Falling apart - A hard field to hoe

Dont know what happened to the post ... doesnt matter ... if you gained something from it ... thats what counts.

@Former-Member - every day is a long day, every week a long week, every month a long month and every year a long year! But these seem to also rush through - so one minute we are 29 years old and struggling with life then suddenly but with great inexorable grinding we are quarter of a century later - and all the pain, craziness, joy, stress, love and loss we have experienced is there as a life time lump, a mountain, of despair, a deep canyon of learning, a river of life - it flowed and we lived it, variously with fear and loathing and with calm and success.
We must remember we made it this far, it is not ALL bad and I am grateful to have had many beautiful experiences and can reflect on just how by the Grace of MoonGal I have managed to live an extraordinary life despite my myriad challenges. I try to look at life as it is, and try very hard to be equinamous, no easy task when one's bio-chemistry chucks one about like a crazy ride at the royal show and one's pain levels makes one feel like cliff's edge 24/7.

These times when we have to 'hand our lives over' to third parties - like insurance, doctors, courts etc are very hard times, but I think with half a century of life under my belt I have gotten better at the patience required, the 'wait', but still - some days i get jerked about on my own life-line and feel desperately sad, or mad or deeply anxious about what life is , where it is going. So I reached out and I love it that so many of you have reached in to clasp my sweaty palm. Of course i am also anxious about how, if the outcome is not favourable, I will live as I have no income of my own. Yes, income and security and future all tied up waiting... <om>!

I am exceedingly fortunate to have our own home, well the bank has it really - but we can meet the payments so we can decide to bring animals into our home, very fortunate indeed. After our lovely other dogs both past away in 2013 we were so grief stricken, and thought we would not bring anyone else into our lives, but really when the oldest passed in Aug 2013 - by November we were fostering, a year later we adopted one of the lovely fosters and now prettu much we have a foster dog all the time as well as our adopted dog.

I am glad you have somewhere safe to be at the shelter, sorry to hear you couldn;t bring your animals, that is very hard (really hard) and hope it is temporary and you find and settle in a safe and calm and lovely place of your own before too long. Our state really needs foster care for animals who live with people who have had to move or ar in hospital, DV shelters etc. Now ther eis something to think about when all this is over - maybe it is something I could get off the ground, a shelter or foster network for the animals of people who have 'situations' that do not allow them to be with them for a period of time... <thinking>...

I am just so happy I have had so much love back here, thank you, helps alot.

@AlienBP2 - or Ruff Ruff. 😉

The Pendulum Swings

This thing,
that happened to me.
Is not me.

It is a coat I wear,
but can never take off.

It is my skin.

One cannot live without skin, but...

our skin is not us.

our organs are not us.

our veins and arteries are not us.

but all together they

are...

Us.

And the spark
the energy,
whatever that is.

We are not just some pathology
awaiting
a tincture,
a tablet,
a cream or...
death.

We are more than the sum of our parts.
More than the sum of our experiences.
We are inside and outside
Like air is breathed.

This thing that happend to me.
Call it BiPolar, Pain, Anxiety
(Call it the cross bourne?)
Happens inside me.
But it is isn't the sum of me.

Is me, isn't me.
Defines me, confines me,

Expands me
wanting to reach out and be the
best I can be...

a gift in that way
not stuck, swimming.

Swimming
against the tide
then floating down the river of life
grasping at straws (some days)
bending like the reeds (on others).

The pendulum swings.
I am learning to swing with it.

This lot in life is not me.

It happened to me.

I live the best I can
with what I have
in the place that I am.
_______________

(c) Words and Image ~ MoonGal

Hi MoonGal

just read your story and have to say mine is so simililar.

My my anxiety disorder started as a child. High functioning on the career front with almost 26 years in the one field. Although I had a serious break down, psychotic episode etc. in my 20ies again in my 30ies. 2 serious spinal surgeries. Lower fusion and double neck fusion. Medications for pain caused severe depression and suicial thoughts. Only bonus I felt I had was the understanding from previous experiences. I picked up the phone and called for help. I am glad I did as I am hear to tell the tale.

Recently I had a series of horrible events at work which has taken its toll. I suffer from accute complex post traumatic stress disorder. Complex recently added to the title via work related issues. Really not sure if I will go down the work cover side as yet, from my viewed experience that can be more traumatic than the events themselves.

what I have learned is that sharing my experiences has been a positive, forced to change careers and assess where I am and what I want to be moving forward has created growth. Doors have not been slammed shut for a change..... They are opening! I am currently studying and absolutely love it. My passion has always been mental health and that old saying of follow your passion sits very close to my heart at the moment.

I hope things improve for you and know that even simply sharing your lived experience makes a difference and that you are valued. Most importantly try and look to the future and the possibilities that things can improve. Please don't take that in a patronising way it's certainly not how it is delivered. I have been there and still sitting in "it" unfortunately. Mental health issues as well as a potential 3rd back operation. Life is a hard field to hoe. Really not sure why some get the harder fields but we do....kind regards, Nina

@Nina - thnak you! I am so sorry you too are doing the hard yards, and I am very glad you shared, our experiences are similar (incl. work related PTSD) - I certainly do not feel patronised by your empathetic camraderie, rather less alone and validated because of it. It is hearteneing and I get a sense of solidarity from hearing such a similar lived experience as my own, thank you.

I would like to 'look to the future' and I do have other deep interests, just have to do it one day at a time at the moment and be in a state of rest more. As I have gotten older, my bi polar seems to have gotten worse. Since stoppping paid work and as I have divested myself of the vitally interesting but necessarily stressful world I had created for myself as an activist and campaigner - my anxiety has lessened A LOT, maybe I wasn't in the right place doing the righ thing... Dog knows I was often working 18 hour days, 7 days a week until I crashed and burned, over and over. One has to look at that and say "If you always do what you always did, you will always get what you always got" eh? Maybe in time, once this claim is through (and hopefully successful) i can lift my eyes and mind and heart to doing something meaningful again - but at a better pace taking my challenges into consideration. I have such a high sense of responsibility and perfectionism, that whatever I take on has to be 'the best' and that demand on myself (and others!) leads to frustrationa nd burn out.

My moods rapid cycle and I am often in a 'mixed state', I suspect I probably always have done this - now I have 'names' for the states.

I am very glad I came to these forums and if nothing else Mental Health week via ABC did at least that and I am grateful for it, since landing here I have felt much less alone with it all.