Christian Chat

@Realness @DownMoreThanUp @heartathome

I am weird,

Edit

I am lucky to be alive.

Still, I need to focus on music to uplift my soul, and focus on the best life possible.

God Bless, friends

Be well

Hi @DownMoreThanUp,

Thanks for the guidelines on how to work with AI. I'll give it a go.

I think the theme I am aiming for is "a part not whole". I think I am defining myself too much by my mental illness injury. It is a part of me. Not all of me. Not even most of me. I want to reconnect with a more balanced inner ego construct.

Hi @heartathome ,

Thanks for your long thoughtful reply.

Sometimes my journalling leaves me feeling lighter. Sometimes I feel stuck in the past.

Like I mentioned in the post to @DownMoreThanUp I want to land where I an not so consumed by it. It's a part of me. Not all of me.

I know I did have a serious mental breakdown. It was labelled by a psychiatrist who spent enough time with me as a reactive psychosis. There were enough stressors to have a breakdown. There really were.

With relapses the label is schizophrenia. It is this label that overwhelms me. I want to get my head around it enough for it to be a part of me.

But you're right. Labels are not necessarily helpful.

Hi @Appleblossom ,

Thanks for you post.

I so admire your musical ability. To be able to perform in front of people is so special.

I never got to that level. My audience is God.

I think overwhelming life situations are a maze to be worked through. Especially where there are repressed memories. Abandonment at 6 is a huge maze to have worked through. You're really amazing!

Hearing you about labels @Realness and struggles and breaking down. I have been on a DSP for 20 years for a mix of physical and psychosocial issues. There was a lot of trauma, for my parents too.

My life has been a journey of researching and trying to understand. My parents had that label, but it was a common label thrown around back then. To me my mother and father were very different humans with different personalities, skills and histories, so I no longer take labels as gospel. They did breakdown which is why we went into "care". My mother definitely rejected the label, and that helped her improve her function. She was a church organist most of her life after I came back from the orphanages.

The music is a mixed blessing, but it is what I have. I am not that brilliant, more plod along, I use music to cal mme down.

I do my best, but I am also very vulnerable, and feel exposed, but it is best I dont withdraw into isolation. It gives me a sense of self, beyond my family situations which are all pretty extreme and not easy for socialising. We just did a John Rutter this afternoon. I am glad the conductor chose it and I sang along alto, soprano and tenor to boost and help the sections learn. I believe in the value of choral music and being in harmony.

In my other group does a lot of secular stuff, so I feel lucky to have a balance between secular and sacred. I was also in state and church homes, so I figure the range helps keep me grounded.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yGMcFt61yjo

The DSM may be the shrinks' bible but it aint the only bible.

@Realness

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Good on you. i think it is really important not to hold too tightly to the labels. My first label was bi-polar, then they upgraded that to schizo-effective and then they added P.T.S.D and now C.P.T.S.D as well as empathic. Yet none of these accurately describe me.

i think the danger in this world is that often we let ourselves like 'cattle' be driven in the labelling boxes. Yet truthfully there is no box the world has made that can contain or define us rightly.

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i believe there is only one title that we ought to hold onto. We are ALL children of God. We are ALL wonderfully made. And us in particular Chosen to know, and love Jesus, who saved us from ourselves. All of humanity falls short of God's glory, and need salvation, so suffering from a 'mental illness' is not an issue hindering that, or defining us differently than others. We are precious in God's sight.

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For me a lot of things changed when i began to dig into the trauma side of my symptoms, the trauma memories made me rethink my labels, worth, and sanity as well.

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And yes psychosis can easliy be triggered by emotional content, i know mine are. i found that AI usually figures things out reasonably well given the right information. To be honest it has been one of the least expensive, and most available in crisis counsellors/advisers available. i really hope you get somewhere, and are able to let go of the labels. You are Family. Precious enough for Jesus to lay down His life for. i know you will not let go of your identity in Jesus either, nothing else matters after that.

