rough time

@Lee82 Are you safe my friend?

I'm so sorry Nikki I just wasn't coping very well. Had to lock myself in my room for a while cause I had a panic attack. I don't like my kids see it. They have witnessed it once before last year and I swore I would never let them see it again. Lucky they were watching a movie together in my oldest sons room.
Wow Izzy has a pretty big family. My mum is from a big family. She is 1 of 9 however I only have 1 brother who is divorced with no kids.
we use to be an extremely close big family. I spent a lot of time with my cousins however now they don't talk to me anymore since a bit about my past came out. They chose sides with 2 of the men who sexual abused me. I lost a lot of people in my life all because I spoke the truth about my past. It wasnt by choice to tell. I have 3 fears about telling my story to anyone...first was I wouldn't be believed, second was that I would lose family and friends because of it and third was that it would spilt up the family and guess what.....all three happened plus my husband left me cause he didn't want to deal with my depression/anxiety/PTSD. He cheated on me with 2 of our friends. One was while I was hospitalised after I had a massive breakdown and the other was just before he left me.
sorry got a bit off track there.
I also love Harry Potter and Marvel. My boys and I watch all the Marvel movies together. How is your night going? @Former-Member

@Former-Member

I just wanted to add that I feel very honoured that you feel comfortable enough to open up to me Nikki. You and Izzy are very special to me and I feel very connected to the both of you even though I have just met you. That is a very rare thing. I wish we could meet outside the forum too. We have a lot in common good and bad.

Family's can be hard work @Lee82 , Izzy's step mum and dad, elder sister and eldest of her brothers sided with exh1 when she left and we don't see most of the family because they think Izzy is schizophrenic and too much like her bio mum.

It's hard to know what to say but Izzy experienced the same thing. She finally had the courage to tell her aunty what her husband did and they broke up. But last year they got back together and now she doesn't talk to izzy and it can make family functions hard. I am so sorry that your family sided with your abusers, that doesn't help with how you feel about who's fault it is at all. Just remember not your fault. I am sorry your husband wasn't strong enough for you, sounds like his loss though you are a wonderful human. Just as the abuse was not your fault neither was him cheating on you. NEVER EVER let him make you feel like that, you did nothing wrong. I know that story they tell you well.

I was the same when my kids where younger, I would hid, have long showers or go for a walk and have a meltdown/panic attack out of their sight. Never apologise for taking time out for you. I will always understand.

I just spent the last hour cutting my puppy's fur. She managed to find a bunch of black bindies and they where to many just to pull out. Bloody hell my back is saw now. Watching the second Advengers movie.

I am not sure how much we are allowed to share. What state are you in? Izzy lives on the Southside of Brissy, kinda wish we lived on the Gold Coast because of the beaches.

How are you feeling at the moment my friend. Nikki

@Former-Member

You are so right Nikki. Families are hard work. I can't believe her step mum and siblings sided with xeh1. That is absolutely terrible. That must have been real tough to handle. F**k families. They cause more pain then they are worth. I was extremely close to my two female cousins. One was 1 year older than me the other 6 months. We were inseparable. More like sisters. We all had kids around the same time however my kids were a few years older than theres. I was a god mother to 1 of their kids and that was all taken away from when they decided to side with one of the abusers. It was the brother of the female cousin that is 1 year older than me. Their children were very special to me and I miss them very much.
Good on Izzy for telling her Aunty. That is some amazing strength right there. The Aunty is just as bad as her husband and she is not worthy of Izzy. All these people...what the hell is wrong with them? I don't understand. I can't understand what goes through their minds. They are all no better then the abusers. They can all go to hell. I know what it's like to have to endure family functions with them around. I had to do that for many years as I was a young child and wasn't able to say I didn't want to go. They were excruciating. As I got older. I would just drink the pain away. I would drink until I was numb. So much for parental supervision.

I still have to have some sort of relationship with my husband for the kids sake and every time he comes Over to pick the boys up it brings all that shit up again and I end up spending my time off from the kids feeling like shit. It's just not fair that even after we are separated he still has this power over me.

although I still see my mum she was a very toxic person in my life from a very young age. She is very narcissistic. She made my childhood hell. I have so many stories I could tell. Mum issues plays a big part in my state of mind. She contributed to ruining my life. Unfortunately she now lives a couple door down from me as my ex moved us up here when I was very unwell and in hospital. Basically so my mum could look after my kids and he wouldn't have to deal with it all. She is very good to my kids which I am so grateful for. They love her to bits so I would never do anything to jeopardise that.

