Understanding attachment

Oh hugs to you @Phoenix_Rising

it's so hard isn't it, i hate all this stuff. I guess i will have to go through it once i begin the DBT course.

BB xxoo

This came up on my FB feed this morning: https://brickelandassociates.com/consistency-powerful-approach-to-treating-trauma/ It made me think of you @Determined and how hard you work at supporting your darling.

This is why it has been so completely and utterly crushing that my turtle whisperer dumped me. In my world, everybody goes away, everybody leaves. My turtle whisperer dumping me was the single most harmful thing she could do to me.

@Former-Member @Former-Member @CheerBear

@Phoenix_Rising thank you for the link, I will check that out later tonight. I just had a quick look now and the one thing that leapt out at me was consistency... this is what I am hoping to achieve with our boundaries we are working on.

I can emphasize with your emotions regarding your turtle whisperer in the context that I firmly believe that our crisis last year was the result of 3 so called 'friends' abandoning my darling. 1 becauae I called her out on an issue of theft (she stole medication from us) and the other 2 with absolutely no explanation at all, just started ignoring her.

She has had contact with 2 of them recently and both contacts proved to be quite damaging for her. I was discussing with our pastor only this morning my own negative resentful angry emotions attached to this contact. Particually the thief who tried very hard to break my darling and I up. And almost succeeded. I just dont want to see my darling hurt again and we do not need the preasure on our relationship at the moment either.

Also interesting to note, something I have never considered before but seems obvious now, at my last gp visit the gp (or it may even have been my councillor? ) identified in me a high fear of abandonment. Perhaps that is what gives me the strength or drive to hold on to my darling so tightly despite all of our challenges. That and addition to the commitment I made when we were married the thought that if I leave who else has she got ...

I have always been troubled even as a young child by my mothers ability to cut someone off cold when they upset her or cross her or someone she holds dear, sometimes for what me seemed to be a simple misunderstanding. Perhaps that is where my fear comes from? Anyway enough waffle from me, I look forward to reading the article tonight. Trust you have a good day, will be thinking of you.

Hi @Determined,

I definitely find consistency super helpful. I have an extremely long history of people diving in thinking that they are the one to help me, only to then get overwhelmed and dive out again. I must have said a trillion times to various people, do not get closer to me then you can sustain. However, somehow nobody can hear it - everyone seems to think that they are somehow special or different. This is why my turtle whisperer dumping me has been so catastrophic and it has definitely added to the super challenge of trying to have any sense of safety with TTT.

I'm really sorry to hear of how "friends" abandoned your darling. It is so so SO hard and I can very much understand how this could precipitate a crisis for her.

It is really interesting that you have only recently identified your own fear of abandonment. I strongly believe that attachment-based issues are a core contributer to oh so many muddles. I will prattle on for hours about it to anyone who will listen.

Hi @Phoenix_Rising

I just finished reading the linked article and it was quite helpful and encouraging for me to presist with the boundaries we are working on.

Something that came to my attention some time ago an I have considered re my darling why things deteriorated for her as far as coping goes after we were married. I believe now that boundaries (or lack of) are at the core.

When living at home even as an adult my darlings mum had clear behavioural boundaries and expectations, something I saw as a carry over as a parent role, I on the other hand saw her as my wife more as an equal so worked very hard to please her and if she was not happy I needed to try harder. Something that for us has led to a cycle of emotional manipulation 😕 (and I dont say that to be negative, I see it more as my darling trying to create an enviornment where she feels safe without knowing what it is she needs to feel safe).

Me moving about (re boundaries not physically) to try and meet her emotional needs was the opposite to what she actually needs. does that make sense?

@Phoenix_Rising Thank you for the link. This is exactly what my social worker does, consistency. She is the only person I've had in my life who has done this. An ahhh moment, got it. A safe place/person.