rough time

@Sans911 I cant really look any further than today. It already overwhelms me looking ahead. I know its all supportive but it still gets overwhelming so Im trying to only look at today and take it hour by hr. it still scares the crap out of me.

I know I wont fit with everyone, thats life I suppose and is inevitable. I did try my best to discuss things with the psych I have/had but she really didnt want to come to the table either even when I asked if she could explain what shes doing quite a few times so ive decided to go elsewhere. I am looking into seeing a dbt therapist. If her books are still open in february and also if she can do the MCHP otherwise its going to cost a bomb.

What youve said about hospital is exactly what I think as thats whats happened everytime I was open and honest. As soon as ive meantioned my thoughts like im strugging with SI/SH and that I need abit of help they always try to send me to hospital. I know thats a way to keep safe and ive gone there myself once or twice and handed myself in but I would really rather stay outside. I didnt do anything this time which I know was a mistake and what id done couldve been avoided and was stupid but I think the lesson this time was I cant do it on my own and that I need support.

That is my downfall- when I get into certain states or dont catch things early it spirals so fast I struggle to get a grip on things and then one ting leads to another and end up shutting down rather than asking for support or help. I would still like to work on my strategies with you and everyone if your still up for it???

and I am so proud of you for going to hospital, you went quiet yesterday and I was getting worried, I always worry about you whether your ok or not but more so when you go quiet and I know your struggling.

with my triggers, I know quite a lot and the situations but sometimes I dont know how to handle them which I suppose ill end up working on but a lot come so un expected o dont know what they are and have been told that a lot of my triggers are also subconscious so like last night I have no ide what that was over yet I had a panic attack. Makes no sense.

I know right now like you im very sensitive to triggers and im no where near out of the danger zone yet but the supports are a start right...?

and thank you heaps for your help, I really do appreciate it

@outlander good I am glad you did that. Dont worry about any backlash just take care of yourself and let anything negative slide off your back better still ignore it. Just take care of yourself which is what you are doing and I can already see a huge difference in you from last week it is amazing the change.

@MDT self awareness Is both good and bad. Good for obvious reasons but bad because it seems when your self aware you get questioned more about your mh state. I can function still with everything going on, I always have been able to and I dont know why. I have been asked that by a few mh professionals and I think its just because im so use to it that I just do it sort of thing, it also kidna reduces the pressure I feel from everyone as well.

Talking it out here with people who get it and may also have experince helps too as I can learn a lot from other people and get adcive, tips sort out my thoughts as well.

Oh yes 150 a session is a lot! I used my mhcp in well 3 months as I was going every second week. I think I stuck around with this psych for a few reasons- one was to please my mother. She asked the other day if I was still seeing this psych as I said no as I dont fnd her helpful at all. Got that mothers face look. Didnt push it just left it. The other is I really didnt want to change and I wanted to work with her and work out the differences and things I couldnt understand etc but she didnt want to do that no matter how many times I asked and in different ways as well. And also because she doesnt run through the mhcp, she runs in a more affordable way where I just pay the medicare gap fee and she does the rest on her behalf with medicare etc.

medications yes are hard, thats why everything is done slowly but right now I needed to do things a bit quicker. The original plan was to go onto the mood stablisers (a few months ago but never did through professional lack in communication) then decrease the anti-depressants so it helps with my weight becoming more manageable as I have the physical stuff to keep on top of as well but this time it all just happened all at once.

Lol all good about referencing, but yes its hard to trust when a lot of things have happened. I am trying my best to basically restart over and try it all again. It doesnt make it any easier but its a start and hopefully I can keep up with it as well. I dont talk about my SA, never ever will I talk about that to a mh professional, maybe when im a lot a lot older but by then im hoping with talking about my other traumas etc I can learn to cope with that too on my own accord. I will talk about basically anything all with hesitations of course but I am willing to work with all of those including the sh and SI but the SI is the one I hesitate a lot with but sort of talk about with them in small amounts out of that fear but im working on that. and thank you for your help as well, much appreciated!

she seen the msg and hasnt said anything. i really know whats going on and that is setting me off so atm i am panicing. the nightly meds are out of my system abit now so may take a drive or something and just go be at peace somewhere for abit rather than being in the 4 walls. its cold here today so is a better day for a drive. i have cleaned out my car so its a more safe environment as well. @Bunniekins if i cant control myself i know the psych team will pick up on it so who knows what tomorrow will bring but right not hr by hr and today is all that matters.

@outlander My dad used to throw things at us like saucepans and teapots. He did it too my mum and my sister all the time ... it was walking on eggshells for most of the time in our house but what made it worse was sometimes he could be so nice he was like a Jeckle and Hyde. You just didnt know. We were having an arguement once and he threw a glass of wine in my face and no one did anything. I will never forget it.

The thing is you have to ignore the negative and concentrate on the positive that you are doing really well in the past 24 hours. Dont let your mothers reaction to you having your own life bring you down.xx

you always seem to know when to push or to leave it or what to say, are you sure your not a psych? @Sans911 though nurses are amazing too!

i was more settled but am panicing but at least i know whats set that off so am hoping to go for a drive somewhere for a little bit before i go see my sister and dinner time comes around. we will be going out and makes me nervous but will be ok. ive got my pocket buddies as in you guys. actually i am hoping your ok with this so want to run it by you first- i was thinking of buying like a safe object. i like jewellery as i can wear it all the time. i found an item that made me think of you and the way you say 'my angel' and my forum friends here. i was going to buy it but wanted to run by you first as i know thats your thing- i get told off using that line 😉

if its not i will find another item, but my forum family is the thing that makes me feel safe and the best thing i can find is something i can wear or have with me all the time.

i am glad your fighting for yourself, i am so proud of you for that! i am so so so glad your safe but not surprised your exhausted. you really mean alot to us here. i wish i could come and give you a big hug. i know we'll get through this (eventually) so step by step and we can all do that together

you would think id be used to the emotional abuse stuff by now but it really doesnt get any easier. i can already feel whats coming later on today. its making me very tense and thinking i shouldve just went but tbh i know im not well both mentally and physically and being around all those kids and me with a weak heart cant say no to helping them and im thinking it would be detrimental to my health at this point in time. my gp told me to take it easy as well. you cant just walk out of hospital from something like that and be perfectly fine.

and im sorry that happened to you what a bas**d sorry @Bunniekinsbut that is just mean and un called for. my mother isnt physical, its the things she doesnt say and when she does boy id rather run. i can read her like a book and that makes it hard too as i know exactly what it is shes thinking.

i am more settled and it helped talking it out here and with HC yesterday. its really hard to just focus on the positives even though i do like them