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Falling apart - A hard field to hoe

MoonGalSenior Contributor28 Oct 2015, 10:50 am AEDT

Falling apart - A hard field to hoe

It's a hard thing coming to the realisation that I am (to use the insurance phrase) 'totally and permanently disabled". I was such a tryer, i worked hard, i was high functioning for a period in my life and really got somwwhere career wise despite my wildly fluctuating moods and mental pressure, stress, everything. I did it and I did myself (and my ma and pa) proud.

Then, I had a catastrophic back injury, resulting in surgery and a very long slow recovery, chucked around awfully by the aenesthetic and pain relief, and my world crumbled. I now live with chronic sensitised pain syndrome as well as bi polar, PTSD, OCD and anxiety. I fell apart and could not cope with both my mental illness and my physical pain, the two combined brought me undone. Despite trying again and again, I have failed at all the work I have tried to do in the past few years. now officially an "unreliable employee" I can't sit, or stand, or walk for any length of time, the pain ramps up and becomes clamatous to my mental health and concetration.. The mental energy it takes just do put one foot in front of the other, precludes being able to concentrate on 'work'.

It eventually came to me that I was no longer 'fit for work' but that was a horrible hard decision to make. I felt like a failure, that my contribution in the world had come to an end. Wanting to die became a daily prayer. But - i got through that and am in the process of an insurance claim (with lawyers to help) and yesterday a milestome of having the reports by my doc finished and sent off to the lawyers. Now it is in the lap of the gods-of-insurance.

I realised and accept that life happens, that this all just happened to me, I try not to take it personally, just accept it now. But, I do feel somedays like a massive boil ont he bottom of humanity! <there's a picture> and have to work very hard to self-talk that I am a woorthwhile human being, that my illnesses and pain is not "me" they are just happeneing to me. And that, even if this insurance claim goes nowhere, I tried my best. still, it is a hard field to hoe, this life.

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In response to: Falling apart - A hard field to hoe

NinaCasual Contributor01 Nov 2015, 4:00 pm AEDT

Re: Falling apart - A hard field to hoe

Jam pleased that my message was received as I had hoped Moongal. Ian new to this forum and feel very much the same with regard to knowing we are not alone in this battle. I too have that high achiever to the detriment of my own health. Working hard on that one at the moment.

Anyone would crash and burn with those sort of hours even the "Sane"... I was doing similitar crazy hours prior to my first crash.

I think if we don't always listen to our mental well being our physical wellbeing will get us. I am certain my last operation saved my mental state as it was a forced rest and long recovery. Certainly not saying my mental state was good, not by a long shot just that that the hospital admission and forced time off work helped initially to slow me down.

Glad your anxiety is under control at the moment. Yep doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result I hear you!! Same as the being in the wrong place. I have known for a number of years that the work front had to change. The universe just gave me a big push "get out NOW".

Agree again with the ABC and the more we talk about MI the hope is the stigma is reduced. It is so frustrating when people just don't understand.

I too am in the position that I am now understanding why I feeel, act and respond the way I do. Small pieces of the puzzle have joined up and that has been so helpful. I feel very blessed at the moment as inhave a couple of amazing professionals helping me through this current battle.

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