rough time

it is hard @Snowie he doesn't wanted to be 'baby sat' as he calls it so itl be ok with family. ive asked if anyone can stay but they cant but they can come for an hour or 2 each day and theres 3 or 4 willing to help here and there so between them im hoping things will be ok. ill be leaving a list of numbers just in case. pop barely knows how to use a phone though so ill make sure I have the numbers in his phone with instructions or something. he wouldn't handle being away from home unless he goes to his brothers but he doesn't want to go there so im feeling quite stuck.
I was speaking to my mother today and shes still trying to be controlling abit. we are gone for 3 days and she says I can still come out and do whatever and I told her that ill be at the hospital for half or more on the day of pre-op then the next day is the surgery and after that im not going anywhere.
she doesn't know im trying to arrange nursing care either, not sure how well that's going to go down and I feel selfish for it but I honestly want to know theres someone around that I can trust and isn't going to overwhelm me every minute of the day.
she aslo told me I need to take pop the day before but im not going to. 2 hours drive there and then id have to takr him home and then drive back up. its to difficult so im just going to go on my own and family can come up later.


Yeah I do agree, its hard when your constantly going up and down but don't feel like your getting anywhere. I do hope that when you start to feel ok with the new psych youll be able to do some more trauma work and make some further steps forward.

Yes @Zoe7 maybe you are right. I will have to have some faith in things and that things will be ok. I guess it is my nerves and the uncertainty that is coming into play as well. I am normally organised and having it brought forward by more than a month has sent me into a tailspin.

Thank you @Snowie

I guess i am just use to doing everything @Zoe7 its been that way for a long time and i know itll go back to being that way when im back home again. I find it hard to put myself first, every time i think that way or try to put my needs first i get voices or thoughts i should say that tell me its wrong to do that.

I guess it worries me more not having pop more sorted. Like his ailments. Most are controlled but some things are under investigation atm and dont have that plan in place like medications or puffers or other things to manage them and so he doesnt panic over them too. He also stresses when i am not here even more so when he knows im in a hospital setting. I am worried about how others will cope.

I am trying to be ok though. The organisation part and having things in order was what was keeping me sane and was abit more in the background but since they moved it forward it has become very real...

Goodnight everyone 😴
Thanks for Your help @Former-Member @Snowie @Zoe7 🙏

Hey @outlander.

I wanted to come by and say I get it and I hear you. I've had a few (more than a few) times when I've faced surgery and spun out over the kids. I've had little day/one night stays up to big week+ in hospital ones. I've flipped over my kids and who will look after them as I don't exactly have a huge amount of people around to help. I also like control. I need control. For me it's probably part of my personality but over the years trauma has turned that dial right up. I also care enormously about my family and making sure they are OK and looked after.

I see this big pickle you're in as coming from a place of great care for others. Maybe like me there's a part of this that comes from a need to feel in control when so much hasn't been in your control in the past. Then there's also that your family don't support you. That's not your fault.

I just wanted to say that as perhaps you can go a little bit gently on yourself for feeling the way you are. It's super tough and you're doing all you can.

Big love outlander. You've got this (even though it might not feel like you do) ❤