Supporting my wife who lives with Borderline Personality Disorder while maintaining self care.

So am I @Former-Member it turned out to be a pleasant day after a bumpy start and nearly not happening.

I actually put some work clothes on and went out to start on some weeding, seems to be some emotional manipulation happening 😞 my taking the whatever approach and moving on to something else got things moving.

The hardest part about today for me was seeing all of the outwardly happy couples/ families walking hand in hand and looking genuinely content while we are not.

Darling has in the last couple of days started talking about not wanting to be here again and wishing she could die. That is the usual response to any initiation of discussion around wanting to work on things (particually relationship).

Sorry, not wanting to moan after what was a nice day, just that I would really like us to have that every day. Feeling down about it all. For me that means accepting how some things are and that they may never change. I'm not sure at the moment how I can do that.

Days like today do give me some encouragement though.

@Determined ... Hearing you Bro

@Determined

I don't know enough about BPD but there seems go be some sort of paradox (?not sure of right word) happening.

Sounds like if you mention what could be seen as perceived flaws in her (ie relationship) that she becomes reactive and perhaps her fear of abandonment sets in.

Perhaps it might be a case of not mentioning things, accepting that an idea rejected might lead to a change of mind and a good day can be had, but not drawing attention to the fact it was enjoyable as once again, she could become reactive. More doing tings that you both find enjoyable rather than saying.

As you had yesterday by saying 'whatever' and not reacting yourself (ie not letting her see it bothered you) almost had a 'reverse psychology' effect.

Anyhoo, found this article mainly so I could nag you re: self care 😀 (hoping I don't offend)

https://www.psycom.net/personality-disorders/bpd-and-relationships/

Not at al offended @Former-Member 😊

Read the article @Former-Member, very accurate.

I hope helpful in encouraging you to look after yourself just a little bit @Determined.

@Former-Member I have been giving what you have said some more thought in the context of what I can do to accomodate some of these things.

I have said this many times before but these thoughts reflect on the BPD not my darling.

I think more than point out percieved flaws in my darling (I try to avoid this as it only ends bad for everyone) I more try and have a discussion around what she sees as percieved flaws in me. The result is the same, it is taken as a personal attack. Unfortunately fear of abandment often results in behaviour that could result in abandonment. (Kind of if you are going to leave I will give you a reason to) this is one thing I find hard to process, for me, if I think I have upset someone I try and make up for it not make it worse.

While the 'whatever' approach worked out well on the weekend that can often be a calculated risk also and can just as easily result in a crisis. One problem of BPD (for us) is that the goal posts are never fixed and I always have to be on guard and ready to react. Thats where the boundaries come in. If I react in the same way consistently then in theory things are more stable and predictable (and safe) for my darling. Thats the hard part for me, I have an emotional personality and taking a 'hard line' seems mean. If I didn't care it may possibly be easier but if I didn't are I probably would not still be here.

Darling mentioned again this morning how she enjoyed our time out on the weekend and is looking forward to a day trip and bike ride I suggested. (Beach side location about 2 hour drive from home)

Today's self care win

I managed a 6.2 km walk. Was aiming for 10 km but had to turn around early.

Contemplating getting the road bike out tomorrow and going for a longish ride (15-20km).

Or at the very least 5-10km walk.

managed a 6.2 km walk.--- way to go @Determined for today