soul’s year of recovery

dear @soul

your new relationship is blossoming and very encouraging for you....

lovely that you both feel comfortable in opening up about your situations gradually...

I can relate to your every word when you describe how you felt about yourself....this is how they keep us there so long....a very difficult subject to broach

I wrote half a dozen responses to you in regard to your first post....not wanting to tread on such a fragile part of you...I wanted to let you know that I understand that you want so much to get it all out ...

there is an urgency in a new relationship...to tell everything about each other...part of the happy hormone that is released I believe ..also such wonder at finding such happiness again...treasure all of this soul.....

you are being open and honest...you are pacing yourself....taking care of your fragility as your ongoing decision to reveal is still yours....

you cant take back what you say...you can control how much you do at any given time...you might as your relationship grows be able to tell all...you might be ready for that in time....this is your experience..your story...your new journey...you are in control and can check in on yourself..

I hope that you understand my intent....this is one area that is so delicate...putting in place a safety net if you do discuss this for your feelings which will be new ...as you have brought the subject to the surface and entrusted them with another....a new experience ...bringing new emotions with it...you cannot be sure of his reaction...will you be constantly wondering? watching his every facial expression? reading things in to his responses or absence of words?

you are a strong woman and your new man is attracted to the beautiful you....trust your own instincts...this is your decision ...noone else"s....my experiences have nothing to do with yours......no need to rush...

@Sophia1 - I read your message earlier today and now will respond. Firstly I am blown away by the time you must have spent to write to me. I appreciate it and have taken on board everything you have said.

I have been talking to my new man this evening and he apologised for burdening me with his work woes last night. He feared that it may have somehow driven me away. I told him that far from that, I felt honoured that he had shared this with me. We spoke about his past depression and I mentioned that I knew a thing or two about being in that state. He was amazed by the empathy I had shown.

However in my situation, things are quite different. What happened was so distressing and awful that I do feel that I need to protect not only myself (from being retriggered) but also him and our blossoming relationship. I know that if I learnt that someone I cared for had undergone such an ordeal, I would feel horrified and probably a bit of disbelief. I don’t want him to treat me any differently to how he currently does. If he knew that I was so severely assaulted on numerous occasions, he may be uncomfortable in how he speaks or acts towards me.

You are right about the safety net. I have managed to rationalise the situation that was something that happened in the past and will only affect me now if I allow it. I can’t change the fact that it occurred but I can recognise that it was a very unhealthy relationship and really should have ended long before it did. I just kept giving my ex the benefit of the doubt and believed him or wanted to believe him when he apologised and said it would never happen again - that he was no longer that man.

I realise that I deserved better than that (my self esteem was damaged so badly as to be completedly non existent) and now I have found myself in a fledgling relationship that proves how wrong the last one was. It took me over a year to get myself into a strong enough frame of mind to even consider finding someone who I wanted to share my life with. I thought I was better off alone. Only now do I have something to offer and am ready to receive and I must say that it is a beautiful thing. He feels likewise and I don’t want anything to jeopardise that.

So I shall play it gently - tell him that I was in an abusive relationship and although I tried my best to improve the situation, I came to the conclusion that I needed to leave. I will repeat that I feel safe and comfortable with him and if I hold back or am in any way uneasy, it is not a reflection on him.

I have watched his interactions with others and also how he speaks about his friends and family. He has a beautiful and thoughtful nature and I am amazed that someone like that has come into my life. Seems that my luck has turned at last.

@Former-Member - have you been back to your home since going to Sydney? I know you had pets there. I know the sibling battle well. I still haven’t had any contact with my sister and younger brother. Better that way.

I will be taking a trip to see my older brother who lives quite a distance away. It will coincide with the one year anniversary of Mum’s passing so it will be nice to reminisce with someone.

Hope you are doing things to take care of yourself. Your Dad is fortunate that you are there to look after his needs. I’m sure he appreciates it. Good that you have new friends - a sense of community is important.

hello @soul

a lot going on here..

very late..

just quisk hello and will write soon..

lovely to hear that you are so happy 💜

Oh gee. Just when I thought that this year would be one where things would be favourable, along comes another crisis. I had to make the very difficult decision to have my beloved dog euthanised when it was discovered that she had a serious and terminal condition.

Hher deterioration was unexpected and sudden. She had slowed down somewhat in the recent past - her walking pace was more of a stroll and the distance was shorter, sometimes skipping her dinner but often eating it the next morning, sleeping more. I attributed this to her getting older - she was nearly years old and was usually quiet in nature in any case.

On Sunday afternoon, she had gone for a long walk with me and had held up better than she had done in a long time. We came home and she ate her post walk chicken neck as normal. She didn’t eat dinner. When I was going to bed, I assumed that she was upstairs as she had become accustomed to hanging out there in her cosy bed at the foot of mine. I found her outside on the grass and had to coax her in.

She settled down on her mat downstairs and I headed up to bed, assuming she would follow in her own time. When I woke, she was still on the mat and for the rest of the morning and afternoon she didn’t move. Her dinner was untouched and during the day I gave her some treats of which she ate a couple. I also put her water dish in front of her and she drank from it.

I became concerned and made an appointment with the vet. My daughter arrived to help me and on hearing the sound of her car engine outside, my dog got up and feebly walked to the door.

The examination by the vet showed that my dog had suffered a ruptured spleen due to hemangiosarcoma (they call it the silent cancer) and wascausing her all sorts of internal problems. This wasn’t detected at her recent check up and there was no way of predicting it. There was an option for emergency surgery which would have to be performed immediately. Following this, if she survived the procedure, she would need a week in hospital to recover. Survival rate was estimated to be two weeks to perhaps six months at the very best. We made the decision not to go through with that. My daughter called my son and the three of us spent some time saying goodbye.

This precious pooch has been my comfort during some truly challenging times in my life including the passing of both my father and mother and my return to Australia after the abusive relationship ended and now that she is gone, there is an overwhelming sadness.

Mercifully, she went quickly and in not too much pain. I miss her more than words could express.

@soul

always such a shock...

a great loss..

you lost your soul animal whom you would probably have cuddled with and cried with such difficult times..

my soul cat was with me through my experience with the narcissist...he shared so many moments of grief..

they are both at peace...not suffering..

forever in our hearts..

@soul 😖😢🌹

@soul

It is such a difficult thing to go through, but it was good you had your family around you.