rough time

hugs @Former-Member we are here if you want to chat

So I feel I owe you guys an explaination. I know what your responses are to that already but I feel I should say it anyway. I do apologise for making you all worry. and im sorry if this is a little jumbly- matches the way i feel really.

I was online very early wednesday morning but before then I already wasnt coping at all and it was so hard to even come online then but it was easier being here than in my own head but wednesday morning I gave up fighting. I just really couldnt do it anymore. I didnt reach out for help, I felt I couldnt and I didnt deserve it. I let my depression take me away into that dangerous state and stayed there. I didnt fight it, I felt everything yet nothing and I didnt want to be alive anymore. It was like watching my life slip away and basically went through my entire life of what it was, what it is and looking at what my life will be if I stayed, it wasnt pleasant at all and really it fuelled the depression more. I stayed in my room, I dont even remember getting up except for the bathroom. I tripped over a few times, I couldnt get a grip on anything so just crumbled and literally just stayed there. My pop wasnt home for those 2 days that I was that bad but he knows I went to the hospital as he was home then. . Friday morning, I ended up at the emergency department and psych ward till late yesterday arvo like around 5 or 6 oclock. I spent abit of time in the ED before being transferred to the psych ward. they basically sedated me and made me sleep for the entire time I was there. I remember moving but not sure how either as the hospital I was at has a short stay place in the same hospital and not far from the ED. Id forgotten how id even gotten there or what for and really freaked out when I woke up late friday night .I was given a prn and the nurses took me for a short walk around the ward when I had calmed and was a little more steady on my feet.

I basically forced myself to be ok when the team came around on saturday so they could release me, I know that was stupid but I really couldnt stay there. The sleep (remember I hadnt slept basically at all in almost 3 weeks with most nights not sleeping) even though it was forced helped abit. It gave me a bit of a reset. Im still not out of the woods yet as I still have a lot of those thoughts and just being mentally unwell- I guess as you learn you can start to tell the better states from the bad. Im still in a bad state, and physically from previous days. so they have the psych team coming out wednesday of next week plus I get a phone call from them on friday. I see my gp on monday as well so 3 supports in that week, basically until I stabilise abit more unless they gp or psych team think I need to be back into hospital. They gave me one dose of their sleeping meds to take at home which I used last night and feel like a walking zombie but better than being awake.

When I spoke to the psych team in there, I realised what had set me off in the first place. Basically from now until late february was when I was SA every day. I also drove past the place of the dog attack as well but couldnt avoid it a few days before that . So there has been a lot happpening even without really realising it and with no sleep it has really been horrible to say the least. I dont really know what made me reach out that little bit further. I didnt want that help I really just wanted to slip away and never be seen or heard from again but why didnt I. I dont really know, probably you guys here and the connections I have here. Again im really sorry I didnt reach out to you guys and I made you worry but i coudnt put you all through that either

. For now im at home and watching a movie as the weather is cold and windy but sunny. I might sit outside for abit if the wind dies down.

I do want to share a song with you guys though:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_aWblXiMYCo

@Former-Member@Bunniekins@Former-Member@Sans911@NatalieSand everyone following and reading

@Former-Member@Mazarita@Queenie@Shaz51@MDTabove msg ^^^

i should also meantion that i am safe and im doing a little better today despite everything going on.

@outlanderit is hard to reach out for help and I can understand that withdrawal from here, we all do it at times. I am super glad that something somewhere inside of you decided to fight and you got the help you deserved and needed. Hopefully your GP will take your sleeping issues a bit more serious now. It angers me that the people who are in charge of looking after us can sometimes become our undoing. But saying that, hopefully whilst you were in hospital you had caring and thoughtful nurses and doctors.

Robin Sharma said "The beautiful thing about setbacks is, they introduce us to our strengths" (you know how I love quotes!)

We all have setback at times but the strength in you got you the help you needed. Lean on your supports irl and on here to get you by these next few months if that is what is needed.

Remember you are not alone in this @outlander

@outlander Thank you for letting us know what happened. Everyone I think at some stage needs a bit of time away from the boards but please let us know what your intentions are. We love out outlander and worry ourselves if you just disappear when you have been so unwell. xx

Great to hear from you @outlander

I dont really know, probably you guys here and the connections I have here. , @outlander, we were sending you all our loving, tender hugs , caring vibes to you , soooo happy you are back

sending you Hugs @Former-Member, @Bunniekins, @Former-Member, @Sans911, @Former-Member

@Shaz51 Hugs to you too Shaz51 hoping you are having a really nice day today and that the weather has cooled off where you live xx

35 degrees up here @Bunniekins, very hot , just relaxing watching 4x4 shows -- Mr shaz`s favourite

@Shaz51 4x4 shows lol 🙂 Oh well ... what can you do? Hope you get a change in the weather later.xx