rough time

I think you have logged and are sleeping lil Sis. I am sorry you didn't get my response before then. Good my angel & sweet dreams-we will talk in the morning @outlander

Good morning @outlander. How are you feeling today?

I hope you are still alseep atm. Will talk soon sweetie

Will respond to both posts on here @Sans911 you made me rather teary writing what you have here. Im still trying to keep to the sleep routine ive got going. Sometimes I dont stick to the time limit here but it doesnt bother me and Im finding I know when to log off as well now.

@Snowie will tag you here too

last night wasnt good, yesterday I got bitten so many times by mozzies (I counted 10 last night) ( wet grounds sitting near longer grass all day) I had like an allergic reaction of some sort and they come up in welts and scratching like crazy no matter what creams I was using and im naturally an olive slightly darker shade skin colour and I got so burnt yesterday that I look like im wrapped in a kit kat wrapper (very red) so I couldnt itch too much either. Thankfully most of the smaller bites have gone down its just more the bigger ones and the more sensitive areas like the top of my foot and inner wrist. I finally got to sleep about 1230ish though but was woken up at 2am by really bad stomach pain. It felt like my abdomen was going to explode. I mustve got into a deeper sleep quickly though casue it was like dreaming. Those weird dreams where you think your in pain but your not but no this one was real I was very much awake after I was awake abit more. I was up for a while with that and took some relief and antacids and finally settled down after a while. Was up at 6 though and stayed up but watching tv in bed.

I dont really have any plans, this morning I helped pop with something, and had to wait around for a pony to be picked up from a transport company. A little later ill need to go hand a key back to another horse owner as she asked me to feed her horse while she was away so needed the key to her shed. We are catching up abit later on.

Sometimes I dont know what is too much and what isnt until im already commited. Im learning.. slowly. A lot of my expectations of myself come from others which are obviously high but its been like it for a long time too that its hard to question is its too much in my eyes too. So maybe those dbt skills will help with that too.

I am afraid of so many things but relating to this it is hurting others. I dont like the idea that me saying no is putting pressure onto others. My middle sister whos nearly 16 has only just started doing chores around the house for pocket money (as well as her horse and sporting commitments etc) And that sounds like a good idea. Its mostly the morning- an hr to help get her sister ready, vaccuming and dishes and maybe a chore here and there or just helping the youngest sister out with something every now and then. It doesnt sound unreasonable but my mind is running a thousand miles an hr thinking she will become a slave. That she will have all these pressures too and I can already see she doesnt and neither will the the youngest sister (besides the general use your manners, chores for pkt money (some without) and the expectation to help with their horses) so that is good.

The end of next week is a really significant date/s and I dont know how I will go with that. That is scaring the crap out of me.

im conflicted about well not boundaries- I think I have a good understanding of those but I worry that if I talk about whats happening it drags others down esp those im close to on here, or that others think im pushing them away for not talking because im scared or worried about talking about whats is wrong or my thoughts etc. the reason I say I dont know who to talk to is because I remember someone telling me (offline) a few times that I need to work things out on my own and that I rely on others too much. i get a sense I annoy people a lot- it feels like me being alive annoys people.

I trust very little people. I have a few here you and Snowie included and I know that you understand that part so thats another reason I dont know who to talk to. I dont want to abuse that trust either and make anyone feel pressured to talk to me.

So ive learnt to also work a lot of things out of my own with the skills ive learnt here and offline so it doesnt escalate so much now. Thinking before I type essentially and asking myself if I really need help with _____ or can I work on it myself.

I dont want to be this 'troubled soul' I want to have those qualities that you can see. I feel so boring and numb to the good things. maybe its the thought I dont deserve it, maybe its just everything. I dont really know. You know how you want to smile but you just cant... its kinda like that it feels forced.

@outlanderthat is almost an essay!!
Firstly sunburn and mozzies, yuk.

I think the idea of doing too much is trial and error and can change from day to day depending on how our day is going. Sometimes I can cope with lots, other days I cannot cope with anything or very little.

I have gathered you find it difficult to say No, especially to your family but sometimes saying No isn't a bad thing. It is to let others know your boundaries and also you need to think about what is most helpful for you.

@outlanderI have to feed the four legged furry ones before I become dinner, then I am going to respond to your post. I need a bit of time to respond to it, so I just wanted you to know that is what I am doing ok?

