Daily check in

@Former-Member Here is one of the videos I think is good for you. There's a part 1 and 2...and he's not hard on the eyes either.😍

https://youtu.be/Q72_8E37ASk

Hi Lemonjuice and Chris

Another day has gone by, yep, the first day of the new year. Watching tv, feeling ok tonight. Hope you are ok too. Every day is a little victory!

Hi Lemonjuice

I just watched the YouTube clip and thankfully from day 1 I had a GP that explained to me I needed both meds and therapy (even though I refused meds at first) and explained to me that the trauma needed to be addressed, but at that time I remembered only one layer of the trauma. My treating psychiatrist and my long term therapist work along those lines mentioned in the video. It took a while to find the right people and persistence from my side to challenge the white coats 😉 I still ask myself if I’m mentally ill or just coping (gosh that sounds easy) with what happened to me. It’s also highly likely that I’m on the autism spectrum, but I don’t have a formal diagnosis. That complicates therapy. I’m still not sure if I’m ready for another diagnosis. I hate labels. I just want to be me. No labels attached. I don’t have a problem with physical illness labels. I’ve been discriminated for psychological labels and don’t like that. Trying to explain that i haven’t changed, i am still the same person, just addressing a label has cost me (yes, a shitty) job and (yes, fake) friends. But I am very weary of that now. And then there is a fear in people, to make things worse, to say the wrong thing, and I can’t drag everyone to my therapist to explain what’s going on. And then everyone is different, so it’s not like you can run a campaign to explain mental illness, like running a campaign for diabetes, people will still not know what to do. Asking RUOK is a great campaign, but I find it challenging to answer. I cannot explain what happens in my mind when I feel suicidal. I cannot explain how my rational brain just turns off or gets lost and side tracked. When I’m not in that “mood” I don’t even understand it myself. How can I explain it to others that are not working in the field? You asked about lifeline in your thread, and even there I am careful to choose my words as I am terriefied they will send someone out to assess me, because they don’t know my story. That’s why I find Sane and SCB more helpful as they can work with the symptoms and help me deal with that moment and I’m not scared of them sending someone as I trust they have a better judgement of the situation, even without knowing my story. The last thing I need in my life is another trauma of being assessed by a person I don’t know in a hospital I don’t know so it should really be last resort. But I can’t help feeling suicidal and like doing self-harm at times, it’s something that has been with me most of my life. People say meditate, ground yourself ... but when I’m not well, I ask myself what’s the least distructive coping strategy I have and I try to hide in bed before I come to that point, if I recognise the signs early enough. I still often don’t recognise the signs early enough yet, to use new helpful coping strategies. I think that is due to me getting very angry, mainly with myself.

Trying to accept that I am still learning and that baby steps are ok, is making my life seem hopeless at times. When I hear people in groups telling me how their depression or anxiety improves by following coping strategies and preventing strategies and looking at myself and where I am at, makes me angry and hopeless.

@Former-Member Nothing you have said is foreign to me. I could have written the exact same thing. Please don't feel alone in your experience. I have been through eight therapists and probably close to 20 years of treatments...all types. I even studied/ing psychology so I cooukd gain an understanding of what was happening to me. Here I am, in my 50s, on this forum, in treatment yet again and on meds. It sucks...I feels ya sista! ☺

From what I have noted of you, and it's only a little bit, you don't come across as being on the autism spectrum. Sometimes, trauma, depression, dissociation can cause autism like symptoms. I thought that I might be that way inclined too but testing proved otherwise. That's the thing with trauma, it can effect the brain in such a way that it can mimic a lot of other psych issues...which is why so many end up with several diagnoses before hitting on the right one. I think that is why therapists are loathed to give diagnosis because either they will get it wrong because the symptoms shift or because the patient ends up trying to please the therapist by taking up the symptoms of the label. I use the label cptsd for myself but I use it loosely as a general label that many people get cause they have heard it associated with soldiers. I don't fit entirely under any of the labels. I could for example use Dissociative Identity Disorder but it's not really quite right, I have parts but they aren't separate, I don't have total amnesia, etc. It would be better to say that at moments of high stress, I fragment enough to cope and when things are calm, that fragmentation dissipates. I could use the label Borderline but again, it's not quite right. Yeah, labels don't work in situations like ours.

Despite everything you are going through, I see someone of high intelligence and having a future ahead of them. All the crap I am going through has not stopped me from going to uni and succeeding. Yeah, maybe we need more help and encouragement than most but our unique lived experience can provide new insights about life and the mind. I don't know, maybe that can be our contribution to the world.

Lol, I do get philosophical and long-winded at times.

I’m just putting my art work from previous hospitals into an album, a scratch book album. I bought the album at my first admission. It says “choose happiness and make life lovely” with water in the background. It’s makes me sick looking at the sentence and the water makes me feel like drowning.

I think I’ll have a rest now, I feel like it’s already been a long day 😞

@Former-Member That would make an amazing and interesting artwork collection. Maybe one day when you are better or feeling more secure, you might publish some of it. It would be interesting to see your progression to health through your artwork.

Have a good rest.

It sure is a journey. I finished my book now, it didn’t have enough pages. I also want to write down my poems with a calligraphy pen, I already have a book, but my hand is not steady now.

It makes me sad that you’ve had 20 years of treatment. That is a very long time.

I’ve showed my art to my therapist before and she liked it. But most of it is abstract and has a hidden meaning for me so it is often dark and reminds me of dark times, so I would never hang it up in the house. I put it in this album, so I don’t have to take it with me in my sketch pad. I have enough pictures in my head, i don’t need expressive art to trigger me.

I sometimes wonder if labels are helpful or harmful. Like the doctor said in the YouTube video, it must be a holistic approach. And for me that means recognising the person for who they are and adapting the treatment specifically. Unfortunately that is a luxury in this country where public access is restricted. I sometimes think that the system just wants to get rid of us. I read about the 100k+ cancer medication that is now below 50$, yet there is no inprovement on having tailored services for the mentally ill. Sessions are restricted, medication is expensive and I think we are just in the too hard basket. So I appreciate your effort of studying and going into research as that would be great.

Dear @Former-Member please send me a message