Damn, I live in miserable Melbourne. Would love to live in Brissy though. You must have some great weather. I absolutely hate the cold and it's bloody freezing at the moment.

I am feeling quite sick actually. I think the panic attack has affected me a lot. I feel very heavy and shaky.
how are you feeling?

I wish I could give you a hug right now (eeew, I am not a hugger, but I would gladly give one to you) I am sorry to hear you are feeling so unwell right now. I actually hate the warm weather up here apart from being able to swim in the ocean that is. Are you boys in bed yet? Do you have time to take care of you now?

I am so sorry you lost you cousins and your godchild that's pun must have been unbearable. Izzy use to drink it away too, her step grandmother never noticed either she would come home off her face and they never said a word. I remember having the same feelings about my exh1 and his control over my life because of the children. I never said a bad word against him, meanwhile they would put me down all the time, change plans at the last minute and make it look like I forgot to pick them you. He would wait till he pissed me off and then he would put the phone on speaker and all the kids would hear was me kissing my shit. After my son turned 18, Izzy sat their three kids down and explained to them while she would never just put their father down for the sake of it, since they where adults she was no longer take his shit either. Surprisingly they all said about time.

I am doing ok apart from eating a whole lemon madeira cake I am good. Do you have time for you tonight my friend. I wish you weren't so far away @Lee82

Maybe I should put her glasses on there are some funny word choice is that last message 😂 @Lee82

@Former-Member

I would gladly accept that hug ( I am a hugger however only to a very few selected people) I miss hugs. They can be very comforting sometimes.
I love the warm weather. Wish we had more of it down here. I am totally bummed we live so far away from each other.

Boys have been in bed a while now. Just getting Easter pressies ready. I am really not great at taking care of me. Something I find extremely difficult to do and also know how important it is.

I have to admit sometimes I still drink the feelings away. Especially in times like these. I also never say a bad word about my kids dad to them no matter how hard it is to do. It doesn't make it any easier that the kids hate spending the weekend with their dad as he has a girlfriend and they are feeling like he doesn't care about them anymore. He is forever cancelling on them even though he only has them 2 nights a fortnight. I hate that he has moved on and so very quickly too. It was only 6 months after we separated that he met her.
So glad Izzy was able to tell the kids about their father. That must have been a very big weight lifted off her shoulders. Children can be very intuitive. They see and sense a lot more than we know. Which frightens me some times. I am so happy that the children are still by her side. It makes my heart warm.

I have a very long night ahead of me. Please let me know if you feel you need to get some sleep. I don't want want to keep you from looking after you and also Izzy.

Izzy is a huge hugger, it kinda drives the rest of us crazy. Izzy is no good at taking care of herself at all either. I miss doing Easter pressies and Easter hunts for my kiddies. The kids are great Imin the fact they know that Izzy would never do anything to ruin their relationship with their dad and even though they have asked she has never told them why she left either. Izzy moved in with exh2 and his mother (they have been best friends for 25 yrs and they weren't dating at the time, mind you that what everyone thought) and my god people went to town on her for that. They started dating maybe a year and a half af she left exh1 and took another 3 before they got engaged. It really sucks he moved one so quickly and that his boys are not a priority for him at the moment. I can tell you that he will regret this later, kids have long memories and don't forgive easily.

Can I ask a question? It's personal and completely none of my business and won't get offended if you don't want to answer

There is no need for the children to know the real reason why. I have been through that and it was hell. Mum was very forward at telling me every little detail about my dad and what he did and from a young age too. She would call me out of bed at around 6/7 to watch my dad beat her. As I got older she would discribe all the horrible things my dad did to her in the bedroom and behind closed doors. I had to grow up very very early. I had to pick my mum up off the floor all bloodied up some times after my dad would beat her. Mum loved to play mind games with me all the time. She would yell at me all the time for showing my emotions and call me horrible names. I was going through a lot as I teenager trying to deal with all that had happened to me and I didn't cope emotionally but I was taught to hide my emotions because mums emotions was all that mattered. She now has a 13 year girl with her partner and seeing her life and how very different mum acts with her tears my heart apart and unfortunately I am very jealous of mums daughter and wished I had her upbringing. It shows me that mum was capable of being different. Supportive and kind and loving. Being around them brings up a hell of a lot of pain and anger. Mum did a lot wrong with me and I can never forgive her.
I don't understand why everyone had a problem with Izzy moving on with her life. They should have been commending her for being so strong at being able to move on after exh1.

Of course you can ask any question you like. So ask away. @Former-Member