Dark thoughts scaring me.

Thanks @Tigga321Both my little brothers are dead now. I told you so that you would believe me that you are not alone in having some extreme experiences. In a way it is odd that the order in the family and me being oldest helped. Its just that families are all different. I cried for about 12 years, then for about 12 years I was a mix of not being able to control it, these days I only get triggered about once per year where it is unstoppable for a few days. In some peculiar ways there have been surprising compensations, though my life is still very stressed and difficult.

Tonight there was a fabulous big yellow round moon as I came out of rehearsal.

Take care ... step by step...

@Faith-and-Hope,

Im trying but my emotions are not good today, so many tears..

i am trying to dirstract but not working,

I got up a late but I got up.

made my bed.

now having a cup of tea,

so much I want to go back to bed but I'm fighting that urge.

Grandy

I ended going back to bed...Really I done some thinking...Everyday is the same as the one before, no one to talk to, gee I don't even see another person for weeks. Sleepy country towns are like that. Even if I saw someone, I wouldn't acknowledge them.. to scared...anyway enough rambling, as I was saying my days are identical to the one before. I honestly don't know how to live without someone ordering me around,telling me what to do, my life's been like that since around 5yrs old up to now... I don't know any other way to live, I can't make simple decisions on living...When I write this down well I can see just how useless and worthless I am...could use other words but I won't. The anger and hate I have for myself builds every time I think of what my life has been and where is it heading to..

I ended going back to bed...Really I done some thinking...Everyday is the same as the one before, no one to talk to, gee I don't even see another person for weeks. Sleepy country towns are like that. Even if I saw someone, I wouldn't acknowledge them.. to scared...anyway enough rambling, as I was saying my days are identical to the one before. I honestly don't know how to live without someone ordering me around,telling me what to do, my life's been like that since around 5yrs old up to now... I don't know any other way to live, I can't make simple decisions on living...When I write this down well I can see just how useless and worthless I am...could use other words but I won't. The anger and hate I have for myself builds every time I think of what my life has been and where is it heading to..

Grandy

Hi @Tigga321 ..... 👋

There is thread called Daily Goals that some people have used as an accountability thing .... writing down a few goals for the day, then coming back to check them off once they have been done.

I am happy to do that with you tomorrow if you like.

Your days might start out the same, but once you start to develop a bit of a routine, then you can add something new in to Mondays, then Thursdays, then try doing something just randomly on another day of the week.

I am not surprised you are finding it hard to get motivated, after what you have been through, but let’s work on changing it ?

@Faith-and-Hope.

Thank you I just checked out the thread, it looks ok

Sorry im writing so late, I can't sleep lately, cant do anything right lately,...

some one said today that I'm a survivor of DV and sexual abuse..

Am I? No..never will be a survivor,, it's hell hard this side, memories, extreme sadness. Not sleeping for days..trying to pretend to be normal...I'm sorry I never will be normal..I can't trust anyone, All I want to do now and tomorrow is curl up in my bed and stay there.. I'm sorry but I hate me,.....I can't help it, when I think about me, my life before and what's ahead, I see nothing but tears, darkness, shame, guilt...I better go now... to much thinking gets me angry with me...: I am safe...please don't worry.

Hello

Another sleepless night..

You go deeper into the tunnel without sleep, I can feel me going deeper,

I need to forget, night is worse, quietness of the night is bad..

Tv has triggers, got to be careful with tv. just so exhausted from lack of sleep and Thoughts of memories that won't ease..

At least I get to see another sunrise, they are beautiful..... birth of a day, especially when you have a few clouds lingering around, the sun really does put a silver lining around them..

have a peaceful day.

Hi @Tigga321 .....

There are quite a few other forumites who struggle with sleep issues, many with PTSD. Here are a couple of threads to take a look at if you like ..... they are often active during the night, as you will see.

Night Shift

A Long Rave

Here is the Daily Goals, Motivation and Check-in thread where I have posted just now .....

Hello,

Thank you I was checking out last night.