I don't know what to do

I have this love hate relationship with my mania and voices etc. The only reason I stay on my medication is because of my children and I really don't want to get into trouble with the boys in blue which can so easily happen when you are manic .... I miss the highs which are so high, I miss some of my voices and I have to be very strong to stay in this real world when the other is so enticing and exciting compared to this reality.

My psychiatrist says to develop relationships with neighbours etc (which I have been doing) study (I have been trying), all I want to do is to float away. I dont want to be apart of this world this consumerist society to be a cog in a wheel of some corporation ,but if I stop taking my medication I will go mad again so I am caught in this no win situation where I cannot go forward because I hate what I see around me and will not go backward because I do not want to go mad again.