Coping with negative/suicidal thoughts.

Sorry you are going through this atm. @Former-Member

Even the way you write about it whoosh ..and up it comes ... is very much like my experience. I dont want to keep reminding either of us.

but thanks for being around Bella Signora

@Former-Member

Morning, hope youre feeling better.

So many uncertanties on the horison for me - its impossible to be fully equipped for every variable I guess. I had a wave of suicidal ideation (SI) yesterday: Dad was sitting in the mottled sun on the veranda, normally he only does it for 20-30min but yesterday he stayed out there for 3hrs. Had morning tea there at 1030 then i took out lunch @1pm. In between i was doing my journellling, & DEATH thoughts crepe in:
(1) 'what if he's died out there?" How stressful that would be. What would i do? - walk away & have a coffee? Jump on his chest like i did my girl? (couldn't handle that again). Call the undertaker? the police? the ambulance? lifeline? What then? They cart him away, like tjey did my girl... ... What then - do i follow? I know what is. Do i call for help for me? But who? My family, all of them - they just make everything harder. Maybe I should just go through the motions & tell them all once the funeral is organised. All that bitchy stress with mum's funeral last January, its just horrible. Craaaaaaazy stuff! Then after I've organised the funeral to function without me, should i just go and 'let the dead bury the dead' And then what?

THAT'S WHEN BLACKDOG STARTS TALKING:

¶ "you can't handle this, look at you'

¶ "just kiil yourself, right here on the couch. Make a statementto your destructive siblings they'll never forget. Besides,

¶ what have you got to live for anyway? What's waiting back homehome for you?

¶Your ife is over.

¶Nobody wants or needs you anymore.

¶ nobody can love you, besides,

¶ look at the physical pain you suffer - thats juat gonna get worse you know... ... ..."

¶ could you handle care workers seeing the mess you've made of your body?..
.... ....

Thoughts, they're there but ehy do we pretrndctgey are not? I'm so glad when Dr Phil taught me about internal dialogue. My girl liked the Lizzy McGuire showsshows where here thoughts came out in a cloud cartoon character lol. Thoughts are powerful because they cause us to form beliefs. Beliefs change howvwe see the world (CBT). But thoughts are not facts. I think they are like dreams - our soul trying to make sense of the wor

Anyway, before i knew it - i was formulating a self harm plan 😞 this is where i get frightened andand usually stop myself from 'gathering the means' - i fear once past that point there's no coming back...

Does anyone else get this?

i dad does die and i just get in dad's car alone and drive 1200km to an empty house... this is not goodgood, a BIG trigger - especially after burying someone 😞

Or maybe i can grab a cheap tour and travel with the money mum left me. Let the vultures do whatever it is they had planned without me...

You know, all their carryon to be dads guardian,,, they couldn't even visit on his birthday, or come to the RSL with us that night. Dad & I met bro1 (he's wheelchair bound with MS,) only 10min from my sister's for lunch - but still she wouldnt even drive 10min to see Dad, or big bro. So pathetic!

Dad's gerentologist has advised me to apply to be dad's legal guardian / POA, but i am lacking confidence. Even though i'm doing everything... I donno
- what if i dont cope?
- and does someone with suicidal thoughts do anything? Should we do it alone. I would rather have joint guardiaship with someone responsable & fair & rational... not fighting all the time... My sister and big bro refuse to go joint guardian. This is crazy - x5 siblings and not one of us are fully well / equipped for the task.

I just don't know.