Dark thoughts scaring me.

“Blue” writing has shown up purple now, and underlined, at least on my screen @Tigga321 .... but that’s the part to click on anyway .....

🌷

@Former-Member

Hello River, Thank you very much for talking to me.

it's hard, I don't know me, i don't know what I'm supposed to do anymore, I just stay here all day, I'm lost and confused now for way to long.

My physiatrist emailed what I disclosed to him to my psych. I told him what I never wanted any one to know, my psych has been trying to get me to talk about it as she has it on record, writing it down I don't think will be acceptable as to her as she knows what it's about. it's to painful to talk about, if I do I'm afraid I will end up where I was a couple of months ago, not wanting to be here..Pych said this upcoming visit we WILL talk about it..She doesn't understand I can't.

I am scared to go out, for nearly 2 years I have stayed inside only going out if I cannot avoid it. people just frighten me..

Im very sad, I'm always sad, and well I'm fine My mind just keeps going over and over what I've been through all the time, I try distraction but my thoughts are stronger then me. I'm sorry I'm here, I shouldn't put my problems to you guys, but I'm alone and want the thoughts to stop. Writing here helps a little to stop them for a bit, while I'm typing...

@Faith-and-Hope,

I posted some of my story on here, the moderators took it out of the discussion. The parts I posted were not the worse of my life, I thinking if I talkied about my story my life here it would be removed.

Writing like you have above is letting it out @Tigga321 ..... you don’t have to apologise, it’s what we are here for. I am glad that it breaks the cycle of your thoughts while you are typing.

Even if she knows what your experiences were @Tigga321, it’s one thing hearing about it from your psychiatrist, and another thing hearing about it in your own words from you .....

Mabe try writing it down for yourself, at least in bits and pieces, and then you might find you can read out a few words, or a sentence, and that’s a start .....

Nobody should have to go through what you have suffered. Finding the courage to speak about what you were put through can help others to speak up ..... to help stop the cycles of abuse .....

@Faith-and-Hope

I can try to write it out but it's going to hurt me, The thoughts going around in my mind is awful but if I write them out and read them, I'm scared to do that. I wish I wasn't such a weak person, I could have been stronger back then. But I wasn't physiatrist said I have suppressed emotional development, My emotions stopped developing at an early age due to the abuse when I was younger then the continuation of it through my marriage, I get so angry, hate me when I think about how weak I was. It's just so hard now, even knowing how to live is a struggle.

I can hear that it is a struggle @Tigga321, but abuse creates a sense of weakness in those suffering under it, especially children because they don’t know anything else.

The blame being directed at you by adults around you, and then by other abusers when you are older but have become stuck in a patttern of answering to that abuse, turns inwards and becomes self-blame.

Your doctors need to help you heal that self-blame @Tigga321 because none of this is your fault.

I try to believe that when dr says not my fault, but I can't. I must have done things wrong, trapped, but oh I don't know anymore, I just don't know I'm just oh. It's okay. I just don't know

Once I swept,polished the floors, when I came back from putting the broom away, my hubby ha emptied his ashtray all. Over the floor and trod it in..triggers me to sweep at times. I washed the clothes hung them out, a few minutes later they were on the ground had mud over them from dirt and a hose..triggers me sometimes, I can keep going. Washing the dishes etc, but I won't, I think you can understand what I've gone through and still am going through. Sold that house, living in another house, made no difference it's the doing of these and other things that crush me daily.

Hi again @Tigga321 , of course, that's what we are here for 🙂

I can understand that sometimes certain things feel too painful to talk about. It is wonderful that you have been able to open up to your psychiatrist about some of those things. Maybe in time, you will feel a similar level of comfort with your psychologist? @Faith-and-Hope is right, it will be very different for the psychologist to hear your story from you, rather than your psychiatrist. Nobody knows your story like you do.

Please don't apologise for being here and sharing. We want to support you on the Forums and help you when you are feeling alone. I hope those thoughts continue to slow down as you type...