Supporting my wife who lives with Borderline Personality Disorder while maintaining self care.

Well now I know there is a word for what I do too, catastrophing. I have always done it to an extent, but its definitely worse now. I think its a normal reaction to what our circumstances are. You want to be prepared for the worst case to try to counteract stuff. Sending kind thoughts your way @Determined

Yeah someone told me that recently also @Janiee . While I understand the theory behind it I think there is a world of difference between catastrophising and someone especially in a caring role planning for the worst with adequate strategies... especially if there is history giving rise to to that concern.

In my mind 'catastrophising' would be more appropriate with 'imagined' potential dangers with no logical foundation for the concern.

(Please understand this is a barb directed at mental health 'professionals' not your comment).

I was given the catastrophising lecture when I went to a councillornto try and implement strategies for the potential fallout after mum in laws passing. Was told what Inwas concerned about may never happen so worry about it if it does. Problem is if it does all fall apart I fall apart with it and then where do we go. So I have had to work out things for myself without 'professional' support.

I imagine in your case and for many here your fears are based on fact and history. In this instance I think it is prudent to have strategies in place for a worst case scenario while planning on and believing in a best case scenario. For me at least knowing there is a predetermined procedure in place should the 'worst' happen gives more confidence to believe in a better outcome.

Rant over lol.

Just at the moment contemplating the coming days and weeks here and reading your post reminded me of the lack of support when weeks ago I tries to get some backup Iin this area. Not your fault. I just wanted to encourage you to not just accept that and think it is all in your head or whatever else someone might want to tell you .

Totally understand your comment wasn't directed at me. I think you are right in what you've said. I've always thought the worse (to be prepared....which it still seems to go pear shaped sometimes anyway) and then I'm pleasently surprised if the best happens. I think its a survival thing we do, to make it, best we can through the day. @Determined

@Determined @Janiee , it's a bit double minded I think. If we were caring for someone with a physical disability, planning for deterioration in line with known progression of the disability would be seen as responsible. Someone with MS is going to have a plan in place for their "low" days where their function drops below its usual levels (which can simply be bad weather- heat hits MS sufferers badly), and they're hopefully going to have plans in place for dealing with the degenerative nature of the condition. As people age, they're encouraged to make plans for when they need to access different levels of help. What triggers will tell them that they need home help, personal carers, to move to aged care accomodation?
Maybe because MI is harder to see, more variable, not as well understood, people don't realise that it can follow similar patterns to physical disabilities and illnesses, and that it is responsible to have back ups in place for the possible eventualities of the condition.
Some of the possibilities that have been in front of us recently are pretty bleak, but by no means improbable. While I hope the worst never happens, it would be so much harder to deal with it if I was constantly telling myself to cheer up and expect great things! I'd rather be at least somewhat prepared, and if the preparation is not needed, wonderful.
On the other hand though, I dont want to become blind to the possible good outcomes either. We can't leave ourselves without any hopes and dreams.

Hi @Determined @Janiee

I had an appointment with my counselor yesterday and we did talk about this a little as I said that the thought of moving again terrified me in one way (as Mr Darcy has gone down hill with each move)

What I got out of the session was it was important to be aware of my heightened responses, knowing they are as they are because we did have a very ordinary period. The crux was to use that awareness as a catalyst to employ better ways of doing things (so I do not replicate the unhelpful coping methods I previously used).

I must say that I have noticed that when I do focus on doing positive things and am proactive in arranging things (that are usually not too expensive) like picnics in places of natural beauty, going to markets, attending free or low cost events put on by councils makes a difference for both Mr Darcy & I. @Determined I don't know if consistently doing a few family things like that (even dragging FIL along) will help give a bit of breathing space and help you adjust to the new reality. You might find being miserable going for a bike ride or a picnic is far more enjoyable than being miserable at home and might just bring a few moments of joy.

That is so well said @Smc + @Former-Member .

@Determined have been thinking especially of you today Bro.

Thanks @Former-Member

Just sitting down now to collect myself.

The last of the guests (Family) are still here talking to Dad. It has been hard morning but we have had some amazing support especially for our boys.

@Determined, while it's a badly overused word, there's a lot to be said for closure. Even though today will not by any means be the last of it, saying goodbye alongside caring friends and family is one of the important bits. I hope there will be lots of little bits of encouragement to remember from today.
Our minister asked us on Sunday what we would say peace is. My answer was that it's like the eye of the storm. We can't stop struggles and strife from happening to us and around us, but we can know that there's a safe place to go to in the middle of it.