Supporting my wife who lives with Borderline Personality Disorder while maintaining self care.

@Bella1978 I thought I would answer your question here rather go into detail on the social thread.

That is tough call, I am having a similar dilemma with my wife (aka my darling) at the moment. We have a psyc appointment where I will be discussing a possible hospital admission if things don't improve for her. Doc is reluctant to change meds as he has already tried every appropriate combination.

GP wanted me to have her admitted last Friday based on her assessment.

It is so hard to watch when our loved ones are this low 😞

I am reluctant to see her in hospital again as it is not local and she feels very isolated. You can see some of our story here, happy to answer any questions.

It can be so hard when our loved ones lack insight into how unwell they are and/ or the impact that has on those around them, particually those closest.

Thank you so much for responding @Determined. It is breaking my heart seeing my mum the way she is - we are so close, she is my best friend and I love her dearly. And I've seen all this happen before and I don't want her to go to hospital. And I know she doesn't want to go either but the longer this goes on for, the harder it will be for her to get better again grrrr. It is such an emotional rollercoaster for me.

For over 25 years mum was pretty stable with her depression - no hospital admissions but the past couple of years she has been through quite a bit with her physical health - she had kidney cancer 2 years ago but was caught in time thankfully, she has chronic kidney disease so we need to keep an eye on her kidney levels and she had a stroke at the beginning of last year. Fortunately there were no lasting physical symptoms of the stroke but it effected her in many other ways, ie her kidneys and it took such an emotional toll on her. She was admitted into hospital last year for her depression twice - the first time I think her physical health triggered her and the second time I think it was my sister that triggered her - my sister moved back home but literally sucked the life out of my mum and she went downhill fast! My sister also has mental illness and having them live under the same roof wasn't a good experience. I also battle depression and anxiety but cope with it differently. I feel for my sister but I can't do anything. Sorry, I am waffling on.

When does your darling have her doc appt? That's rough that the hospital is far away, I can understand it would feel isolating for her, and harder on you not being close to her.

Psyc appointment is tomorrow @Bella1978,

I am reluctant to have her back in hospital again also, she had 6 or 7 admissions last year, bit over 4 months combined total. It was hard on our children also. It is a 2 hour round trip to visit, for all bar her last admission last year I visited daily with our bub but that came a a high finamcial, physical and emotional cost, I would not be able to do that again 😞

It must be hard seeing your sister suffer also.

Do you access support for yourself at all?

Is there other family or friends who can help out?

Looking after yourself is sooo important, the reason I am struggling with burnout and have not worked full time for over 4 years is I tried to do it all myself for too long. It is just not sustainable.

It would be so much harder for your mum dealing with such significant physical health issues as well as the depression.

It is good that her dr will talk to you, my darlings current dr will return my calls and listen to me which I am grateful for but her last doc would not talk to me even to listen to my feedback. That made things so much harder.

@Determined good idea answering here. If I may do likewise...

@Bella1978, if your Mum is considered legally competent to make her own decisions, the hard thing is that she can refuse help, even if family and professionals can see she needs it. Have been there done that. I'm guessing you'll need to keep trying, but as gently as possible. The more she feels as if it's her decision rather than someone else's imposition, the more likely she'll accept help.

She may feel like she can cope, and not realise how much the support she's getting from you (and others including her psych) is carrying her? Also it sounds like she may be used to being the one caring for your sister, and may therefore find it hard to accept being cared for herself?

Sorry, I'm off to bed, so that means I'm dropping a comment then disappearing. Will look in on any further conversation in the morning. Sleep well both of you.

It would have been hard watching your mum struggle like that relativly unsupported (professionally) @Smc, I constantly worry about our children and what it must be like for them.

I know I often struggled with my mums lack of emotional regulation. (Also possibly undiagnosed MI), she went to a gp once when us children were young at dads insistance, when he offered her antidepressants she told him what he could do with that and stormed out never to return lol. Poor dad suffered until the day he died 😔

I agree with @Smc @Bella1978

If you can support in a way that your mum in a way that she feels it is her decision it does help. I know that my darling digs her heals in and works against the process when she feels controlled or she has limited choice in care options.

That unfortunately becomes difficult when insight is lacking,

I am off to bed now also as I have another big day and much exam prep to do for my next exam on Wednesday. Will drop by again tomorow night.

@Determined, As children, we assumed that all families were similar to ours. We didn't really know how out of balance things were until we moved out of home. Even now, I'm not sure that many people understand why I find it hard to visit Mum, and when you add a daughter with serious MI into the equation, we've got "Sandwich Generation Double Plus".

I've had a number of psychs and doctors tell me that they don't know how I've coped so far without breaking down. I seriously don't know if I would have if I didn't believe in God. I know I'm not dealing with this on my own, ever, and even if I don't know how it will all end, he does.

(@Bella1978, there's a few in the forums who are Christians, and we tend to bring that into conversations with each other now and then. There's no intention of pressuring others, so if it's not your thing, feel free to scroll past. )