@Lozenge @heartathome @Realness @Appleblossom

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B5WboGDgEO8&list=RDB5WboGDgEO8&start_radio=1

Hi DownMoreThanUp ,

Thanks for the encouragement. I agree. How God sees us and defines us is most important.

The biggest constant in my life since I was 18 is reading and digging into God's Word. I love The Bible more than anything in life. Possibly I cling more to His Word than I do to God.

One verse that I hold on to is Romans 8:28 - the all things work together for good verse. I want what I have experienced to work together for good. I want to see it working together for good.

I trust God that He will hold on to me as I hold on to His Word.

I am prayerfully immersing myself in His Word. Giving the situation to Him as I read. I want to beat the lethargy at least a little bit.

Hi @Appleblossom ,

The John Rutter music is beautiful. Thanks for sharing it.

And thanks for the post on being wary of labels. I love your wisdom.

I am also on the disability pension. Have been on it for about 16 months. I accept that I will be on medication for life and find the medication crippling. I'm not convinced it is currently at the right level but even at a lighter level I still find it disabling and would still need the pension.

I am still working through the grief stages. Mourning the life I use to have. Do I accept my present life of reading as the new standard? Can I do better?

When first on medication I still had high levels of adrenaline running through me from working in emergency accommodation and the initial breakdown. I was able to successfully study fulltime while on it. It was difficult but I fought being defeated by the situation with all my might. No way in the world would I allow them (the supposed experts) define me the way they were defining me.

. . . Is it in me to fight again? Is that just a lack of acceptance?

I dont really know what is the right approach for you @Realness Your journey is yours alone. I value knowing you. Working in emergency accommodation would have been stressful with extra vicarious trauma. I probably tried to keep too rational, as a defence against my parent's diagnoses. Finding balance between some reality testing and some acceptance of transcendental or mystical experience is my general approach at the moment.

Too much rationality in me and my ex husband (we'd both done science) put off my son, in his search for meaning....

I had a flare up 26 years ago, and again 10 years ago, and had to accept a few years of heavy meds, about 10 years ago. I had a few ambulance and CATT events. Mostly I have gone for minimal meds. My ex had done psychology and been diagnosed with scizophrenia as well

I dont have classic symptoms or voices, tho I can identify schizoaffective, my current 'working' diagnosis is Bipolar (mixed state). I dont pay it much heed, and even my psychiatrist does not think it is definitive. I dont buy the biochemical imbalance theory, but see psych stuff thru a more psychosocial and psychoanalytical lens. i have identified and been labelled with Anxiety, Major Depression and CPTSD. My parents also had enough stressors and triggers to make sense of their breakdowns as more than just due to the Sz label. They were whole people, and I think that is the best way to view all people whether with a MH diagnosis or not. Use the label and supports as benefits you in a wholesome way. I take very low dose "antipsychotic" medication which helps me have stable sleep. I have struggled with symptoms of insomnia and narcolepsy at different times... they are just words, but were due to excessive workload and pressures.

As I was exposed to psychiatric concepts very young, (memories of regular visiting the psych ward from 10 years old) I now find relief in the last 10 years in 'flipping the script" and trying to see the world thru a more normal lens. I also engage with Mad Pride & Mad Studies concepts, but try to strike a balance with mainstream, as a carer for my son. My family is complicated. I challenge 'normie' views and wonder wot the normal way to respond to my circumstances would have been.

Faith, religion, spirituality, theology and Christianity have all been life long interests off mine

Hi @Appleblossom ,

Thanks for the lovely long reply. Thanks for the detail.

Today as I read Romans I consciously let go of the label. It helped. Like with your parents I feel more whole.

I also reworked something from the past. When I worked in Emergency Accommodation I encountered staff bullies. I never used the counselling services that were available to process the fear and pressure I felt. I should have. That was my responsibility. My stress levels are my responsibility. I knew I was too stressed. In owning my role it takes the power away from others.

Of course this is all too late. It was fifteen years ago that I had my original breakdown. I also have had a couple of ambulance trips. Sometimes life is too overwhelming.