OK with me. Yes she has my back and it feels good. A biggie for me I'd finding anything good, therefore when she does, I feel like I'm deceiving her, pulling the wool over her eyes, even though I'm as honest as I know how to be.

I've also done the awful to my counsellor, even the well you get paid to say that, and I could tell it threw her at the time. She's now opening her own counselling rooms with no pay so far, she works part time to support herself. She did say, well you can't say I'm getting paid to say it now, that threw me. Lol.

I was also sent thinking when you mentioned your GP wanting to fix you. I realised she's helping in a big way, but not fixing, or trying to fix, maybe that's the acceptance thing. I'm the one trying to fix me, she's the one picking up the pieces once more, after another failed attempts.

Anyway @Teej I hope you are travelling okish atm, and I'll be thinking of you on Monday hoping it's the outcome you want. 💜💜

@Phoenix_Rising I've been walking around the ocean and I've had a few thoughts that I don't want to post on your thread, hopeing it's ok to post here.

My first few years with my present counsellor were spent under her desk. Her office had two large comfy chairs, and a large desk where she worked on her computer when alone in her office. The comfy chairs were not a safe place for me, but under her desk was. After a few weeks, she place a soft cushion and a teddy. I was allowed to bring my dog, the only thing I trusted in the world, a jack Russell at the time. That was where my secrets were shared. Later we learned teddies were a trigger, so teddy was removed.

We also do a diary kind of thing which I wonder if it might help you, it might not also. We have a book each and I write things that happen between appointments. She writes comments. I think it's a connection thing for me, staying connected between appointments. Anyway, for me, these diaries have proven priceless. They map out the journey, the struggles and successes. I found them helpful during the darkest times, it is me on those pages, they don't lie.

I hope some of this makes sense. I'm so tempted to put a heart.!!!!!!!!!

Hi @Maggie,

Super big thank you for sharing this with me. I think it is so important that we can share that there ARE helpful helping people out there...they are just super few and far between!!! I am so very glad that you have your counsellor.

I super like the system you have of a diary kind of thing. TTT lets me email her once a week, which is super helpful for me. I can see that like your counsellor, TTT is open to trying anything that might be helpful. I am super enjoying the idea of her reading a few pages of a story to me at the start of each session. I can hear her doing it in my brain, which, like your diary system, provides a sense of connection between sessions.

Helpful helping people can help SO MUCH...and unhelpful helping people can do so much harm.

It's ok if you want to throw a love heart at my head - I've had lots of practice ducking them because @Zoe7 does it so often.

Ps. The ocean isn't "my" ocean. I'm just a little sea turtle who happens to hang out there a lot. You are welcome there anytime.

@Phoenix_Rising 💕💜💛💟💓💕💜😂💓I just couldn't help myself. Thankyou for you response.

I'm going to try and share parts of my DID ( Dissociative Identity Disorder ) previously called Multiple personalities, experiences here. I'm hopeing to encourage others living with this,or similar MI to share their own ups and downs. I know other threads are touching on this subject, but what I hope to do is dismis some of the fears the media have spread. Questions are welcome, as are appropriate discussions.

I imagine there might be a feast or famine type of information, depending on my ability to share and get it out of my head and into a written language.

It also doesn't matter if there are no responses. I do understand that from the outside looking in, at the very least, it's wierd, very wierd. But from the inside looking out, it's normal, very normal.

Things you might need to pack for the journey are.

A good sense of humour.

Openess to differences.

As my mind has gone blank at the moment. Patience will come in very handy.

@Phoenix_Rising It takes me time to respond, but eventually I do. Thank you for the welcome to the ocean, I actually hang out there quite a lot. I was never allowed to speak as a child, so getting things out is difficult. Gradually though, I'm finding my voice, not without heaps of, did I get that right, did I answer that right, did I understand what was said. Then the internal critic weaves in and out. But, I'm still responding, hopeing I'm on track.

I have had many unhelpful people, and it caused more damage, but they led me to my helpful person, at the end of a long lonely road, but it was worth the effort.

Your TTT sounds amazing. Thank you for not being afraid of my brokeness, many are.

@Maggie, I'm super glad to hear you like visiting the ocean. I know people tend to be very quiet on the ocean when the waves are superly duperly huge, and that's ok. I know it is because I can be a snappy turtle when the waves are gigantic.

Learning that it is ok to speak sounds so so SO hard. I am so glad you are finding your voice - I always enjoy hearing it.

Your description of how the unhelpful people led to your helpful person sounds a lot like how I have found my way to TTT - eventually! It only took 22 years! And as you say, so much more harm has been done along the way. I get waves of panic that she is going to disappear. However, this is helped a tiny bit by knowing that the practice owner and the other psychologists in the practice also get this stuff so presumably they would provide a huge amount of support if TTT disappeared. From what I can tell, that's why the practice owner wouldn't let me start with TTT before she went on 3 months maternity leave last year. I think the other psychologists stepped in and worked with TTT's clients during that time. My other angst is around whether Victim's Services will truly keep funding sessions. Alas, that is something out of my control.

Your counsellor sounds just as amazing as TTT. Yay for people who get it!!!! And no, it never even crossed my mind to be afraid of your brokeness, Maggie. What you see as brokeness, I see as a super clever brain that figured out how to protect itself against something that was (and is) a bazillion times bigger than brains are really designed to cope with. Good job clever brain!!!

Wow, you have a super clever brain AND a voice that people enjoy hearing. I think that makes you pretty awesome.

@utopia As far as sending a personality away, for me personally, no I can't send them away, but with heaps of work and listening, 'we' work through, what would have been the reason I would have wanted to send them away for. I hope that makes some sense. Personalities do come through when other people are around, but you would have to know me very well to pick this up.My personalities are very frightened kids, that is how I deal with them, i read them stories, listen to music or sit quietly with them. In my mind they are a complete child, some male, some female, different ages, different likes and dislike. Some interact on a daily basis, others have shared their stories, and rest in the background. No one has to do anything they don't want to anymore.

Yes I lose time. I find that hard to discribe because it is lost time. Your questions are not stupid at all. I made the mistake of watching Sybil when I was diagnosed. All that achieved was fear. Thank you. I hope I have answered correctly what you asked.