Understanding attachment

Hi @Phoenix_Rising

I can totally relate to the therapeutic parenting being done in the context of the client/therapist relationship. My therapist, who is the same age as me, is someone who I now totally trust...I have been seeing her for almost 12 months....the first 6 to 10 sessions we focused on me being able to feel safe during my appointments with her...and learning to trust and talk to her about anything (its taken a long time to acknowledge I can cope as an adult, but for so long it was just the inner children at the various ages and stages of the traumas). For so long my therapist was the adult in the relationship, she was always there and always listened and genuinely cares. She represents the good in adults and is the opposite to the people who abused me in my childhood. And now our relationship has changed and we are both equals. In another life I would consider her a friend as we share a similar sense of humour.

I'd love to write more, but at this stage I've got to get some work done..... will return later.

@Phoenix_Rising As my journey is very much forgotten memories, therapy is a new experience. My social worker, like @NatalieS took things very slowly in order to build trust, though the word trust isn't really what sits well with me, I use it as I don't have another choice. She is my first experience of being treated with respect.

Its a long slow process, but sometimes I see progress.

Do you have any information of trauma before birth?

Hi @Maggie and @Phoenix_Rising

I hope I didn't sound frivolous when I posted about my therapist. It's not been an easy ride for me as I also struggle with trust and safety issues....even two to three months ago-having since learned my therapist was safe and her office was a safe place-I would tell her as soon as I arrived for my appointments that I didn't feel safe and the world wasn't safe and people weren't safe, it seemed like I was back to square one. It's easy for someone to tell you that most people are safe and the world is safe, but when your early life experiences are so negative and painful, your childhood feelings are all you can go on. Trust isn't just given. It's earned.

Anyway, enough from me for now. Take care.

Hi @NatalieS, Thank you for sharing about your experience with your therapist and no, I didn't find your post frivolous at all.

TTT is actually quite a lot younger than me in chronological age. However, as those who know me well in Forum Land have probably picked up, a lot of my way of being in the world is a-typical for a 40 year old. I choose not to openly discuss this part of my muddle in Forum Land, but at the same time, I don't feel a pressing need to hide it.

That's really cool that you feel you and your therapist could be friends under different circumstances. That's how it was with me and my uni counsellor. I am still grieving for her more than two years after she left my world.

@Maggie it is super nice to see you here. Forum Land is so big now, I find it hard to keep up with everyone, which is a bit sad. I'm super pleased to run into you here.

I am so very pleased that you have your social worker. You have been seeing her for quite a long time haven't you??? I am super hoping that TTT will be in my world for a long time too.

I don't know much at all about pre-birth trauma. You did remind me of one thing though. One of my failed therapists was into a thing called Timeline Therapy. It wasn't a good fit for me, but I'm wondering if you might find it interesting? It is part of neurolinguistic programming (NLP) and pre-birth trauma is explored within the model: https://excellenceassured.com/nlp-training/nlp-training-courses-online/how-can-nlp-help-me/timelines-nlp

@Phoenix_Rising it's good to bump into you hear also. I haven't been online much lately, struggling big time.

Yes, I have been seeing my social worker for 13 years now, a very long time and someone I'm very greatful to. Like you, I would stick a stamp on her and post her world wide in order to help as many as possible, your cloning might be a better option though.

I did look at the link you provided, but definately not for me.

I really am very interested in understanding attachment as I never seem to attatch nor connect with anyone. I think I do with my animals, but I guess they are the only ones who could answer, and they cannot speak.

I really have wanted to belong, I think that is a form of attachment, but I have never belonged anywhere either.

@NatalieS I didn't think your response was frivolous at all, it was very informative and honest.

@Maggie Timeline therapy isn't for you either? You can probably see why the psychologist who was into it, was never ever EVERRRRRRRRR going to be a good fit for me! She was therapist-take-two.

I find attachment theory super interesting. I think it explains such a lot of muddles. I really wish more mental health professionals would learn about that sort of stuff rather than being so obsessed with medication and teaching coping skills!

Just imagine if there were more mental health professionals like your social worker and my TTT around, Maggie. Clearly you and I need to learn how to clone people!

@Phoenix_Rising I'm looking forward to my book on attachment coming. What I really like about my social worker is that we are learning together. She never pretends to have the answers, but has worked with abused children and adults for over 30 yrs. she gives us all the credit for knowing something, lived experience knowledge.

Yes @Phoenix_Rising we must learn to clone. 😊😊🙃🙃

Your social worker sounds so super awesome @Maggie.

Hi @Maggie i wish i had a therapist like yours. She sounds like a really nice person who is very helpful for you. Stick with her 🙂

Hi @Phoenix_Rising I struggle understanding attachment because it hurts so much when someone abandons me or rejects me (when in my mind they do that). For eg. when my therapist of 5 yrs decided he could no longer help me and at the end of the session said that's it i cant see you anymore - it was bang a slap in the face, kick in the guts, rejection, abandonment etc etc it all came out and i felt that i was in the wrong, it was all my fault that he was saying this. Yet my rational mind now can see that he couldn't help me but my emotional mind was saying all that. (does that make sense??)

Hi @BlueBay,

Yep, that makes sense. What you are describing is the whole "fear of abandonment" thing, which is explained within the model of attachment theory. It means that on any measure of your attachment style you, like me, would score very high on the "attachment anxiety" scale.

I too superly duperly struggle with abandonment, although as therapist-take-one pointed out, in my case it isn't an irrational fear of abandonment because everyone actually has left my world.