MoonGalSenior Contributor
Falling apart - A hard field to hoe
It's a hard thing coming to the realisation that I am (to use the insurance phrase) 'totally and permanently disabled". I was such a tryer, i worked hard, i was high functioning for a period in my life and really got somwwhere career wise despite my wildly fluctuating moods and mental pressure, stress, everything. I did it and I did myself (and my ma and pa) proud.
Then, I had a catastrophic back injury, resulting in surgery and a very long slow recovery, chucked around awfully by the aenesthetic and pain relief, and my world crumbled. I now live with chronic sensitised pain syndrome as well as bi polar, PTSD, OCD and anxiety. I fell apart and could not cope with both my mental illness and my physical pain, the two combined brought me undone. Despite trying again and again, I have failed at all the work I have tried to do in the past few years. now officially an "unreliable employee" I can't sit, or stand, or walk for any length of time, the pain ramps up and becomes clamatous to my mental health and concetration.. The mental energy it takes just do put one foot in front of the other, precludes being able to concentrate on 'work'.
It eventually came to me that I was no longer 'fit for work' but that was a horrible hard decision to make. I felt like a failure, that my contribution in the world had come to an end. Wanting to die became a daily prayer. But - i got through that and am in the process of an insurance claim (with lawyers to help) and yesterday a milestome of having the reports by my doc finished and sent off to the lawyers. Now it is in the lap of the gods-of-insurance.
I realised and accept that life happens, that this all just happened to me, I try not to take it personally, just accept it now. But, I do feel somedays like a massive boil ont he bottom of humanity! <there's a picture> and have to work very hard to self-talk that I am a woorthwhile human being, that my illnesses and pain is not "me" they are just happeneing to me. And that, even if this insurance claim goes nowhere, I tried my best. still, it is a hard field to hoe, this life.
