rough time

@Snowie Yep I know the feeling except Dr G didnt want to give me anymore so I wouldnt turn into a zom .... To Late! I think I am there. It is an awful feeling isnt it I dont know what is worse to be honest ...

@SnowieI feel to get through this and make some steps forward I need to talk about that incident with the dog. Its been 5 yrs and its making my life more of a living hell than it needs to be so I do agree in that aspect at least. She explained herself well today and I got most of what she was saying until she hit a certain part as ill describe in a sec....

@Zoe7 your right there about our arguments, I guess im just use to having an argument it can be hard to change that mindset of ok I need to get this point across but without whimpering out but without becoming more frustrated and expecting her to bite every time I say something.

Since youve put the Zoe Method that way it kind of sounds like turning negatives into positives but again its different. I often forget to do it as you do it with me rather than on my own so I need to write it down somewhere with a possible desciption so I can have a quick reference.

In answer to your second part of the question with the psychologist. Um its abit of both im trying to word it how she said it to me and in the context. She asked me what my history was with the treatments ive had. I said I went into the suicide prevention program and had 7 weeks which we based on coping strategies, working out the reasons why I SH (as in overwhelmed punushment etc) and we also talked abit more about the diagnoses and how it affects me both mentally and physically.

I didnt tell her about the other psychs I had except the recent one. I said that my family kept calling me attention seeking and they said the the only way they were going to believe me that I really needed hospital and needed help was if I went to a psychologist they chose because they went to them a few yrs ago and liked them. I explained to her that I didnt feel comfortable and also spoke to her about what she was talking about, asked her to explain things, and also let her know that her comparing me to my mother from her past sessions. I let her know that I was with her for 11 sessions and tried my best to work out my issues with her and what I wasnt understanding but it really wasnt working out and thought it was best if I changed and thats when I seen her.

We talked about the triggers, I explained to her that ive listed them as shes asked being easier to harder but I said I think if I was to work on some slightly harder stuff then the easier stuff might not seem so scary and might not need to work on them and she agreed that might work.

Then she said- I had ideas on what to do with you but theres more to you and I cant work out what it is. She said maybe its within but she isnt sure. She said I (as in me) understand the concepts shes putting across and I have all these strategies to use but........hmm im not to sure...... then went onto something else. Then she started up by saying we need to do more indepth stuff and that I need to work out where I want to start. And I said im not really sure where to start but the thing sticking out at me right now is the dog incident and atm it is ruleing my life. She focussing on the social and isolation side of things these next 2 weeks and has given me homework-as always

She said this session she would like to work on an agreement with me- that being some of the basics I need to achieve each day/week and to recognise they are helping so.. this is some of the agreement we have made:

- continue with the social group im already attending

-continue being a carer for pop

-continue to go to the horses

- continue exercise bike 5/7 days for minimum 15 minutes

- continue with my walks and she wants me to get up earlier and go walking as others are more social in the mornings even though its only eye contact and general 'morning' as we pass but my usual walks dont require much social interaction

- I need to do my artworks minimum an hr 2/7 days.

-continue to practice my coping skills

So as well as these shes added in that I need to have a look at other social outings and have something organised for when the social group im in finishes up in 6 weeks.

@outlandersounds like a lot happened in an one hour session. Phew, I would have been exhausted. It is good that you are trying to achieve some things each week and they seem like good goals to have.

If you want to work through the dog incident and that is what is affecting you the most atm, then that sounds like a good thing to do. Just remember, you are paying for her service, you are in control of what is discussed and worked on in those sessions.

So from what you have written @outlander I still don't get where you have got the idea that she thinks you are 'putting it on' - all of what you have written sounds really positive - so is that just what you are thinking in your own head or did she say something specificially that gave you that impression?

"I had ideas on what to do with you but theres more to you and I cant work out what it is. She said maybe its within but she isnt sure. She said I (as in me) understand the concepts shes putting across and I have all these strategies to use but........hmm im not to sure...... " then went onto something else

she was really hesitant in syaing that particularly the part where she said i understand and i have all these coping strategies to use but...." when we were talking when that popped up i was talking about these things and because i am good at being self aware now ive had alot of people question me about it and if im 'lying. maybe its just me but it was the hesitation when she was saying i have all these strategies but.. and then didnt finish that train of thought and then started writing something down.

we often have awkward silences but that is often on my behalf because she will say something i never know if shes actually finished talking or no and then ill go to say something then she will start again.

@Zoe7

alot always seems to happen in these sessions @Snowie but i guess its good too. her and i both know i dont really have alot of sessions to work with so instead of working on surface stuff that i can try and handle myself i think its better to go indepth. i would much rather work on the dog thing as its known to others where as the SA isnt and wont be. i know that wont just go away either but i dont think anything really ever does we just manage it and time goes by and it gets abit easier.

ive just gotten all my reports back from the physios etc to give to my gp and geezus im looking at what they have written all in their complex terms but done research, hoping they can be better managed to what they are now. everything that ive got according to the reputable sites they cant be fixed and they will get worse but i can manage and delay the processes so thatll be my aim. next gp appt is going to be pretty daunting i think in a week and a bit

@outlandergood work for getting all your reports together for the gp. Yes might be daunting, but at least the gp will know exaclty what is happening physically to you and might be able to help you more.

I know your sessions are limited hun, so it probably best to stick to the in depth issues.

So she hasn't actually said you are 'puttingit on' @outlander you are reading that into what she said! To me she is still trying to work out what direction would be best to take you in considering you do know the strategies but which ones would work best for you - as not all strategies work for all people and in all circumstances. If she sees what we see then she is most likely seeing someone who is self-aware (and in many cases wise beyond her years) but on the other hand is still young with a lot to work out in her life - and I am sure there is a lot of 'stuff' you haven't told her and she can sense there is more to you than what you have said already!

thank god for emails! @Snowie sent a few out. oh im actually waiting on one other which is that phyiso i told you about. but i only sent that today after finding an older report from him. ive got lots of reports to take with me thats for sure.

im hoping to see her maybe once a month after the 10 sessions are up and will ask about the extra 5 but not sure about those as its usually for alternative things like physio etc. so harder it is but im hoping it is for the best. she said after a few sessions if things are getting too much then we can pull back but will see how i go with things. i have 2 weeks in between each sesison so i need to just keep practing the skills i have and will learn over time to keep coping and adjusting to the changes.

@outlanderhopefully you can see her for those 5 extra sessions, would be beneficial to you.