Oh boy @outlander I hope you are ready for my essay

if your on your phone ill probably be able to read it tomorrow with your one finger typing 😉 @Sans911 just kidding

@outlander that you should stick to a routine bed-time. I understand you say it doesn’t bother you, but a regular bedtime helps regulate your body and prepare for rest. When you change the time around frequently it never knows when to start powering down. Even if you do something mundane like read, fold some clothes, just do something low key energy wise. Make a full routine of logging off, brushing your teeth, getting dressed, in whatever order, gets you into a habit you longer think about after a while.

Right now, I am still struggling with getting my energy levels back. And sometimes in the last 2 weeks I forget that essentially for over 6-8months I did very little except attend medical appoints or being a patient in hospital. I also had surgery in that time, and tore muscles in my left shoulder. Yes, some days I do overdo things. And I certainly know about it. I just try to ensure I don’t pack too much into my days, and I make time for recovery, self care and rest.

These things, for me anyway, are very hard to do. I used to be very active, often worked double shifts, exercised and did other things. It’s very hard to slow down, but it’s absolutely neccesary. I have extremely high expectations of myself, because I could rarely do right by others and was told I wouldn’t amount to much because I was useless, slow, blah, blah. I have spent my whole life pleasing others. Nothing has changed about that unfortunately, but I realise it is no longer viable, and serves no purpose. I need to find who Sans911 is, and what pleases her, what SHE wants to do for HER. I am slowly learning too.

I too thinks it is great that your sister is doing chores. But remember, she isn’t you. She has her own mind. I know you love her and want to protect her, but she is getting old enough to know right from wrong and when enough is enough. Give her space and time to make decisions, but support her in these too. She will value you for that. Saying no doesn’t mean hurting others. It is protecting you. There is a way to say no, maintain respect and humility. I have a fantastic DBT sheet for this.

I hear you say there is something really important happening the end of next week, and you are really scared. We can work on that this week too.

Have you ever heard of Brene Brown? She is amazing. She is a researcher that through her work realised the importance of boundaries, being vulnerable and other similar things. I highly recommend watching her TED Talks or You Tube videos this week.

As for someone telling you to work things out on your own, well geez, why aren’t you fixed yourself already???!!!!! So I gather that person is perfect in every way, right? It’s like a Dr telling me that because I am a nurse I should have better insight!!!!! Seriously?? Next, a brain surgeon will be able to operate on his own brain. Sheesh. Those are the words of an ignorant person.

Just talk however you want to talk lil Sis. Just let the words out. Hun, you are ONLY 21 years old!! I am 48 years old, and still struggle at times to get the right words or even string a proper sentence together. Yeah, I understand the feeling about ‘being alive annoys people’. Outlander, have more faith in your own abilities and character. I don’t even know you in person but I know you have wonderful qualities. I often think sometimes it is people with mental illness that really are the smart, clever ones, while many of the rest of the people lack understanding, empathy and fail to see clearly how amazing these people are. Because of our sensitive, vulnerable natures we are easily wounded by slight bruises to our ego and confidences in our own abilities.

You have never abused my trust, and I think @Snowie and others would probably say the same. I think in fact you should trust us more. We can all learn from each other (and the professionals) how to look after ourselves and not get so overwhelmed by things. It is a slow and steady process, but working together takes the pressure of having to figure it out alone. I have no objection anytime you want to ask me something, or learn things together. Sometimes I can’t always do it then and there; it might be days later. And perhaps sometimes you think that behind this screen I have too much in my life going on to give thinking time to you. What you can’t see or know until now is that there are many times often I come across articles on the Internet, Facebook or elsewhere and I will think...Ah, that’s a fantastic article/topic to talk to you about. Like I have said to you before, I see so much potential in you. You are so eager to learn, and despite everything you are going through, you are so resilient and open to change. You are all those wonderful qualities that I and others see. What you have to do is to see those too and believe them. I too have that same challenge and task.

So....DBT skills this week

Radical Acceptance

Getting to saying No

Coping Ahead

Self Respect/Self Validation Orientation

@SnowieYou are more than welcome to join in these 'learning journeys'. I will do them on my thread, so they are in a central place, and you can come back and read them when you can

Haha you are so cheeky-typical lil Sis talk. I am on my laptop, and actually copied your essay to my word document, typed with many hands, and voila. So there @outlander

haha that was very quick! @Sans911

you only prewrote it so i could read it tonight didnt you 😉